Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

I am double-barrelled as are the children. Despite making this clear MIL and other older relatives refer to my children by my husbands name. It makes me livid.

FaveNumberIs2

Doesn't mean that any of us are wrong

Right or wrong is a matter of opinion. But the decision to change your name is not a feminist decision.

Just had a massive ‘debate’ about the original post with my partner. We’re not married and certainly too old to start a family, yet we’re now having a ‘conversation’ about why I wouldn’t take his name if we married....which we’re not. A most thought provoking post!

I wanted to change mine. It was something I wanted to do and chose to do. My business, no one else’s.

It doesn’t make me any less of a person, a woman, or a feminist.

@Moussemoose as it happens, we didn't have much money when we got married, so we had to have a registry office wedding.

And you will know, that at a registry office wedding, the father does not give the bride away. So I was not a possession, and I was not passed from one man to the next.

I married of my own free will, as did my husband, and I chose to take his name, and he was happy to let me take his name.

@Moussemoose where the heck did you get the impression that I'm a feminist?

It is really interesting to hear people's testimonies and the link between the choice they made and their own past.

On a practical level, I am currently acting for an enterprise which has a dispute with a friend of my husband's, so it is fortunate my name is different.

FaveNumberIs2
And you will know, that at a registry office wedding, the father does not give the bride away. So I was not a possession, and I was not passed from one man to the next

You specifically mentioned my reference to tradition and I specifically responded as to why tradition was relevant. Your personal experience was not the point.

Big points to your husband for letting you take his name. Great guy.

I’ve never actually thought about the ‘why’ before 😳. On a slight detour...I’ve still got my married name even though I’ve been divorced for 15 years...never occurred to me to change it to be honest...but reading this thread has made me question my lack of action in this regard! I’d quite like to change it actually...but to what? Hmmmm😮

My fiancé is changing his name to mine when we marry next year. Not the norm but he agrees it’s an outdated tradition and there was no way I was taking his name (I like my name and his is very boring / common...think ‘Brown’ or similar. He’s happy to change so he says but I’ve agreed he may as well keep email addresses / work account in his ‘maiden’ name (just realised theirs no word for this?!!!! Just as I would if I had changed mine.

Another friend of mine has also taken his wife’s name mainly as his name was pretty awful and there’s no way she would have taken it but I think professionally it was also a good move not to be called what he was.

Things are slowly changing I think.

@Moussemoose is there really any need for your bitter sarcasm?

I'm all for discussion but you are just being an argumentative tit.

And yes, he's a great guy, and I'm bloody proud to have his name.

Actually, I was talking about this with my DH yesterday. He reminded me that originally surnames indicated the man's particular trade, for example Smith, Taylor etc. So Mrs Taylor really meant 'the taylor's wife'. So the whole idea of surnames is very patriarchal in origin anyway.

Just to throw another thought into the mix - why is it that men stay as "Mr" whilst women generally change from Miss to Mrs when they marry

What’s the big deal? A names, a name. If you don’t like it, then change it. Some women will want to take their partners name and others won’t.
My friend recently got married and they double barrelled their surnames but put her maiden name first. I like the idea of sharing a name, as marriage is a partnership after all. It doesn’t really matter if it’s his or her name, as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement

Being a SAHM is also a patriarchal expectation but does that make those who choose to do so traitors to feminism

Interesting point. Instinctively, I feel that the answer is 'no' - that being a SAHM does very much not make you a traitor to feminism. Practically speaking, someone has got to look after the children! The job of feminism here is to make sure that that job is respected. I think it's also the job of feminism to make sure that men can properly choose to do that job too - so it becomes a proper choice for both parties.

It's not a direct comparison with name changing though, as neither party really needs to change.

FaveNumberIs2

I tesdponded to your point about tradition. I responded to your point about your husband letting you take his name.

I have not responded to your point about your potential feminism or lack thereof.

I am not calling you names.

If anyone wants to applaud my restraint please feel free.

Names have a huge power in all cultures. Of course it’s patriarchal to take on the the husband’s name and to pass it on to children. I didn’t take on husband’s name. Children did. I am me!! But my name is passed down by the patriarchy

Lizzie48

You've been on this thread for ages we have dealt with the "all names are patriarchal" point before.

Yes they are. All names are male in origin. But we have the opportunity to make new traditions by claiming the names as our own. If women pass the names down the matriarchal line we change tradition.

I thought feminism was supposed to be about choice? And some women choose to take their husbands name. So what’s the big deal?

I think most women want equality in the workplace and most areas of life, but still want to hold onto other patriarchal traditions e.g being proposed to, ring wearing, changing their name, traditional- style weddings. So yes it's a contradiction, but it is what it is and I'm not sure things can be changed by telling women what they already know anyway.

I thought feminism was supposed to be about choice?

Judging by this thread, I think there needs to be a public service campaign to clear up this misconception.

Read the thread for answers to both of your questions user.

user1476641978

Please refer to the 56789 times the choice argument has been mentioned on this thread.

Yes I've agreed with this point before myself. I suggested that we might one day have our father's maiden name as a security password rather than our mother's maiden name as we have now. (And hopefully we'll lose that very insulting term 'maiden name' while we're at it!)

Part of me thinks we have far more important issues to think about, however. I'm involved in a project that supports Central Asian women escaping from abuse, so it's hard for me to get worked up about surnames tbh. (Yes, I'll get flamed, I know, but it's how I feel.)

The passing down of surnames is historical. I agree that a woman should keep her surname if her family descendants are all girls - however, the choice of passing down your surname is something we are meant to take pride in. Our heritage. Your family heritage. It's not something that should be plucked from the air as something you have a choice in. You are your parent's children, just as they are theirs. Call yourself Bangles or Angels or whatever - but you are still the child of the mother that bore you! I think it's disrespectful to reject your family name.