Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

sometimes the feminist option is the one that helps other women, rather than ourselves,

I support a growing network that encourages young women at GCSE-level to consider STEM subjects/careers. I've donated more than I care to admit to women's refuges. In all I've done, I've never once stopped to consider whether the women I was collaborating with had adopted their husband's surnames. In fact I don't think I could even roughly estimate how many of my female colleagues that are married adopted their fiancés names or vice versa.

I'm not saying that only one feminist issue at a time can only be considered. But, I wonder how many of the women I spoke to at the refuge were secretly judging those of us that had changed their surnames.

An anti-feminist choice to me would be perhaps suggesting that sanitary products should also face a price increase - I mean costs are rising all round (toiletries included) so why should sanitary products be exempt.

Judging others over who chooses to have whose last name in a marriage unless I'm also joining that union, is frankly not my place, nor any of my business and is entirely missing the wood for the trees.

I once sat in on a lecture at a 6th form college in which the speaker asked the auditorium to raise their hands if they considered themselves to be a feminist. Hardly any of them did; you know why? Because there's some woman somewhere telling them that they are 'doing it wrong'. I don't blame them. I think these types of issues are a bit 't-shirt' feminism.

But all this aside, you are entitled to your view as I am mine.

Words matter, names matter - you are kidding yourself if you think they don't. To imply names have no significant meaning is naive.

By using the expression be "naughty" I am referring to the fact that women are socialised to behave and be good. Not making a fuss about anything is a trait much valued in girls. "Girls are always so well behaved" a phrase we have all heard. So by being naughty you are subverting the norm.

Please be assured I am not sheltered. Or good. Or very well behaved.

I rebel in many ways, some big, some small - I just wish others would take even a small step like keeping their name rather than squirming in an attempt to justify what is clearly an anti feminist decision.

Do people really have the time of day to care about what other women choose? If you were really a feminist OP, you would believe that women have the choice. They can change their name if they want or they can choose to keep their own name.

I personally chose to change my name. My surname didn't mean anything to my family. Dad's dad was a waste of space. Dh name meant a hell of a lot to him. My choice to stuck with tradition. End of.

I know men who have changed their names to their wives. Couples who have double barreled. One woman I know changed her surname with her first husband, remarried after his death and kept her first husband's name because that was her first love. A lot of my female friends changed their surnames. We each had our reasons for our personal choices.

It sounds like you need a hobby. Maybe then you wouldn't be so caught up on other people's choices.

Every time i wax or shave I am aware this is anti feminist. It just is - I understand why it projects a false image of women but I do it anyway.

What I don't do is pretend that that choice is feminist. It isn't.

I hope the other choices I make outweigh that one. I don't kid myself about it though.

It is not a feminist decision.If you don't understand this, then I'm not saying that you are less intelligent than me. But I will say that you have a lesser understanding of the bigger issues on this than me.

I know this response was not to me but honestly you are incredibly patronising and that's putting it mildly.

Anyway @yorick . I'm returning my feminist badge in the morning, might see you in the queue.

Every time i wax or shave I am aware this is anti feminist. It just is - I understand why it projects a false image of women but I do it anyway.

I don't even know where to start with this. Shaving your legs is not an anti-feminist choice. It isn't. Just for contingency; if a woman with grey hair dyes it to resemble its colour pre-greying is she making an ageist choice?

I changed my name when we married as a sign of togetherness which surely is what marriage is about? I am a strong independent woman who believes in equality for all. Didn't matter whether it was his surname or mine but we both wanted to share the same one. Those of you posting such stuff in the name of feminism are just as offensive to other women as many men. Feel free to shake away

"squirming in an attempt to justify"

I don't see why you can't accept that there are very personal reasons as to why one may choose the maternal or paternal names, that are separate from the issue of patriarchal tradition.

So if patriarchy never existed, no woman would ever shave her legs? I call bullshit.

Sure, shaving of legs is a sexist thing - predominately aimed at women, not men, for no valid reason really. However, had we lived in a feminist world from the off, there would still be people with preferences surely?

"Do people really have the time of day to care about what other women choose?"

Well, feminists do. The personal is political as they say.

Secondhoneymoon
If it didn’t matter whose name it is then why was it his name?

It’s not about caring about what other women choose.
It’s about caring about how a sexist society pressures and expects women to see themselves as less valuable than men. The micro creates the macro.

What business is that of yours??? The whole point of feminism is to give women personal choice. Not forced into anything by anyone. Personal choice.

It’s about caring about how a sexist society pressures and expects women to see themselves

And the OP expects women to choose to keep their own name. No difference there.

I never felt pressured to change my name. I chose to. End of. If someone is really going to get angry for me using my right to choose it says more about their lack of understanding of the right of choice.

Still don't understand why name-changers think that a society where women dont change their name will be less patriarchal than ours when plenty exist and they are just as if not more patriarchal than ours.

I really think it's such a side note to our existence I can't get worked up about it. I actually think the shaving of legs and dying of grey and preening is much more anti-feminist and much more damaging to other women and the movement, but I'm sure plenty will "squirm" in defending their right to wax, or tell us they do it for themselves.

The name thing is just such a non- thing. But what is really off putting is women mansplaining it to each other and disbelieving that anyone could have thought about the issue and come to a different conclusion then theirs that is also valid. Really disheartening if Im honest.

OP can I ask did you get (a) an engagement ring ( which men don't want or get) (b) wear a big white wedding dresses (men tend wear clothes no different than the would for any other special occasion ) (c) get given away ( need I say more)... so many women want to talk about the traditions they believe are sexist while following all other outdated sexist norms. Did you not consider asking your new husband to take your name ?

I might be being a bit thick but I don’t understand the argument that the only feminist option is for a woman to keep her own name.

Surely the point is that a woman should have the choice? Shunning a woman and slagging her off for wanting to change her name doesn’t really sit right with me. It’s just women trying to take the choice away instead of men surely?

No that’s not the point of feminism.
The point of feminism is liberation of women from patriarchy not whatever any woman says or does is feminist.

It’s about women as a class not you as an induvidual.

Mmm I just think let women live however the fuck they want to live. As I have said, my dp is taking my name but that was not a feminist decision, I just hate his name.

I am becoming more and more of a feminist and notice sexism more and more in daily life but the name thing is something I can’t get worked up about. Probably becuase in my friends and family I have such a mix of people who kept names/took names/made new names and each decision was solely the couples choice. Tbh if any many demanded the woman change their name for whatever reason, I would be leaving his ass (or reccomending friends to!)

I get torn about the "giving away" at weddings too.

One the one hand, it's sexist and all the rest.
On the other, I know my grandfather would want to walk me down the aisle, and I don't want to take that away from him as he never had his own daughter. He's elderly and I'd like him to have that experience before he dies.