Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

I'm with you. We had a handfasting. I didn't get 'given away. I have kept my maiden name.

I actually like my husbands jokes original or not....

I think in conversations like this everything is relevant. Do we not all have opinions and can we not share examples.... I was asked a question so I answered it with an example.

And reading back through it it hasn't really got much to do with it

I don't think you can c

How much actual choice? 100%, all the choice was mine. I'm a grown ass woman who chose to take her husbands name, why? Because I wanted to, it literally is as simple as that. No hidden agenda, no patriarchy, my choice alone.
Don't project your ideas onto my choice and colour it to suit your agenda. Doing that belittles my choice.

Sorry I didn't mean to post that, the DDs are with me!

I don't think the OP can complain about posters being nasty when her first post was aggressive as she herself admitted yesterday.

I did change my name. I'm glad as I don't want any connection to my abusive father.

How is it less patriarchal to keep the name of your father? See above me comment on east Asian societies.

Perhaps you need to think about what a name is. A first name is your individual name, the surname denotes which family you are from.

As far as I was concerned, marrying DH was making him my primary family, not my parents. I wanted us and any children to have the same family name as a marker we were one family unit.

I was happy to change mine and felt no need to hold on to my old family identity marker. (It helped that while DH had a client facing job, I didn't, so it didn't matter about being known by an old name for work).

I know there's a history of "ownership" of woman re changing name, but if I thought for one second that by marrying DH he would now consider me his property, I wouldn't have married him.

I’m adopted so my name has already been changed once. I was happy to become Mrs Mulberry’sHusbandsSurname when I got married.

I’ve never even thought about it!

Shaking is obviously rather much, but the reality is that the decision to change one's name is also something that has an impact on other women, so other women are going to have an opinion on it. I would like to have the option of an equivalent title to Mr, but I don't, and other women's choices, freely made or otherwise, take this away from me. This is the way that titles work: you want a certain meaning attached to yours, you're also reliant on other people to observe that to some extent.

Also, it's not keeping your dad's name v taking your husband's. You can either phrase it as keeping your own name v taking your husband's, or keeping your father's name v taking your FILs. Compare like with like.

I decided not to change my name but still get referred to as Mrs DH by my DCs school, my MIL and others. I don’t let it bother me. It’s a personal decision that makes me feel that I am still connected to my family and haven’t lost my identity. I’ve no problem with others that choose to change their names, admin wise it is a lot more straightforward not to have to keep explaining yourself or correcting people.

Feminism is about having the freedom to make choices without being judged. It's about being equal in all aspects of life. It was my choice not to get married.
And besides, you admit getting married for financial security. How is that flying the flag for your type of feminism?

I was very happy taking my husband's surname, as I had an uncommon surname that nobody could ever pronounce or spell. Countless times, I sat in waiting rooms and missed my name being called, because it was called out with totally the wrong pronunciation. EVERY time someone took my name, I had to spell for them.

DH has a common name, which is bliss imo! Frankly, feminists should be tackling real problems like why wage discrimination still exists, as at the BBC; not non problems like women should not change their name on marriage!

Far, far to go on this yet but do stop creating feminist issues where there are none.

There is a feminist issue here. That's not a matter of opinion. You just get to choose whether you're bothered about it or not.

Does your name actually change though? I thought it was just a courtesy title you could use if you wanted 🤔

In my opinion, true feminism is in having the choice and freedom to choose what suits your circumstances.

I agree with this but there are some feminists who think their way is the only way.

Shake all you like. What I decided to do with my name upon my marriage is no concern of yours.

I am not Mrs {His Initial} surname. I am Mrs {my Initial} surname.

Really do not understand why a woman's choice (that she is free to make, btw) offends people so much. Do you really not think we can use our brains and decide what we want to do?

I think potentially the problem is what mulberry72 said - 'i've never even thought about it'.

It's so much the done thing that people don't really think about it that much, it's just what you do when you get married. But of course that doesn't stop it having an effect.
It does still perpetuate the idea that women are belongings owned first by their father and then by their husband, even when we don't consciously think of it in that way.

Nerrserr
This is my experience too

Your name just changes if you want it to. Not automatically. The same as when you're not married, actually. And you can legally use any name or title you want as long as you're not trying to do so for the purposes of deception.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!

Why?

"It's so much the done thing that people don't really think about it that much, it's just what you do when you get married. But of course that doesn't stop it having an effect."

Which is why we should be able to talk about it. Some people may not have any women in their acquaintance who've kept their own name. Some people even think changing your name is a legal requirement!

I would like to understand the reasons why women change their names upon marriage: Aside from anything else, why tf do you think YOU are owed any explanations?

What I decided to do with my name upon my marriage is no concern of yours.

This isn't the case, because the choices we make about the titles we use have an impact on others.

Other women's decision to denote their marital status with their title makes it more difficult for me to be able to use a genuinely neutral title equivalent to Mr, because Ms isn't it. Equally, your desire to be called Mrs and have people know that means you're married is reliant on others playing ball. If eg all adult women started calling themselves Mrs, or only the unmarried or divorced ones did, it would soon have a different meaning.

Thus, while you certainly have the right to make that choice, it's a choice that also involves and affects other people. Meaning they get a view on it too.

Women have the freedom to choose whichever name they like. How is it anti-feminist to choose their husband's? I like that my children have the same name as both their parents. Frankly, it's just easier. My name changed when I got married but it's just a name, I'm still the person I was. For me, the freedom to choose my name in the same way my husband can, is equality.