Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Why is that so hard for lots of women to get their head around

They could give children their name, easily and their husband could take their name easily and people do do this.

As far as I can see, there's nothing to get heads round. It's "feminists" that don't seem to be able to get their heads round that another woman might actually want to take their husband surname and to use that surname for any children too.

Mind-blowing isn't it.

Emilychambers
Why do you think it is then that nearly all women do change their name to the mans? Surely if it were just free choice it’d be nearer 50/50 men doing it to? Why do you think that is?

itsbetterthanabox

But what I’m saying is that I don’t care. I don’t care that my husband wouldn’t change his name to my name, because I don’t want him to. My views are tranditional and I don’t agree with your views. I want me and my children to have my husbands name. I think it’s fucking bizarre that someone would be so enraged in my decision about my name that they “want to shake me”. Get a fucking grip, you lot do feminists a disservice - you make us all look unhinged, going around wanting to shake other women for informed decisions they don’t agree with.

I got married last year & changed my surname. I love it. My family aren't bothered that I no longer have my maiden name. It doesn't make a difference frankly. It's just a name.

Frillyhorsey
I don’t want to shake you but I think it’s fucking bizarre to want to change your name to that of a mans who would think it degrading to take yours.
It comes down to worth and self respect. Women still see men as more worthy than them. I find that depressing but it is slowly changing.
But the problem isn’t women here.
It’s men.

If you want to know why it matters and why we care simply ask the men in your life to change their surname to that of their wife. The answer given will tell you why this matters.

Some men do. Some double barrel names. Some change names same as women do.

Men gave the same right to not want to just as women do.

It's called choice.

But the problem isn’t women here

No the 'problem' here is posters having a go at others for choosing something that they didn't.

So how about respecting others choices hey?

Witches
Almost no men do that. Those men are an anomaly. If it were a free choice with no pressure it’d be 50/50 but it’s not.

If it were a free choice with no pressure it’d be 50/50 but it’s not.

No it wouldn't be 50/50.

No one I know had any pressure to do anything.

It's called freedom of choice. It was my choice and mine all alone. Same for all my friends. Some have some haven't.

You can think what you want. It doesn't make you right.

The bloody brilliant thing about feminism is women get to choose their path.

I'm a feminist, I do talks for businesses about feminism in the work place..

I also have my husbands surname.

If your information about feminism largely comes from the boards here, you need to keep looking deeper into it. From your post, it sounds like you've got the anti-patriarchy bit worked out, but you're lacking the nuances that actually make feminism work. Anti-patriarchy is categorically NOT feminism. It's the skin deep part of feminism that people assume is important when they first get to researching, but actual, real feminism is something entirely different.

For example:

I don't have to justify my choice to take my husbands name, just like you don't have to justify your decision not to. Isn't that fab?? Both of us are able to freely make that choice without fear of judgement from other women. We don't have to fear other people thinking that we are either unwilling to let other men know we're married, or that we're weak willed patriarchy sympathisers. Isn't is great that no one has the right to make that judgement of us because we are women and our choices are now freely our own, and our justifications for those choices are no longer up for public scrutiny??

THAT is feminism.

Witches
Why do almost all women take the mans name then? Out of interest? There must be a reason that’s the choice nearly everyone makes?

OP; two of the spearhead points of feminism is to give women equal rights, and the right to make their own decisions. Some women will want to change their names when they get married, others won't.

The reasons behind a woman's decision to change her name or not will vary hugely, but the beauty of it is that we can choose whichever works for us, without explanation, because we can

Why do you think it is then that nearly all women do change their name to the mans? Surely if it were just free choice it’d be nearer 50/50 men doing it to? Why do you think that is

I think it's because they choose too. Just like I chose to.

Maybe some have never thought about the Husband taking their surname?

Free choice doesn't mean an equal 50/50 split for anything.

Are you suggesting that the majority of woman who have changed their name don't realise they don't have to and have been forced into doing so?

When we got married, we were filling out the paperwork at the Registry office and when we were giving our wedding certificate they said if either of you are changing names then you will need extra copies etc.

There was certainly no presumption that I was taking DHs name so I'd imagine it's made clear to most that his name isn't the only option available.

Lizzie48

Please argue with me! As has been said repeatedly it is your choice - no one is telling you what to do. We are just pointing out the choice (and I know you had specific reasons) to change your name on marriage is not a feminist one.

As to the girls not being feminists I I know. I work with young people and after a year with me not many leave who don't say they are feminist! The girls want to conform and be the 'good girls' ( hence my obsession with the term), they want men to approve of them. They reject feminism because they want to please the people around them.

It's easier to encourage the boys to reject the stereotype and call themselves feminists than the girls. The girls are so worried they will offend people.

So the girls are given away and change their names, buy into to the men will save you myth and then, and fucking then, they come on threads like this justifying their decisions to behave.

"Well it's so much easier and he had a nicer name"

Superman
I’ll say it again.
No that’s not what feminism is.
Feminism is the liberation of all women as a class from patriarchy.
Not whatever any woman does in any circumstance is a feminist act.

I think the reason some women on here get so enraged about women changing their surnames on marriage is that they see it as a submissive act - a nod to the entrenched notion that men used to be "head of the household." Some men nowadays may well be ok to take their wives names, but I think most may feel slightly emasculated by that possibly? Most are probably fine to double-barrel though. That's probably the crux of the surnames issue. However, most women now have the choice to be as traditional with the whole wedding set- up as they wish. Just because something is "traditional" doesn't always make it a great evil. It's up to the individual couple to find what feels right for them. If traditions persist in this day and age in this kind of society, it must be because women want them to to some extent. I think this is the reality that the feminist perspective often fails to take account of.

Emily
But WHY do they choose to? That’s the question I’m asking.
I’ve met many women and men who didn’t know you don’t have to take the mans name. I’ve met many men who would refuse to take a woman’s, would mock each other if they did, see it as ‘disrespectful’. The fact that so many people have this attitude shows there definitely is pressure on women to change it.
No it’s not that law. No one argued that.

itsbetter which part of my post are you disagreeing with? The last line of your post is grammatically ambiguous so I'm not clear on your meaning?

OP; two of the spearhead points of feminism is to give women equal rights, and the right to make their own decisions

The right to make a decision isn't the same thing as the right for that decision to never be questioned by anyone else. Again, not all decisions made by women are feminist ones. For instance, some women choose to picket abortion clinics. I don't have to pretend that's a feminist thing to do just because it's something a woman chooses to do.

So if it is my free choice not to change my name, why do people insist on calling me mrs dh?

Why do people think I’m wrong for not changing my name? Why do they, 15 years after i married and 15 years of being introduced to me and told my name, still can not bring themselves to use my name.

Why is the assumption always that the woman changes her name?

If it were truly a free choice surely people would have continued using the name they have always known me by, until told otherwise?

The truth is those of us who don’t change names are seen as different, or militant feminist. The societal norm is to conform, to fit in, and it’s also why men don’t change their names...

Superman
I meant in the last sentence-
Feminism is not simply claiming that any act any woman does is a feminist one.

Why do almost all women take the mans name then? Out of interest? There must be a reason that’s the choice nearly everyone makes

That's a silly question. No one, no matter how much of a feminist they think they are, can possibly answer for every female in the world why they change their name. Everyone will have a different reason or thought process behind it.

Of course it's easy to assume that every female who changes isn't "clever" enough or "feminist" enough to realise their are other options and it suits some "feminists" to brow beat another woman for making a choice that they don't agree with and to label them and judge them and basically treat them the exact same way some men may treat them but say it's ok as it's feminism.

It's bloody exhausting having to explain yourself all the time to people who ask for explanations then choose not to listen to your reasons (not specifically you)

I changed my name because I wanted us all to have the same name, but I was sad to give up my surname and have kept it professionally. I am not too keen on double barrelling as I wonder about how the next generations will deal with that. Triple/quadruple barrelling? Which names do you then keep or drop?

Blending to make a new name is an interesting idea but as a bit of a history buff, I think it'd be a shame to lose old surnames that date back centuries and have origins in local customs, place names etc.

Reallyanotherone
Very true!
If it’s a free choice- Why were Dh family pissed off I didn’t take his name, why does everyone I’ve met assume I have and I’m Mrs, why are people shocked and ask if DH cares when I say I didn’t?
Why am I often put down as Mrs on documents even though I say otherwise?
And why do so many people say ‘ I didn’t even know you could do that’