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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
slice · 18/12/2017 07:32

I kept my maiden name and yet my Mum still sends Xmas/birthday cards in what would be my married name, despite the fact that sometimes there is a cheque inside that has to be made out to my maiden name because obv my bank etc are in my maiden name.....??? It really annoys the hell out of me!! She thinks it is ridic that I didn't take my husbands name!

dustyparadeground · 18/12/2017 07:34

30 pages?

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 07:46

Why are some people so offended by the very questioning of their choice? That's what puzzles me. I did take my husband's name, but now, 12 years later, I can see that it wasn't a very feminist thing to do. I'm much more clued up about and supportive of feminism now. I'm not in the least bit offended by OP's stance! I agree with the people who argue that the choice to adopt your husband's name doesn't particularly align with feminism. Obviously you should still have that choice - free country and all.

I just think some people love to think they've found a way to 'catch out' feminism... sort of "Oh, I thought feminism was about choice... what about my choice to bow to my husband's every whim, hey feminists ? Look pretty stupid now, don't you, feminists?" It's bizarre.

I mean, how far from understanding feminism have you got to be to start a post with [variations on] "This is what puts me off feminism..." If something is putting you off a movement that is specfically designed to promote your rights, something has gone wrong in your cognitive processes, I'm afraid.

Moussemoose · 18/12/2017 08:03

TheGoldenBowl

It's interesting isn't it? The other thing is posters keep on saying feminists are 'shouting' or 'demanding' and while the OP was strongly worded the vast majority of posts since have been calm and reasoned.

Posters want feminism to be angry and miserable. PP said feminism makes people miserable. Posters willing to say "I am not a feminist", over this issue and then claim it is trivial. So voting and equality out of the window because you want to change your name.

I'm not miserable I am just puzzled by the amount of women that not only choose to partake in this outdated 'tradition' but seek to actively defend it.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 08:05

Agreed mousse - some people are looking for excuses to ditch feminism. I can't imagine feeling that way.

DunedinGirl · 18/12/2017 08:27

Thank you soapboxqueen. You said exactly what I was thinkingSmile

user1485009271 · 18/12/2017 08:44

I changed my name when I got married because I wanted to,how unbelievably condescending and unfeminist for someone to say they wanted to shake women who change their names,as if they aren't capable of making their own decisions in life,what the fuck has it got to do with you?personally I find it much more annoying when women think that they are above other women just because they chose to keep their own name-so fucking what?

user1485009271 · 18/12/2017 08:45

And the irony of the op telling people if they don't like the thread don't post-maybe don't comment on other women's choices if you don't like them?

grannytomine · 18/12/2017 08:57

Granny- what about your son? You don’t mention him. Did he think whether or not to change his name? Did he think about whether he liked his bride to be’s surname better? Well that is complicated, reasons about her past, things that have caused her MH problems but I don't feel comfortable about talking about something that is very private for her and very distressing. Sorry, I have more than one son so don't know what will happen when youngest marries, again she has some issues with her absent father but not as difficult as the other one. The other son I think she was so keen to take his name that it didn't come up, if it did they never mentioned it, also business considerations as he has a business and by the time he married he had about 15 years reputation attached to his name so professionally it would have been a bad decision.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 18/12/2017 09:02

The whole point of feminism is that we have a choice to do what we want. I had a choice between choosing my husband's name, my name which came from a father I don't have a relationship with or choosing something new. I made an active choice to choose my husband's name and I don't regret it. We discussed using my name too but decided against it.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 09:06

user1485009271

I'd suggest that, if you don't want to feel condescended to, you should either read the thread or learn to follow an argument (not sure which applies here).

LoniceraJaponica · 18/12/2017 09:15

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens sadly the "feminists" on here don't accept that as a valid argument.

Mousse I'm puzzled why you don't understand that some women genuinely do not care. Some women don't want to overthink it. They choose whether to keep their name, make up a new one or take on their husband's name. Why does it matter so much to you if they choose the last option?

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 09:22

GrinI love it when the 'over-thinking' card is played. Heaven forbid we should accuse you of under-thinking things...

Turquoise123 · 18/12/2017 09:39

Totally with you on this. If changing your name is such a good idea then men would do it.

But they don't do they.......

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 09:41

Ooh careful turquoise - someone will be along any second to explain that they know a man or two who did change his name, thereby totally destroying your point Hmm

Chickoletta · 18/12/2017 09:44

I'd quite like to shake you back. My name, my family, my choice. Now go away and get irate about something that really is an outrage to women: forced marriage, FGM, sexual violence...

LoniceraJaponica · 18/12/2017 09:49

TheGolden I underthink things that aren't important to me.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 09:53

That's fine Lonicera Just don't imagine there aren't more complex ideas behind something just because you don't care to investigate them.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/12/2017 09:53

I love it when the 'over-thinking' card is played. Heaven forbid we should accuse you of under-thinking things...

Well you are. That's exactly the stance of those who disagree with us are saying. That we aren't 'aware' or 'conscious' of our decision. And even if we are, we blind to the patriarchal machinations behind the choice. Under-thinking it is exactly what we are being accused of. Confused

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 09:56

Nope. No one's saying you're blind to anything.

I changed my name. I understand that it was not the most feminist decision- but it is also not the most serious issue to womankind. By far. I recognise both of these things.

SandAndSea · 18/12/2017 10:05

OP, I agree with you. My dp and I are engaged and I've told the family I'm keeping my name and they still think it's funny to address cards to us as Mr & Mrs DP's name. We're not even married yet! It's annoying. It's MY name!

WitchesHatRim · 18/12/2017 10:09

I'm not miserable I am just puzzled by the amount of women that not only choose to partake in this outdated 'tradition' but seek to actively defend it.

I'm puzzled that some can't see that others chose differently to them.

Last time I checked we weren't all clones, but maybe I'm wrong.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 10:13

What I often find frustrating on threads like this is tge refusal to distinguish between principle and scale.

The principle here is that women are routinely expected to give up something that men get to keep.

On the scale of issues that affect women, it's fairly low down. But that's not the point.

If we only care about the huge stuff, we'll get nowhere.

This is the thin end of the wedge.

grannytomine · 18/12/2017 10:19

I think of my first name as "my" name. My surname is family name so could be my birth family, my husband's birth family or a new name. I know people who have done those things, majority have gone with husband's birth family name either completely or for non professional situations. I would never change "my" name which is the name my mother and father chose specifically for me. It probably isn't the greatest name in the world but it is mine. I only know one person who has changed their first name.

g1itterati · 18/12/2017 10:24

Women do all kinds of things every day that, strictly speaking, are not "feminist" choices as some on here would define it. How many of us got married in a white dress, knowing perfectly well what that is supposed to symbolise (interesting of course that men don't need to wear clothing signifying their supposed virginity). Yet women do it because, when all is said and done, they want to. Wearing heels daily is another one, but I like most women, adore my shoes. How do you know what is internalised misogyny and what is free choice because the line is blurred.