Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

My husband took my name. It wasn't a big feminist statement, it just made sense for us. I like that me, my husband and kids all share our family name. It's untrue that men never take the woman's name, I've met a few over the years. It's more admin than the other way (or at least it was when we did it).

"Ms/Miz. Fuckit. Doesn't matter, just arses who make an obstacle of the whole thing."

I don't pronounce it Miz myself though and I think Miz would be heard Miss anyway. I pronounce it something like muhz. I realise that might not be correct, but it's how I've always done it and people do understand when I answer 'Miss or Mrs?' with ,Muhz please'.

This thread demonstrates everything that is negative about feminism.

I consider myself a feminist, but don't go hectoring people about what they should and shouldn't do. For a start it never works. How many people have converted to becoming a Jehovah's Witness from being hectored for example?

I have a wedding ring - so does DH. I changed to Mrs OH’s name because I wanted to.

I don't feel owned by my husband or chained to him, or indeed the downtrodden little woman. I don't feel that I have lost my identity either. In a professional capacity I am known as Lonicera Japonica - no title. Customers and suppliers don't know that I am married, nor do they care. I am not perceived as my husband's chattel by anyone. I am my own person.

"I don’t think anyone should have to explain why they’ve taken their husbands name. Just as you shouldn’t have to explain that you haven’t. It may have started as a patriarchal practice but I doubt that Is the case now."

I agree NSEA. I think many traditions that started off as patriarchal are now seen as just traditions and people don't associate them with the patriarchy any more. Some of us really aren't interested in overthinking this.

"I'm with you, OP. I despair when women change their name on marriage"

I despair when "feminists" like you feel that you have to judge women who change their name on marriage or who decide to change from Miss to Mrs. Is it only me that gets the impression that some posters are rather bitter about this name change thing, and are projecting their own issues?

“A woman doesn't lose her identity because she chose to take his name. There's more to a person than a surname. Why wouldn’t you want to have the same as your children? Why would you have coffee instead of tea.....it's a stupid question OP move on.”

I agree with this ^^ as well

“it still sends out the message that men are more important.”

See, I don’t think it does. I have the confidence to share the same surname as OH because I don’t see it as being “better” than mine.

I can't be arsed to trawl through the thread but no doubt someone had pointed out to the OP that the maiden name she kept is probably her father's not her mother's, so she's still part of the patriarchal chain.

"OP you’ve said several times you are ‘a feminist’. I don’t think you actually understand what feminism means. It means the right to equal opportunities. The right to choice. The right to freedom of thought. It does NOT mean you get to have a fixed idea then beat other women with a stick for not fitting in with your narrow mindset."

No, feminism isn't just about choice. Equality isn't just about equal opportunities either, it can be about equality of outcome to some people.

As has been pointed out over and over on this thread, a woman's choice to take her husband's name is not made in a vacuum. If it were a completely free choice, we'd see as many men doing it.

Millie tant personified.

I didn't change my name - seemed a load of pointless life admin - but couldn't care less if others do.

I think those who argue that a woman should retain her 'maiden' name should think how patriarchal that term is!!

I quite like the grimness of the term maiden name. My virgin name, from back when I was untouched. Ewwww. I wonder if I should've changed it the first time I had sex?

My FIL asked me if I was changing my name when DH and I got married, and when I said no he said “good. I think less of women who change their names”

Since then I’ve been considering changing my name because it wound me up so much :/

"My FIL asked me if I was changing my name when DH and I got married, and when I said no he said “good. I think less of women who change their names” shock"

Good for him"
My friend's father suggested to her and her fiance that she could double barrel so keep her maiden name and take his name. Her fiance said she could marry another [his surname] if that was what she wanted.

Reverse psychology perhaps ronnie?

I'm not married to my OH and I got a Christmas card from one of my aunties addressed as Mr and Mrs (OH's surname). I was not impressed!!

Personal choice. The essence of feminism.

But yes - I never use the Mr and Mrs husband's initial surname form of address which is very outdated.

@LoniceraJaponica no, my MIL kept her name (they married when my DH was about 10).

Does feel a bit like you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

Sorry that was supposed to be just bold not tagged. Am a noob!

No worries ronnie

As a woman can't I choose what I do?

I've chosen to take on a family name as we are a complete family unit with yes, my husband as the head of the household.

I don't get why you have such a problem with this.

I like that my children have the same name as both their parents

I said this on a post a while back and got promptly told that Day should have taken my name if that was the case and another post asked if I was going to give my DS the surname of every man I marry.

I hate that these so called feminists can't and won't acknowledge that females want to take their Husband's name and are perfectly entitled to do so but absolutely insist that their "feminist" view is the right one to adhere to.

There was a poster on the same bread that said she knows she would have failed at parents ting if her daughter took her husband's name. I found that quite sad.

I'm getting quite annoyed with all the posts saying that feminism is all about supporting women doing whatever they feel like, because just making a choice is feminist. No it isn't. Some choices are anti-feminist choices. Women who picket outside abortion clinics, women who victim blame rape victims, women who teach their children rigid and hierarchical gender roles. These are all choices, but I am perfectly entitled to condemn them all as anti-feminist choices. Not everything a woman does is feminist; that would make the term meaningless. For me personally a woman changing her name doesn't fall into that category (though I do wish more women would at least consider keeping their own), but there's nothing non-feminist about OP criticising choices just because they're choices made by women. Women perpetuate patriarchy too!

I thought long and hard about this when i got married.
But i realised "my" name is actually my father's name. So i was really quibbling about changing one man's name for another.
What settled it for me is that DH's surname is pretty unique - so now my first name/surname is unique in the world.

But i realised "my" name is actually my father's name. So i was really quibbling about changing one man's name for another.

This is only true if you now consider yourself to have taken your father-in-law's name.

I hate that so many who change their name refuse to acknowledge that it has an impact beyond themselves. Do whatever you like, but don't get upset when people who are affected by it have a view on it.

MirriVan, firstly, I'm sorry that I've picked on your posts because they are the most reasonable. I've picked out what irked me about what you've said, in italic.

*Yes, people should have the choice, but is it really a completely free choice when so many women choose to go along with a (what for centuries has been) a sexist cultural norm?

I find this derisory because many women have reasons for changing their name that may have anything to do with the Patriarchy but nothing to do with marriage really. I changed my name on marriage because I have nothing to do with my father and I didn't want his name. I realise that you can change your name at any time but again, without a 'valid' reason such as marriage, the inference is that it's a 'bit odd'. Marriage gave me the excuse.

Probably not. Many of you who say you chose it have been heavily
influenced to do so.

It's that word 'influence', as if women (particularly) are a special form of 'nit-wit' who are incapable of making any decisions for themselves. It's the refusal of some feminists to accept that some of the decisions that women make are made of their own volition.

If I were to get married, the options would be:
1.) New portmanteau surname for both of us
2.) Double barreling - for BOTH of us
3.) I keep my maiden name and he keeps his own name.

and the other option is 4) Take their husband's name. It's not the option that you would choose but it's a valid option and you feel that it isn't and that it should no longer be an option for women who would choose it.

I would not take his name even if I liked it better than mine (and I've no particular attachment to mine), and even though I'd have a preference for us both having the same name.
I wouldn't take his name because it's very important to me that the practice the majority of women taking the man's surname goes away, and that won't happen unless those who care enough about it, fight it*

I agree that there are reasons where taking a husband's name isn't actually a 'choice' and that there is some coercion, but for some women this just isn't the case yet you would 'fight' to take that option away from them if I understand you correctly.

We're already living under the Patriarchy and it's a bit shit. I'm wondering whether living under a Matriarchy would, in effect, just mean a different bucket because it appears that women will always be judged and told what to do, what they can and can't have and how they must think in order to 'fit in'.

Lying - I think OP's just wants to 'shake' women i.e. talk to them about why they do this, challenge it, not ban it or make it illegal.
It's how I feel about the burka. I don't like it and I find it not feminist, but I'll defend a woman's right to cover up if she wants to.
I'll also defend people's right to say if they don't agree with something. I obviously can't choose your name for you, but I should be allowed to say if I don't agree with someone changing her name on marriage. Free speech.