Page 21 | Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

mulledoverwine · 2017-12-15T22:17:26+00:00

I am recently married and did not change my name. I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't). Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy. I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm [hmm] more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here. I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!! I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Neiflette · 17/12/2017 00:26

StickThat

Exactly. I wouldn't change my name to my husband's I'd it was something cringey or harsh.

Clint. I hate that name. I would never be a Mrs Clint. He can have mine.

hollowtree · 17/12/2017 00:30

I wanted our family and children to have the same name. But my DH's surname is so stupid and I hate it! Much preferred my old one

Gwenhwyfar · 17/12/2017 00:55

"No that’s not the point of feminism.
The point of feminism is liberation of women from patriarchy not whatever any woman says or does is feminist."

This.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/12/2017 00:56

"I get torn about the "giving away" at weddings too.

One the one hand, it's sexist and all the rest.
On the other, "

I find that less important than a surname. A wedding ceremony is one day of using old traditions. A surname is something you use every day.

DNAwrangler · 17/12/2017 02:23

I have been reading mumsnet a long time. Almost fifteen years. I am so, so pleased at the gradual rise in the number of threads about this. Every time I see another one I think 'we're another step closer to my DD and DN not having to deal with this name changing shit'. So thanks OP!

As it happens, I didn't change my name on marriage. My DD and DS have double barreled names. Noone will be able to tell my DD she's choosing between her father's name and her husband's name. By then it'll be her grandfather's name and her husband's name. Assuming that people haven't had an epiphany and realised that MEN DON'T OWN NAMES.

And to the poster upthread who said her DH is the head of her household - WTF?! Don't be so ridiculous.

RemainOptimistic · 17/12/2017 02:28

What happens when two double barrelled named people get married and want to double barrel? Quadruple barrelled?

DNAwrangler · 17/12/2017 02:35

Lots of options. They

both keep their own names
take one part of each name
take a new name

Just like everyone else...

Qs333 · 17/12/2017 02:41

why is it pretty much always the woman who changes. Most men would never change their surname. All the reasons women give (want the family to have the same name, our names don't sound good together so we couldn't possible double barrel, not close to family), all of these could also apply to men and they rarely end up being the ones to change.

dontwanttogetshafted · 17/12/2017 02:54

I agree it’s a woman’s choice but I do think it’s frustrating that so many women seem to do it. Virtually all of my female friends have changed & I don’t know any males that have. Some have said they hate there new name, then why change? Our kids have both surnames, it helps my surname is short but I would have felt the same regardless.

MsP0b · 17/12/2017 07:44

@Moussemoose

You are making brilliant points, thank you

frontdoughnuts · 17/12/2017 08:12

Your maiden name is most likely going to be your fathers name though isn’t it?
My fathers a misogynist so...
My husband suggested we combine our names to form a new one, but couldn’t be arsed with the hassle.
However, I never address cards using the husbands initial as well. That’s my tiny weenie fuck you to patriarchy

Sevendown · 17/12/2017 08:17

I don’t understand the ‘I want to have the same name as my dcs argument’.

Give the dcs your name!

Why is that so hard for lots of women to get their head around?

WitchesHatRim · 17/12/2017 08:31

Why is that so hard for lots of women to get their head around?

Why is it so hard for some to get their heads around the fact many women want to change their name!

NerrSnerr · 17/12/2017 08:34

Severn it wasn’t just me who wanted the same name as our children- my husband did too. For reasons explained earlier in the thread we chose his name. Surely men want the same name as their children like women do?

MaisyPops · 17/12/2017 08:41

Sevendown
Because often fathers want the same name as their children too.

I didn't take DH's name because I'm some slave to the patriarchy. I took his name because it's easier than my maiden name and i want our family to have the same same.

But really it doesn't matter whether a woman does/doesn'g change her name. It is her choice.

Now if cards were addressed to 'mr and mrs S Pops' then i would be annoyed because it's defining me by my husband. But Mr and Mrs Pops is fine by me

Moussemoose · 17/12/2017 08:59

Everyone (woman) has a really, really good reason why they have to change their name. Every (woman's) name is too long, too short, too difficult to spell, sounds too funny. Every potential husbands name is just right.

Tradition is the easiest option, the path of least resistance, it makes everyone happy.

A name is a symbol, it isn't the biggest battle, or the most important symbol but it counts and it matters. Every time someone opts for the easy option it makes it harder for other women and it sets back the other more important issues. Like I said earlier I make my share of crap decisions for the sisterhood but I am honest. The thing that fucks me off most about this thread is the inability to face up to the unpalatable aspects of your decision.

Women are sold romance: weddings, flowers, being given away and changing names and then are surprised when romance turns into handcuffs. Not everyone, not every relationship but enough. If you are good and do what you are told, you will get your romantic reward.

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 08:59

I addressed all of my cards in exactly the way you hate op.

I do it because it is still the 'correct' etiquette when addressing a joint card or invitation, and I cba asking everyone how they prefer their card to be addressed. Should it become apparent that a friend prefers a different firm of address, then I do it their preferred way thereafter.

I don't do it to annoy you or anyone else, I just default to the correct writing etiquette for efficiency.

I don't disagree with anything you say btw, about women taking their husband's surname, but while women still choose and want to do it I don't think it's your place to be angry on their behalf.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2017 09:13

"but while women still choose and want to do it I don't think it's your place to be angry on their behalf."

This ^^

Frillyhorseyknickers · 17/12/2017 09:21

Give the dcs your name!

Someone is always going to compromise though - why is it any more acceptable or progressive for a man to change his name?

I’m married into an old English family, my husband is the only son. If I had insisted our DS take my name, his family name would have stopped, I find that really sad and it was important to me that both my DS and I took his name. I’m not expecting everyone to agree with me or my reasons, but telling me I’m wrong or that I’m doing a disservice to women just boils my piss.

MargaretCavendish · 17/12/2017 09:43

Everyone (woman) has a really, really good reason why they have to change their name. Every (woman's) name is too long, too short, too difficult to spell, sounds too funny. Every potential husbands name is just right.

And let's not remember that every man without a brother is 'the end of his line'. One friend solemnly told me she had to take her husband's name because she had brothers but 'otherwise his name will die out'. I won't state the name but it wouldn't actually be that outing because there are probably 1000s of people in the UK with this surname...

EmilyChambers79 · 17/12/2017 09:43

I once sat in on a lecture at a 6th form college in which the speaker asked the auditorium to raise their hands if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Hardly any of them did; you know why? Because there's some woman somewhere telling them that they are 'doing it wrong'. I don't blame them. I think these types of issues are a bit 't-shirt' feminism

This!! A thousand times over.

I've been told on here on numerous occasions that I'm not feminist because of all the things I don't do or that I'm doing something wrong.

This includes changing my name to my Husband's, waxing, doing the majority of housework, doing the majority of childcare, organising and buying presents for his side of the family for all events etc.

I'm not dictated to by my Husband, controlled by him or have no place in the world because of my choices.

If anything, I play my strengths in our marriage and he picks up my weak areas and vice versa.

My friend gave her daughter her surname and told her partner that they would only ever have the same name once they were married and that it would be her name. It was very important to her to have the same name as her daughter.

Now she's married to someone different, has taken his name and her daughter has a different surname from Mom and Dad.

I just don't like being told what I can and can't do by people who think they know what is best and then get accused of setting back feminism by a hundred years because I didn't create a random surname on marriage.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2017 09:47

"I once sat in on a lecture at a 6th form college in which the speaker asked the auditorium to raise their hands if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Hardly any of them did; you know why? Because there's some woman somewhere telling them that they are 'doing it wrong'. I don't blame them. I think these types of issues are a bit 't-shirt' feminism

This!! A thousand times over."

A thousand and one

"I just don't like being told what I can and can't do by people who think they know what is best and then get accused of setting back feminism by a hundred years because I didn't create a random surname on marriage."

This ^^

Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 09:51

I once sat in on a lecture at a 6th form college in which the speaker asked the auditorium to raise their hands if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Hardly any of them did; you know why? Because there's some woman somewhere telling them that they are 'doing it wrong'. I don't blame them. I think these types of issues are a bit 't-shirt' feminism

I agree, too, definitely. I really don't see why it's any better to be told what to do by feminists than to be told to be 'a good girl and not argue'. (My abusive father said this, a lot.)

MargaretCavendish · 17/12/2017 09:51

I really fundamentally disagree with the idea that the reason young women might not identify as feminists (and actually, among the students I teach a very heartening number do identify in that way) is because feminists are too vocal, rather than because the voice of anti-feminism is such a mainstream one.

And I would never dream of telling other women whether or not they should consider themselves feminists. That doesn't mean I have to pretend to think that all choices a woman ever makes are inherently feminist ones.

itsbetterthanabox · 17/12/2017 09:53

If you want to know why it matters and why we care simply ask the men in your life to change their surname to that of their wife. The answer given will tell you why this matters.