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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 17/12/2017 18:05

TrojansAreSmegheads and TheGoldenBowl thankyou both very much for an honest response. I think your reasons probably account for the majority of women. Thank you for moving the debate forward by tackling the real reasons people make free decisions.

I don't get that annoyed when women change their name we all make pressured decisions at times. I am certainly not the perfect icon of feminism by a very long way.

What drives me mad is the refusal of women to consider why they made the decision. The naive belief that their decision was not at all influenced by wider society. Until we start being honest about our reasons for doing things we will struggle to make small changes.

Darnda · 17/12/2017 18:14

I changed my name when I got married because it’s traditional and I like tradition. Doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist and it doesn’t enrage me when people address cards to my husband. To be completely honest you sound like you think you’re somehow superior to most women because you didn’t change your name. And you want to “shake us” to what end? Well suddenly see you’re right and we’ve been wrong. Grow up.

Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2017 18:14

An interesting post. What is important here, is not whether a woman should take her husbands name or not, but what she feels about her choice. It may be that she wants to share a life with this man including a name, which could be his, or hers. It may be to have the same name as the children, which also can be his or hers, but not simple to be both, traditionalists, simplify life or actually, who cares that much? I am a feminist and there are so many more important and violence to women, gang sexual grooming, domestic abuse, psychological and economic controlling. In Italy wives never take the name of the husband, but these things go on there too. The issues to focus on are how to bring up our daughters to feel safe, strong, empowered and equal, in a world that makes that a challenge. That includes a free choice of name with the man she loves. She needs the confidence to be whoever she wants to be. The hard bit for feminists like me would be if my daughters rejected feminism. In the early 70s we were making huge strides and it has saddened me to see so much ground lost in this pink girly Disney, spice girls pop world. My little girls were free from all that pressure and are happy strong women. My grand daughters are gender pressured, not by their parents but by our society and the media

purplebunny2012 · 17/12/2017 18:23

I changed my name 14 years ago. I'm not telling you why, it's got absolutely nothing to do with you!
Mind your own, please.
YABVU

Mumthulu · 17/12/2017 18:30

I had a double barrelled surname before I got married. My father's family abandoned us when he died, and my stepdads family disowned him when he married my Mum. I had no loyalty to either name so I was more than happy to change it. I chose my name.

Also, it's easier to sign 5 letters rather than 14.

Neiflette · 17/12/2017 18:34

@MargaretCavendish

Actually, my partner is last in line not because he doesn't have a brother. He has a brother and a sister, but they have different surnames to him. So he genuinely is the last person in his family, male or female, young enough to reproduce with that nameHmm

Pretty simple.

And no I'm not denying the trends. They are plain to see. I just think it's ignorant to tar all women as making the same choice based on the same reasons.

MissDuke · 17/12/2017 18:36

Op shake me all you like, I couldn't care less Grin I changed my name because I wanted to. I knew we hoped to have children and I wanted us to all have the same name, it was very important to me. Not all of us want to fight every societal norm or traditions. I honestly don't know what business that is of yours? I was very excited to take my husbands name and continue to have no regrets Smile

But then I married because I wanted us to be a family, not for a financial contract......

Pluckedpencil · 17/12/2017 18:40

Both names are patriarchal. Both come from men. The second I chose.

wherestheweightlosspill · 17/12/2017 18:44

Haven't RTFT but I consider myself very much a feminist but my definition of it is not the same as yours. I believe a woman can make any decision she likes about her own life which should not be dictated to her because of her gender. If that choice is to change her name, I believe it is none of my business. If society/men/other women were pressurising her into it that would be a problem, otherwise it's nothing to do with me. Wanting to 'shake' another woman for any decision she has made doesn't seem very 'feminist' to me

wherestheweightlosspill · 17/12/2017 18:47

Ps I do find people addressing a married woman by Mrs. Husband first name, husband last name offensive but I've only ever seen it happen with older relatives so let it go as it seems to be naturally dying.

pallisers · 17/12/2017 18:51

If society/men/other women were pressurising her into it that would be a problem

But society is "pressurising" her on one level. pressurising is too strong a word but it is happening because women traditionally changed their names and a married couple were seen as one legal entity, and that the man. That is the background against which all these women are changing their names because their own ones are their fathers/too long/too foreign/too hard to spell/too rhyming with dick.

This is why men with the same problems don't generally change their names - society is "pressurising" them in the opposite direction.

I don't care what anyone else does - this is a minor issue in terms of the feminist cause but it isn't something that happens in a vacuum.
There have been several very intelligent posts on here explaining exactly why any individual choice can have ramifications in society and why feminism isn't actually about choice - it is about equality.

thebloodycatwontstopmeowing · 17/12/2017 18:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This poster has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to withdraw this post.

TheGoldenBowl · 17/12/2017 18:52

Not all of us want to fight every societal norm or tradition. I honestly dont know what business that is if yours

Really? Have you read the thread?? Societal norms affect society Hmm

SuperSue77 · 17/12/2017 18:54

My husband and I wanted to have the same surname once married and didn't want double-barrelled. He offered to take my surname but I wanted to take his surname. I don't take issue with anyone who choses to have a different surname to their husband and if I am clear on how they wish to be addressed I will address them accordingly.

thebloodycatwontstopmeowing · 17/12/2017 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This poster has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to withdraw this post.

TheGoldenBowl · 17/12/2017 18:57

Is anyone else completely bored of the way all the naysayers keep clinging into the shaking bit? Jeez. It was a turn of phrase! She's not literally advocating violence Confused OP was using exaggeration for effect to express her frustration with the widespread practice. She doesn't literally want to shake each individual woman irrespective of her reasons for name-changing.

Jeez. I changed my name and I'm not wailing about it. I can still totally see OP's point.

FaveNumberIs2 · 17/12/2017 18:59

Tradition. And I like tradition.

I didn’t marry for security, or money, I married because I love the man I wanted to marry, and to me, getting married and sharing his name was the ultimate commitment to spending the rest of my life with him, through everything that was ever to happen to us.

I thought that 21 years ago and I still think that now.

MiaowTheCat · 17/12/2017 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaveNumberIs2 · 17/12/2017 19:01

And I am still me. My husband always introduces me using my name first, so he would say “this is favenumberis2, my wife.”

If anything, I’m in the wrong because I will introduce him as my husband before saying his name. GrinBlush

Shriekable · 17/12/2017 19:02

I think that feminism is about women being able to make a choice, without being made to feel they are in the wrong ... my husband didn't mind whether I changed my name or not: I kept my maiden name for approx 3 years after we were married. I prefer the way my maiden name sounds compared to my married name, but I have real issues with my parents, so changing my name was appealing. One thing that did annoy me was the way that schools and health professionals seemed to be confused by the fact that I initially had a different name to my DC! I Only once have I received a letter addressed to 'Mrs (DH initial) (DH surname) ... I thought it was for him. I wasn't particularly pissed off but I thought the person sending it - DH's aunt - was out of touch.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2017 19:06

I love the man I wanted to marry, and to me, getting married and sharing his name was the ultimate commitment to spending the rest of my life with him, through everything that was ever to happen to us.

Why is it only you making that comittment though?

So you not taking his name isn’t making the “ultimate” commitment to spending the rest of your life with him.

It seems a little hypocritical to me that you don’t expect him to make the same ultimate commitment. If he loves you and wants to marry you, why doesn’t him giving up his name reflect that comittment?

rachelbaylis · 17/12/2017 19:08

Good for you! How often does the man get asked to change their name?! Why should it automatically be the woman who takes the man’s name? Oh yeah! Because we join his tribe! S’cuse me while I go and rub some sticks together to get his supper started...

TheGoldenBowl · 17/12/2017 19:15

I do respect a woman's right to choose. Of course.

But some posters are acting as if we're starting from a totally neutral place, where either party is equally expected to change.

That's not our society. People on this very thread have reported resistance from family members, to the point of falling out over a woman's refusal to adopt her husband's name. That's pretty conclusive.

ElephantsandTigers · 17/12/2017 19:17

I changed my name why I married dh. My surname has been my bio father who has done zero for me in my life and it lent itself to bullying. Every single Christmas card we've received has its envelope addressed to Mr and Mrs {dh initial} our joint surname. Can't see the issue.

Just as some people who don't marry say marriage is just a piece of paper is dismissing those that feel it is more, those that don't change their name aren't any better or worse than those that do. I've never read a single thread that criticised those for not changing their name. Always have threads where people who've changed their names are looked down on. Some non name changers seem to think they are special.

Farrah87 · 17/12/2017 19:18

Feminism is about choice. Women can do whatever them damn well choose to do and patronising fellow women for having a different view to you, is not very feminist at all OP. I personally wouldn’t change my surname but wouldn’t look down my nose and judge anyone who did.