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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
GrumpyOldFucker · 16/12/2017 07:13

Well, I agree with you. When we married we discussed choosing an entirely different name to be ours alone, but my husband wasn't up for that, and double-barrelling didn't work.

I've kept my maiden name and Ms throughout the marriage.

My father did have an almighty argument about it when I informed him over the wedding lunch, which almost made me change my mind. Wish I'd picked my mother's surname, it's far nicer too.

ferntwist · 16/12/2017 07:16

YANBU. I haven’t changed my name for most stuff either, although I’ve noticed most people use my married name on Christmas cards.

KHShasabigproblem · 16/12/2017 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

purplemunkey · 16/12/2017 07:32

I never understand this argurment. In most cases your 'maiden' name is your father's name that your mother took on through marriage anyway, so how is choosing that one over your husband's any more feminist?

I think having the freedom of choice to keep your maiden name, change to your husband's, have your husband change his name to yours, double barrel or pick a new family name altogether is a good thing.

Get over yourself OP, keeping your maiden name does not make you better, more wise or 'more feminist' than anyone else.

ForalltheSaints · 16/12/2017 07:40

If a couple you know have got married, did you not ask if the woman was continuing to use her maiden name? When women at work have been getting married, I have often asked, recognising it is their choice and to avoid upsetting them.

Where they use their husbands surname, for those I send cards to, it is to Mr A and Mrs B Surname.

smileygrapefruit · 16/12/2017 07:40

I changed my name because I wanted to. I like that me, DH and our children all share a name. I don't care what others do. And fwiw, my friends got married recently and he took her name.

OllyBJolly · 16/12/2017 07:49

I'm with you, OP. I despair when women change their name on marriage - and then correct everyone who calls them the name they've had for the past 30 years.

Yes, there is a choice. But don't kid yourselves that adopting your husband's name is a free choice.

hedlesschicken · 16/12/2017 07:56

I'm happy with my husbands name. I love having his name. Personally I thinks it's how it should be. Not much of a feminist to be fair though.. I think it's all going a little overboard! Men can't say an thing any more without someone going at them. What ever happened to a bit of banter and a not so serious life.

LolitaLempicka · 16/12/2017 08:02

Last names will become obsolete. Many women not changing their names to their husband's name already have the last name of another man. My children have both our names, just as I did from both my parents, but at some point they all originate from a man.

LolitaLempicka · 16/12/2017 08:05

hedless really? What banter are we talking about?

GrapesAreMyJam · 16/12/2017 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 16/12/2017 08:10

I didn’t choose the surname I was given at birth, it’s my father’s. How is that any more feminist than choosing a surname for myself when I get married? I’m going to take HTB’s name because ours sound awful together and his is more interesting!

gunsandbanjos · 16/12/2017 08:10

I got married 2 weeks ago and am delighted to have taken my husband's name. There was no pressure to do it, it was entirely my choice as it is entirely your choice to keep your maiden name.
I am not judging you for your choice but you seem determined to judge me for mine, how is your choice superior to mine? What happened to supporting each other?
Only thing that's annoying is it's a total ball ache to change everything!

Ragwort · 16/12/2017 08:13

I didn't change my name when I first married (in fact I used my step father's name - not the name on my birth certificate, not even my 'legal' name but never caused any problem). I did change my name when I got married the second time.

Whatever name I use has no influence on my feminist views at all, it's only a word, people get so het up about their 'identity'. Just use a name - so what ? Hmm.

I know women who live with their partner, don't get married, keep their own name but have the least 'feminist' views of anyone I know but think they are so hip because they 'keep their own name'.

hedlesschicken · 16/12/2017 08:14

Me and my husband mess about all the time. He was saying to me the other week about doing the ironing and house work been a woman's job (trust me he does his fair share) and he was totally shot down by someone who we know but isn't a friend...

We were like wow it was a joke.

LolitaLempicka · 16/12/2017 08:15

How funny...

coconutnut · 16/12/2017 08:16

Shouldn't you be pleased that women get a choice about whether they want to change their name or not?

Mominatrix · 16/12/2017 08:16

I always find this argument a bit odd as it is Western centric, but I guess to the OP, the world is completely just about her, her ideas, and her outlook.

I grew up in a culture which is highly patriarchal yet the woman, upon marriage, kept her maiden name - in fact it is illegal to take on your husband's name. A woman would always be identified by her father's lineage over her husbands. I would not call those countries hotbeds of feminism.

I keep my name professionally and legally as all my diplomas and licences to practice are in my maiden name. Also, I am far too lazy to want to fill out all the paperwork to change everything. I informally add my husband's surname to my name in dealing with school issues or children specific issues to prevent confusion. Could not care less what last name people call me and it has nothing to do with the patriarchy to me, just administrative ease.

NSEA · 16/12/2017 08:17

I don’t think anyone should have to explain why they’ve taken their husbands name. Just as you shouldn’t have to explain that you haven’t.

It may have started as a patriarchal practice but I doubt that Is the case now.

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2017 08:18

While it's just fascinating to hear about your husband's unoriginal 'jokes', hedless, I can't actually see how it's relevant? What's 'banter' got to do with your belief that women changing their name is 'how it should be'?

Original poster
mulledoverwine · 16/12/2017 08:20

It's interesting that many people think I was being goady. I wasn't.

I'm well aware about feminism being about choice. How much actual choice goes into the majority of women changing their name upon marriage? Yes there is plenty of anecdotal evidence of men changing their name etc but in the vast majority of cases it is the woman who changes their name upon marriage due to "tradition".

Some of you are very mean on this thread! I don't think there is any need for that level of nastiness and personal attack.

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 16/12/2017 08:21

NSEA, yes it is. Of course it is, why do you think otherwise?

Orchid2017 · 16/12/2017 08:24

I agree, it still sends out the message that men are more important. Why can’t men change their names if you all want the same names as the children? In Spain the couple keep their own name and the children are double barrelled. Solves the passport problem.

SoupDragon · 16/12/2017 08:29

Yes, there is a choice. But don't kid yourselves that adopting your husband's name is a free choice.

My choice was a free choice. I'm not kidding myself at all. Tha arrogance of people assuming they know better than I do is astounding.

pigletpie29 · 16/12/2017 08:29

We got a card to Mr and Mrs his name surname and we're not even married!