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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 22:01

Moossemoosse, thank you. Thanks

I'm appreciating this thread, I was wound up by the OP's aggressive first post, but there have been more articulate posts since then, which have made sense to me. And as mum to DDs, obviously it's impossible for me to think through these issues.

grannytomine · 17/12/2017 22:11

My DD isn't sure if she is going to change her name when she marries but she does like her partner's name so she might. My DIL wouldn't have considered not changing her name. I don't know if it is connected by DD isn't in to the big wedding and the big white dress but DDIL nearly drove herself and everyone else mad with a year of planning the BIG DAY. Boy was it a big day.

mumof2sarah · 17/12/2017 22:19

I'm changing my name because I WANT TO, I find it really rude that you're entitled to do what you want but you basically moan and slag off who ever does it the other way! What a narrow minded, selfish person you must be! I'm actually really upset at the fact you've basically come on here to berate any person that wants to have their husband and children's surname as their own. As for writing in their card about your name, that's just plain rude in a Christmas card! Fair enough mention it next time you see them but to make them feel bad for sending you a Christmas card... WOW! I usually read a post and see it from both sides but this has offended me so much!!

BakedBeans47 · 17/12/2017 22:22

I changed my name from my father’s name to my husband’s name. What’s the big deal. You go by whatever name you like, I’ll go by whatever name I like. Dont shake your head at me, how rude.

BakedBeans47 · 17/12/2017 22:25

They have no identity anymore apart from being married to a man.

Or maybe there is more to them and their identity than just a name

BroomHandledMouser · 17/12/2017 22:27

Aw OP aren't you just FAB!! All these sillly women changing their names, losing their identity.

How dare they make their own choices in life eh? Bastards, the lot of them.

user1493391099 · 17/12/2017 22:30

This person sounds like the most unromantic, mediocre, emotionless person... if feminism is so I'm pirates right to you, why did you get married in the first place, just don't bother, nobody's forcing you to. I often wonder whether feminism is just an excuse for complete misery and a way of deflecting from a lack of confidence. I happily changed my name, marriage is about two people coming together and becoming a family. Can't think of anything worse than us all having different names.

user1493391099 · 17/12/2017 22:32

Apologies for typos, predictive text is also annoying!

pallisers · 17/12/2017 22:33

I am a card carrying feminist, and therefore understand that feminism is all about choice.

It really isn't.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2017 22:37

Granny- what about your son? You don’t mention him. Did he think whether or not to change his name? Did he think about whether he liked his bride to be’s surname better?

Or did it simply not occur to him?

The reality is, the “choice” you have as a woman is to have a different name to that if your husband, and probably kids, or change your name to his, the “family” name. There is not an option to keep your own name as the “family” name.

This is why 99.9% if the time the woman “chooses” to take her husbands name. It is not a free choice, however much you may think it is.

Mxyzptlk · 17/12/2017 22:46

There is not an option to keep your own name as the “family” name.

There is, but most people don't think of it, just as they don't think of the option to both change to a new name altogether.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/12/2017 22:53

User
Why is romantic to take a mans name?
It didn’t detract from the romance of our wedding. Families don’t have to have all different names if they don’t use the mans name you know?

Groovee · 17/12/2017 23:12

I was glad to get rid of my birth surname. I much prefer the name I now have.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2017 23:18

Why can't feminism be about choice?

Neiflette · 17/12/2017 23:27

What do people mean when they say 'don't buy into romance'? To me, romance could be simply sitting outside together, chatting, as long as it feels special. Are we talking commercialised romance?

I don't understand why two people would randomly pick a new name when they are married. That would feel... Random. Do you combine it or choose something with some kind of emotional value or..?

Madwoman5 · 17/12/2017 23:33

I changed my name after spending years spelling my maiden name out for everyone. His name is easy to spell and yet I still have to fricking well spell it out.

CaptainNelson · 17/12/2017 23:46

I didn't change my name, and also (apart from women escaping an abusive past) don't get why women choose to change theirs so readily and get offended when it's questioned. We don't get to choose the name we're given at birth, but we do get to choose as an adult so I don't think the 'they're both patriarchal' argument washes. I don't know, but I'm guessing most couples don't even discuss the option of the male changing his name. My kids have both of our surnames, not hyphenated, and as mine is first they are mostly known by mine. I have always told them that, as they get older, they can choose which to use. I am known as Mrs Nelson, which I find a little odd as she's my mother, but hey ho!

Ginburee · 18/12/2017 00:06

I must be a complete doormat, I couldn't wait to be Mrs Ponslethwaitelatte. To me it was a big thing, we both had long surnames and double barrelling just would not have worked.
My previous surname was a male first name which I was glad to shake off as it was quite confusing for most people.
My only regret was not giving any of my son's that male name as a middle name and heads up to the family. It disappointed my father but he was fine with it eventually. Sadly he passed away today and it is bugging me that I could have but didn't but only because I know that was his preference (after we had named all of them did he say this).
Anyway, if women change thier surname so bloody what, if they don't who gives a sod. It is your choice to do what you want and we should just stop judging each other surely?.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/12/2017 00:07

Why can't feminism be about choice?

@LoniceraJaponica Fundamentally feminism advocates for women's rights. Broadly speaking; in support of political, social, economic equality between the sexes. Choices are not made in a vacuum, ergo, consciously or subconsciously the choices a woman makes will not always align with feminist principles.

Essentially just because a woman makes a choice does not make her choice inherently feminist by virtue of her being a woman.

A good example of this are women that choose to picket family planning (abortion) clinics. The demonstrators which are women are making a patently anti-feminist choice by harassing other women, ironically, for their personal choices. The demonstrators try to dress it up as 'informing' women but let's leave that for another thread.

The issue that's brought us to 700+ posts on this thread is the question of women choosing to change their name upon marriage. Some are suggesting that just because a woman chooses to doesn't render that decision feminist - essentially its couched in patriarchy and therefore women that choose to change are just perpetuating the patriarchy.

Whilst others are going the whole hog by suggesting that women that 'think' they are making an informed choice to change their surnames are suffering from a 'false consciousness' or false awareness of the issue and that the choice is anti-feminist.

Others, like myself, think it's a lot of fanfare over nothing. A distractor, if you will.

Whatever your position in all this is, is up to you to choose but feminism does not equal choice. In fact feminism advocates for your right as a woman to make choices - but not all the choices you make will be feminist.

worrierandwine · 18/12/2017 05:19

I changed my name as I see it as part of the tradition of marriage but understand some people would like to change their names and I don’t judge them for it. Is financial security the right reason to get married? I thought it was love, maybe I’m naive. If financial security was the only reason I’m not sure I would do it and if I was worried about the person I was involved with taking my money from me in the future then I’m not sure I would be with that person at all. Coincidentally, I do know a man who changed his name to his wife’s surname as his surname held negative connotations for him and he wanted rid of it and for the family to all have the same surname.

worrierandwine · 18/12/2017 05:20

Sorry - understand people who like to KEEP their name.

rainbowduck · 18/12/2017 06:37

Personally, I can't still believe that people are writing/sending Christmas cards...

BishopBrennansArse · 18/12/2017 07:00

Meh. Husband changed his name to mine.

wherestheweightlosspill · 18/12/2017 07:02

I wonder why the discussion is now whether the decision to change your name is a 'feminist' decision or not? That's not what the OP said, she didn't say 'you can't call yourself a feminist if you change your name'. She said women who do so 'enrage her' and she wants to 'shake them'. So whether feminism is about choice or not is a slightly different question as to whether women who do so are 'wrong'. I buy the argument that every choice a woman makes will not necessarily be a feminist choice (picketing an abortion clinic for example), for me my desire is for equality which means women are expected to do/act/feel/behave/dress in a specific way because of their gender anymore than a man is. As I said before I believe I am a feminist but from this thread it sounds like I'm not allowed to be as I don't necessarily conform to all the 'rules' and that's fine, I'll call myself instead someone who believes in equality and therefore the rights of any woman to make their own decisions about their own lives.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/12/2017 07:05

Why not rainbow? Don't you have elderly relatives who aren't local and don't own a computer or smartphone? I'm 59 and although I have drastically cut my list down I still have people my age and older who get a lot of pleasure out of receiving a Christmas card.

Think outside of the box.