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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
KichenDancefloor · 14/12/2017 23:14

It really is the very least you can do in this situation. And you should have offered to buy the presents in the first place.

In the kindest way, I think you and your DH need to grow up. The generations and their responsibilities have now shifted.
We get so used to our parents looking after us that it is a shock when we realise that it is our turn to look after the older generation. This is the reality of the situation you are now in and it is a grieving process to accept it.

I saw this as someone with a parent with dementia. It sucks for you all but I guarantee it is worst of all for your FIL

Flippingecktucker · 14/12/2017 23:15

You sound very, erm, self-involved fucking heartless Have a bit of compassion, can't you? Jesus.

Lindy2 · 14/12/2017 23:16

It's a complete non issue in my opinion. I've been doing this for my MIL quite a few years as her health isn't great. It doesn't bother me at all. I can't even see why it possibly would.

TeeniefaeTroon · 14/12/2017 23:16

My grandparents do this as it's easier for them. It takes me two minutes to order something from Amazon that the kids will like but it would be a nightmare for them.

GinandGingerBeer · 14/12/2017 23:17

I’m a bit gobsmacked tbh. My DM has lost her short term memory through PTSD, my step dad looks after her and he’s 76. My dm and step dad called round this evening to collect all their Christmas shopping that I’d done for them, even for people I don’t know let alone my own DC’s. I wrote them a list of who each gift was for and my mum was just so lovely and so very grateful. She told me 3 times she’d not bought mine yet even though dsf assured her she has and has wrapped it, can’t remeber what it is or where shes put it though. She smiled and said it will be as bigger surprise to her as it it is to me.
You sound so cold, I don’t get on with my mil particularly well but I did the same for her when she had a hip replacement near Christmas.

Ceto · 14/12/2017 23:17

He's not doing this because he would find present buying "a little flustering" or that he doesn't want to, and I really don't understand why you jump to those conclusions. It seems to me reasonably clear that he's doing it because yes, he's not used to it and has no idea what to buy; but mainly because his life has turned upside down and he can't cope with flogging round the shops trying to think of something to get all the grandchildren.

LineyRunner · 14/12/2017 23:18

tactum, just shed a tear at that. Flowers

rcit · 14/12/2017 23:18

Reasonable and perfectly usual in the circumstances you describe.

If he is caring for his ill wife, buying presents is going to be the absolute last thing on his mind ever. You should absolutely not feel sad that he doesn’t want to buy presents. It’s just so irrelevant. He probably can’t even consider it.

NovemberWitch · 14/12/2017 23:19

I agree with the general consensus that you are being very self centred. Alzheimer’s and an elderly carer versus having to buy presents for a baby and a 2 year old who aren’t old enough to know wtf is really going on at Christmas. It’s taking the stereotype of ‘ The Universe has a centre, and it is My Children’ and running with it. Where is the compassion, tolerance and support for FIL?

rcit · 14/12/2017 23:20

There must be some backstory here. Did you not get along with PILs before the dementia?

Oysterbabe · 14/12/2017 23:21

My mum loved Christmas and really enjoyed and spent ages shopping and putting together bags of gifts for all of us and her 8 grandchildren. It was a real source of pleasure for her.
She died suddenly a few months ago and we've made it very clear to my dad that no one expects him to fill her shoes. He's lost his wife, the last thing he needs is to be thinking about at Christmas is buying loads of bloody presents. If he wants us to get something for the kids from him then I'll happily do it, anything to make the situation easier for him.
You sound very selfish.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/12/2017 23:25

It’s fine. My husband buys the kids gifts from the in laws. Kids get what they want. In laws gets to have less stress. Everyone’s happy.

suzy2b · 14/12/2017 23:26

i always had money from my mother i bought present but all the presents my children received came from father christmas

SpacePenguin · 14/12/2017 23:27

My MIL does this and she doesn't have any of the problems your FIL has. If we don't give her ideas these days, everyone ends up with vouchers for Christmas and birthdays. Might suit sometimes, but we usually give her ideas for us and buy stuff for kids and pass onto her.

It is frustrating, but we learned after one disastrous Christmas present swap that it was best for everyone.

I think he's made a good decision to ask for your help!

lalalalyra · 14/12/2017 23:28

Did your MIL enjoy buying presents for the grandkids?

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it is doing a job that the person you love most in the world used to do? Not only would he think she was better at it, but how lonely would he be doing it knowing that it should be her.

Especially when his wife is still alive. He's in the cruelest limbo in the world - his wife is gone, but she's not dead so he can't truly grieve.

Cheeseislife · 14/12/2017 23:29

The absolute definition of a snowflake, right here

MrsEricBana · 14/12/2017 23:30

I agree with what everyone else has said but even without his terrible situation, many many older relatives ask their children to choose, buy and wrap the gifts from them for the dgc every single year (like mine) as they have no idea what to buy and it's all too much for them. If you are thinking like this it is clear that you have no understanding whatsoever of his situation.

Cheeseislife · 14/12/2017 23:31

I am actually astonished that while this poor man's life is crumbling around him you're put out he's not thinking about what useless tat to buy your precious children who are too young to even know why they are getting gifts. Incredible

Wigeon · 14/12/2017 23:31

I have several relatives who ask me what the children want for birthdays/Christmas, and I either send them exact Amazon/other retailer links, and they send presents to my house and I wrap the presents, or I buy the thing, wrap it, and they reimburse me. This is relatives without any challenging personal circs. They all feel they don’t know what my DC would like and would rather I chose something they’d definitely like.

I have to say I’ve never felt overly resentful since it’s kind of them to want to give presents at all, and tbh I’d also rather the DC got stuff they’d definitely like.

But in your FIL’s circs there are very clear reason to do what he is asking without resentment.

MouseandChops1 · 14/12/2017 23:32

Honestly, you don't come across as a particularly nice person op.
Think buying his grandchildren a Christmas present is the least of his worries at this time (and he's thoughtfully asking his son to help facilitate this)

blackteasplease · 14/12/2017 23:33

I wondered if this was a made up test to see if we were also so anti male that we would rush to agree with the OP, and cry "wifework"! "emotional labour !" when the poor man is obviously going through he'll.

Good job mumsnet!

tactum · 14/12/2017 23:33

I am actually shaking in anger here at your attitude - i really hope for your kids sake that they never need your emotional or practical support in the years that lie ahead.

Thank fuck my mum has me n my siblings around d to support her through this fucking nightmare and not you - maybe she's going to get payback from all the love and care she showed to us for all these years.

Karma's a bitch and all that ......

paxillin · 14/12/2017 23:33

OP said she got the message.

Flippingecktucker · 14/12/2017 23:34

Actually, OP, I'm done with Mumsnet now. You've demonstrated perfectly the sort of crap i see here on a daily basis. Women with nothing else to do but think shallow, bitchy thoughts and create drama. I give up. There are some wonderful, wise women here too, but seeing threads like this is so dispiriting. Is this really the way people think, the way they view their families? I hope you give some thought to the answers you've had on here OP. I have a feeling, though, that you will brush them off, and carry on.

Pearl87 · 14/12/2017 23:34

YABVVVU. I'm shocked that your husband's mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his response is to be "a little sad" that his father doesn't feel up to personally picking out presents for a toddler and a baby.