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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
2ManyChoices · 17/12/2017 20:50

Mulledoverwine I haven't changed my name, and even worse, all our children have my maiden name!! Wooooo.
I occasionally double barrel it, but not often.

pinkpantherpink · 17/12/2017 20:50

Life's too short.

Do what you want and let others do as they do.

Unless you've told people otherwise then they won't know what your surname is.

If you feel the need, I suggest you get yourself some sticky labels with your names and address to help people get it right next year.

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 20:54

IsaSchmisa, i really had thought there were bigger fish to fry on here than the way I choose to address a card to a married couple where both parties have chosen to share the same surname, but fwiw I do all sorts of things because it is correct etiquette - as we all do - because it is polite or the socially accepted way of doing things. Why do you sign a letter 'yours sincerely' or 'yours faithfully'? There isn't an etiquette governing body, unless you count Debretts, yet we all hold our cutlery a certain way and so on.

Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 20:55

Libbyb
The passing down of surnames is historical. I agree that a woman should keep her surname if her family descendants are all girls - however, the choice of passing down your surname is something we are meant to take pride in. Our heritage. Your family heritage. It's not something that should be plucked from the air as something you have a choice in. You are your parent's children, just as they are theirs. Call yourself Bangles or Angels or whatever - but you are still the child of the mother that bore you! I think it's disrespectful to reject your family name.

What about my DDs, they're adopted?? You can't be so simplistic about family names.

exaltedwombat · 17/12/2017 20:55

I married my longtime partner last year. I did not allow her to take my name.

Moussemoose · 17/12/2017 20:57

Lizzie48

I have a job where I work on the 'front line' so to speak. At times mumsnet drives me mad with people complaining about trivia when I am up to my neck in real life but bottom line names matter.

It is a relatively simple, small step but by refusing to reject a vile tradition (see previous post on the origin of the tradition) and buying into romance can save you bullshit women are letting themselves and their daughters down.

But like posters keep saying - it's your choice.

fufulina · 17/12/2017 21:02

I’m with you OP. I did change my name. Wish I hadn’t. I don’t know a single man who changed his name and I don’t know a single woman who didn’t.

I also don’t understand why unmarried female friends gave their kids the father’s surname - not theirs?

IsaSchmisa · 17/12/2017 21:05

IsaSchmisa, i really had thought there were bigger fish to fry on here than the way I choose to address a card to a married couple where both parties have chosen to share the same surname, but fwiw I do all sorts of things because it is correct etiquette - as we all do - because it is polite or the socially accepted way of doing things. Why do you sign a letter 'yours sincerely' or 'yours faithfully'? There isn't an etiquette governing body, unless you count Debretts, yet we all hold our cutlery a certain way and so on.

That's just the point though: we don't all hold our cutlery in the same way. And as letters are increasingly dying out, so is the yours sincerely vs yours faithfully. I mean, there are entire sectors where people just use email. I'm in a fairly fusty one (law) and even with us, with the stuff we send in a formal written context instead of email, people are just less likely to use it now than they were when I started out. Which wasn't all that long ago.

So we're still left with the question of who decides it's correct etiquette? The reality is that the practice is considered offensive by many, search for a thread about it on here if you don't believe me. With that in mind, you cannot simply say that it is polite. It is considered the exact opposite by plenty of people. Saying oh well it's correct doesn't reflect the breadth of practice and opinion any more, nor will it get you out of being considered rude by some people.

And really, the time to decide there are bigger fish to fry is before you post about it in the first place!

Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 21:09

As I said before, Moossemoosse, I have no problem with the principle of having a double barrelled name, I just wouldn't want my maiden name again because of my personal history.

But where my DDs are concerned it will of course be very different. And they're adopted so there's an extra dimension there as well.

Givemeonereason · 17/12/2017 21:13

My name is not my identity. I am who I am. Regardless of what I am called.
I wanted DH, DS and I to all share a family name as we are a family. I wanted to be able to take DS out of the country without proving he is mine. I have other reasons for wanting us to share a name, and I am fortunate enough to not need to enlighten you as to why.

hungryhippo90 · 17/12/2017 21:15

You know what gave me the rage? When I was the one working, DH and I weren't married but our English heritage cards and newsletters came through to mr D and B Hippo- it was all vair old fashioned.

I think it's changed recently, but it gave me the RAGE, I would make a point of saying OUR MEMBERSHIP COMES OUT OF MY ACCOUNT - through gritted teeth of course. Slightly better now we are married and It's my name but it used to really annoy me lol

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 21:18

Isa, are you saying that there is no longer a place for etiquette at all, or only in those areas where you disagree with it?

TimeforCupcakes · 17/12/2017 21:23

Really? You're getting mad about women changing their name after getting married and you see that as "anti-feminist"?!?! How about getting mad about stuff that really matters, such as FGM, forced marriage and domestic abuse? All of which happen in this country btw. And whilst you're at it, give the perpetrators of those acts the "shake" you'd reserve for those women rhT dared to change their name after marriage. Get a bloody grip!!!

itsbetterthanabox · 17/12/2017 21:25

It’s so funny how enraged people get on here if someone at work for example pronounces their name wrong or calls them a nickname they don’t go by or if people call their child a nickname they don’t call their child but apparently Names don’t matter.

elastamum · 17/12/2017 21:27

Well I am pissed off because I have been divorced 8 years and with my new partner for 6 and have just received 2 cards with a married name I never used even when I was married! And these are from people who know me well!

Farrah87 · 17/12/2017 21:33

Ahhhhh so feminism isn’t about choice, it’s about doing what we’re told by a group of shouty women who want to ‘shake’ us if we disagree, rather than doing what we’re told by men....?
Got it 👍🏼

kennycat · 17/12/2017 21:41

Ive not read the whole thread but I don't mind at all being referred to as mrs Husband's initial husband's surname. I am proud to be his wife and on a daily basis give myself a little pat on the back that I was so foresighted to marry the successful, intelligent supportive man that I did. Believe me, he didn't give the impression he was going to go very far when we first met!
So that makes me sound like a 'silly little woman' but so what? It's my choice.

Givemeonereason · 17/12/2017 21:42

If someone walked up to me and attempted to shake me because I made a decision about my own life, that had zero impact on their life.... should I be less offended because it's a woman passing judgement on me? Do the inverted sex organs give you more right to have a say in my life? What's next? Shaking women who like to wear skirts or save their armpits? Shaking women who wear makeup? Or do house work? What about women who become SAHMs? Shakes all around?

grannytomine · 17/12/2017 21:47

I now realise why I sometimes open other people's letters, I just don't register what is on the envelope. I will explain this to my sometimes enraged children, although why they still get post here when they left home years ago I do not know.

I have no clue how people write my/our names on the envelope but I am going to take notice this week. One small problem, we have the same initials.

Wilburissomepig · 17/12/2017 21:47

I didn't change my name, because I didn't want to. I'm not sure what business it is of yours if a person does or does not choose to change their name on marriage.

Odd thing to get the 'rage' about.

Moussemoose · 17/12/2017 21:49

TimeforCupcakes

Has anyone said "anti feminist" - I don't think so. Posters have said changing your name is not a feminist decision. It isn't. These are two very, very different points. You can not make a feminist decision while still being a feminist as discussed previously on the thread.

Farrah87 who is shouting? Posters are pointing out it is not a feminist decision. The feminism is about choice had been discussed at length on this thread. Read it - you might find it interesting.

Lizzie48 your dd being adopted really does give them potential to make their own traditions. I'm sure you will help them to see this as a positive not a negative. An opportunity to decide who they want to be. Good luck to your girls!

Strygil · 17/12/2017 21:53

The OP needs something to worry about if this is all that concerns her about what goes in marriages. My wife did not change her name when we married and it has never struck me as being in the slightest bit important as a statement of any kind. "Will you keep your birth name?" "Yes." "Fine, now about what to wear......"

Foxcovert · 17/12/2017 22:00

I have been Ms Foxcovert since I was 18, dislike categorising women by married or unmarried status. Never want to change surname.
I have a friend fiercely ‘miss’, and she cannot wait to change her surname on marriage.. not because she doesn’t like hers... she wants people to know she’s got married!
I have friends who’ve taken dh surname and friends who haven’t.
I have an unmarried friend who changed her surname to dp’s surname by deed poll.
I also know a male doctor who changed his surname on marriage to his dw’s surname... extremely unusual... (a lot of female doctors keep their maiden name professionally or even comletely) but... he changed his original surname as it was the same as an infamous child murderer and he was a Paediatrician...
Horses for courses, nobody has a right to dictate your personal preference in this kind of matter... not even dp, dh or dw. There are far more important things to worry about in the world.

TeaAndToast85 · 17/12/2017 22:00

Also, this whole "oh it was your father's name before" BS. Yes it was my father's name however it's now MY name.

My name was my husbands name...now it's MY name. I like that we all have the same name, we are a unit this way. I am a card carrying feminist, and therefore understand that feminism is all about choice. I reject all the stuff about patriarchy that you are spouting in the same way that I rejected the concept of being 'given away' on my wedding day. My life, my choice. Wind your neck in, OP.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/12/2017 22:00

Strygil
Did she ask you if you’d keep your birth name? Do you have kids?