Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Why do you assume that every woman who changes their name is doing so because of a man? I’m a woman married to a woman and I took her last name. Where does that fit in your ‘damn the patriarchy’ rant? And why does it actually matter to you what other people choose to be called?

Also, you do know that you can post Christmas cards without putting any surname at all on them, yes? misses the point

That's certainly true glitterati The lines are blurred in lots of cases. Being aware and looking at things critically is essential.

In this particular case, I'd say it's more straightforward. My question is: which of these sends a stronger message about women's identities:

a) taking your husband's name, in the full knowledge that this tradition had its roots in the idea of women as property

b) retaining your own name in the full knowledge that this is less common and will raise the eyebrows of some traditional types

Now, no woman has to care about that distinction. No woman should feel she has to be one of the women who starts to redress the statistical balance. I wasn't one of those, and I've made my peace with it.

But to try to argue that option a) is the more feminist one is surely to argue black is white?

You want to shake me because I made a free choice over whether to retain my father's name or voluntarily take my husbands or indeed, could I have been so arsed, chosen a new one at any point that I wished?

DFOD.

Neverknowingly Were those the only two options? Or could your husband have taken your name?

(Sorry - only three options)

That would have been her husband's option not Neverknowingly's.

That's one way of viewing it, yes. But if you're describing it as your father's name it doesn't make it sound as if it's even yours to give...

Not bothered one way or another. Most folk will, for simplicity, address a married couple by the "husband" name on cards, letters etc. Wonder if those who insist on keeping their maiden name have their father's surname. If they do then they are to me being quite hypocritical as they should actually have their mother's maiden name otherwise it's okay to take the name of one man but not another. Loads of females keep their maiden name for work and use their married name for personal matters..

Your father's name, your maiden name, your birth family's name, they all have a downside, I don't like maiden name as it sounds very Victorian, birth family? Well what about adopted kids? I think if we are going to get caught up in how to name the name that way madness lies.

That’s fine I always think it’s weird when people don’t change their name. I like my DH, Ds and DC having the same name. It tells the outside world we are a family. It doesn’t mean my DH owns me or I’ve given up my identity. Although my views might be tainted by the fact that one of my best friends married a woman who didn’t change her name and has made my friends life misery ever since. Her feminist principles haven’t stopped her refusing to work for the last 15 years!

Im still getting over the fact the OP feels it's ok to want to use violence (shaking someone) because they don't share the same view and change their name 🙄

Everyone is entitled to do as they please and if they want to take their partners name, keep their own, double barrel it or change it completely it should be completely entirely up to that person without fear of some one judging them or shaking them for it!

The name is not mine to "give" Golden. It is for him to take should he so choose. Actually he emigrated to the UK in order to marry me, I think he did a fair bit of compromising already (he would certainly view it as a huge sacrifice)! The amount of paperwork required to change a name (following the amount of paper work needed for a visa) may have broke the camel's back however... Fortunately "his" name was also my lovely Gran's name, maiden and unmarried. So it was an easy choice for me.

I don't care what other women call themselves but I CANNOT ABIDE cards addressed to Mr & Mrs husband's initial husband's surname. I kept my old name. I don't even care if people get that wrong (unless it's my mother who does it just to wind me up) but it takes 2 seconds to write "2 first names surnames".

It's not like we're in a Jane Austen novel and addressing people in a non-conventional way will mean you're not invited to the next ball.

Im still getting over the fact the OP feels it's ok to want to use violence (shaking someone) because they don't share the same view and change their name

I'm still getting over the fact that so many seemingly intelligent women can't tell the different between a common figure of speech and an actual threat of violence.

Wearing heels daily is another one, but I like most women, adore my shoes. How do you know what is internalised misogyny and what is free choice because the line is blurred.

Do most women “adore” their shoes? Or are extrapolating from yours, and your friends preferences?

I have 3 pairs, trainers, flipflops, and work shoes. I don’t own heels, let alone wear them daily. My work colleagues wear brogues or boots, for practicality. I have no idea about their emotional attachment. Some women adore shoes, some wear them to fit in, and others don’t give a toss about shoes.

Societally, yes you do have a choice. The hard choice and the easy one. The easy choice is to choose to do what everyone else does. Most people will make that choice because it is incredibly hard to be the one who stands up and stands out, knowing their choice will be gossiped about and probably disapproved of.

Look at what we teach our kids- on here it’s always “i don’t want them to stand out and get bullied”, “i want them to fit in”, so we teach them to wax and wear certain clothes and like certain things.

OP feels it's ok to want to use violence

Aaarrghhh!!

I assume you didn't have a white dress when you got married? Or have your DF 'give you away'? Or have any bridesmaids? I didn't change my surname when I got married...only as I couldn't be arsed.

Wonder if those who insist on keeping their maiden name have their father's surname. If they do then they are to me being quite hypocritical as they should actually have their mother's maiden name otherwise it's okay to take the name of one man but not another

That is self defeating. My mother’s maiden name is her dads name, so you’d still be taking a mans name at some point.

I didn’t keep my dad’s name. I kept my name. The name i was given at birth. I don’t care who else has that name or why, i simply don’t see why i should change the name i’ve had for 35 years in order to announce to the world i got married.

My surname is actually a place name so to me it’s more about belonging geographically than to any man. Changing my name would remove my public link to that area.

I assume you didn't have a white dress when you got married? Or have your DF 'give you away'? Or have any bridesmaids?

No.
No,
And no.

I had none of those :). No rings either.

All surnames are male and a sign of possession. You either have your father's name or your husbands name. If you have your mother's name it is your grandfather's etc etc.
I consider myself a feminist and have changed both my first name and surname. I will change it again when I get married. Because I like change! Unless we create ne surnames or abandon them all together it's what we are stuck with.

I'm still getting over the fact that so many seemingly intelligent women can't tell the different between a common figure of speech and an actual threat of violence.

"Ladies first" was a common figure of speech for a long time... but apparently that's not right now 🙄🙄

My brother happily says "ladies first" as he holds door open but he says it jokingly to women... and men 😂 I asked him once where it came from... his response "it's just a figure of speech I've heard all my life"

Perhaps OP should have used less harsh text whilst writing and been more respectful to others opinions too and then perhaps others would stop finding her post so violent!

I do get that it frustrates some women and men that a surname is just "expected" to be taken and if my DP EXPECTED me to take his name I'd be irritated by that BUT I'm choosing to take his name, I want to have the same surname as my babies and my DP I love his surname. I could understand the OP if it was a case of a lady had said to her "oh I've GOT to take his surname" and she'd chose to write a post about how angry that had made her for the lady but to just condemn every person as being lesser than herself because they WANT to take that name is beyond me it really is!

Do you not think it odd though sarah how men never like their wives surnames better, or want to change their names? Only women.

I read with interest about women changing their names to have the same family name. With divorce rate now being 1:2 or 1:3, i know many women on their second or 3rd marriage who still change their names to their new husbands... which leaves them with a different name to their kids, or sometimes their own children will have different names depending on their father. There are so many blended families these days you can have 3 or 4 surnames between one married couple and their children.

How does that work then?

I hear what you're saying, Micah. I actually have very contradictory feelings about my surname, which is why I double barrelled my name on Facebook for a long time. That's because I'm half Czech, so my original name reflected that, whereas my married name is totally British.

The whole point of feminism is that we have a choice to do what we want. I had a choice between choosing my husband's name, my name which came from a father I don't have a relationship with or choosing something new

I notice not one of your choices there involves your husband changing his surname. Funny that.

I do not think changing one's surname is a feminist choice. Equally I do not think it makes one a bad feminist, as long as you recognise that it is born out of patriarchy, because it is. Otherwise there would be plenty of men changing their surnames too. There aren't.