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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 14/12/2017 23:02

Also agree it's unimaginable what he must be going through right now, it's a miracle he has even thought of the gc at all and Christmas

cavewoman · 14/12/2017 23:03

Both our sets of parents do this and it only bothers me in that I've got to think of so many presents! But I don't mind the principle of it at all - they really don't know what's best to buy and don't want to waste their money on poor choices - I think your fil will be relieved and I'd be glad he wanted to do this.

Original poster
burntwine · 14/12/2017 23:03

So why call it "wife work" if he asked your H????

Because it was his wife's work.

Sorry about the phrasing.

Anyway, message received! Obviously this was never a major issue, just an idle wondering. But I promise we will never mention it.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 14/12/2017 23:03

DH feels the same as me. We understand well that it's a bit flustering for him to consider presents when he never has before but think it's a little sad he doesn't want to. I stopped for a twix mid post, so didn't see this. I want to amend my post. I think that you and your DH are being incredibly self absorbed. Your poor fil is losing his wife and you think that going to choose Christmas presents for your children is seriously anywhere near the top of his list of priorities? Are you serious or is this some kind of weird reverse?

FrancisCrawford · 14/12/2017 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElBandito · 14/12/2017 23:03

Please help him!

mumontherun14 · 14/12/2017 23:04

My mum has Alzheimer's so we are in a similar position. She always enjoyed choosing and giving presents for the grandchildren. Now she isn't fit so my dad gives all us adult children a gift of cash and then a larger amount for the children and we choose them a present they would like. I am very glad to do that as I know it helps him and they both like to hear about the gifts and see them. Alzheimer's is a cruel illness and makes people and their carers act very differently to the way they did before which can be upsetting. if it helps him out I would do it - pick something nice for them and tell him how much the children liked their gifts x

Beansonapost · 14/12/2017 23:04

I'm going to guess you think he simply can't be arrested to buy presents.... hence the reason you posted on here.

Give the man a break! He's not asking you to take over buying for everyone... just YOUR children 😐.

It's a bit rich expecting someone in this situation to be running around present shopping...

Perhaps you and your H should be more thoughtful.

Greyingmumto3 · 14/12/2017 23:04

We used to buy and wrap presents from my fil . He would then give them to our children who never knew or cared . Why is it a problem for you ?

Beansonapost · 14/12/2017 23:04

Arsed**🙄

Kintan · 14/12/2017 23:05

I am shocked that you would even need to ask if you are being unreasonable. Also this isn’t ‘wife work’ this is your FiL kindly wanting to make sure your children have a gift from their grandparents even when his whole world is crumbling before his eyes. I really hope your DH doesn’t really feel the same as you and was just smiling and nodding at your bizarre response to the sad situation with his parents.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 23:05

Of course it is reasonable behaviour from your Fil. He now has a wife who needs a lot of care. He is making sure your DC's get presents and it would be unthinkable for you to refuse his request.

Blinkingblimey · 14/12/2017 23:05

Ok, haven't read any other responses but - seriously, I get where you're sort of coming from but my Dh's family has been doing this for years...just be grateful they at least want to contribute. And to be fair it's not that different to saying 'what would they like?' - it's just you do the admin.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/12/2017 23:05

Yes definitely, we progressively went from FIL buying the presents, then we would say what they wanted, then we would buy and he would wrap, then towards the end we bought wrapped and handed it to him to give to them. What you could do is take one present that you would have given to them anyway and designate that as their presents, and then put the money in the bank. My dc still remember fondly that FIL gave them roller skates whereas it was us who bought them, wrapped them etc. You know them best and are most likely to get them suitable presents. If possible get him to give it to them (just prompt him what it is).

Think of it as giving your dc a chance to have a positive relationship with them as they age. I didn't always get on with FIL but at least my dc have positive memories of him which is good for them.

PoohBearsHole · 14/12/2017 23:06

Its a really sad situation. Your poor FIL.

When I was born my GM was going through a similar situation. She wanted me to have a gift though and asked my dm to purchase it. I still love that story as she was insistent about what it was that she wanted me to receive. DM complied.

These days, dsis is crap on the internet and can never find a bargain. I bought my dc a present from her as I know what he wants, I had it sent to her and she transferred the money. We did discuss what he wanted and she approved.

My dsis2 phoned me to say she had found perfect thing for her dc did I want to get it? She would buy it and wrap it and in return I would buy and wrap my dc's gift from her. Both the same value so money didn't need to change hands. Yup its not ideal, BUT we are both making each other's lives easier and it is really such a non issue.

In future why don't you suggest that you buy for the other gc and their parents buy for yours? Genuinely, make the poor man's life easier. Involve him in the choice/budget setting etc to keep communicating with him. He's got one of the hardest jobs possible and is probably grieving daily for the woman he loved slipping away. Yet he still remembers your dc. Be grateful for that.

Flupi · 14/12/2017 23:06

You need to grow up. Do you not realise that the stress of buying a present if you’re not used to it and out of the loop is huge? Poor man. Do some research about caring for people with altzeimers and have some empathy.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 14/12/2017 23:07

I just don't see the issue at all. Even if my dad asked me to do it who is well and able I still wouldn't see the issue at all. And infact until he retired and before he got a new partner who is a total shopping addict, after my step mum died. I did all his shopping for him for everyone. Infact from the age of about 13, he'd take me to town I'd choose what I want and he'd wrap it and I'd unwrap it Xmas morning.

There's just far too many threads with people getting stressed about things to do with Christmas, that just isn't necessary.

goodbeans · 14/12/2017 23:09

Have not RTFT so apologies of repeating anyone, but why not set up an Amazon wish list for your DC? Then he could choose something that will be wanted, and even have it arrive wrapped, but with minimal effort on his part?

KurriKurri · 14/12/2017 23:09

Gosh - my Dad had alzheimer's - it is a hideous disease, my Mum looked after him and was completely exhausted all the time, it is stressful and very hard work looking after someone with this illness.
I lived a long way away from my parents so couldn;t be there to help all the time.
But I did whatever I could to make her life easier. I told her not to worry about buying gifts in anyway - neither I nor the children required them, and I certainly wouldn't have expected her to be bothering with gift buying under the circumstances.

Your children are babies - they won't have a clue who anything has come from.
However much he loves his grandchildren your FIL's mind will be totally overwhelmed with his wife's illness at the moment. And it will get worse.

Are the parents of the other grandchildren complaining that he has asked them to choose something for the children, or do they think it is perfectly understandable that toy shopping is not his current priority ?

greenhairymonster · 14/12/2017 23:09

My mother asks us to think of what the kids want, buy it, wrap it, with a note to say it's from the grandparents and she doesn't pay me either. So much for the thought that counts! It's all bullshit anyway.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 23:10

It's not really much different at all from a grandparent asking what they should buy the DGC (what is on their list, what do you want us to get) and then buying it - for children it is really directed giving no matter who buys it/wraps it.

You say yourself that your MIL "has now got to the stage where she can't do it" - that sounds as if she is at the stage where care is becoming more intense, and wandering around the shops to choose gifts is just an impossible task, even if the will to do it was there for your FIl. Consider the logistics - is a shopping trip to choose gifts for small DC something your FIl can manage with your MIL? If not, who looks after her while he goes to get the gifts?

It is absolutely totally fine to feel sad that the situation has changed and your MIL (DH's DM) is unwell and that means you miss how things were, and wish your DC had the sort of grandparent relationship you had hoped and envisaged.

But the gifts are a red herring.

Your FIL is participating in the most important part of the gift exchange, which is that he WANTS to treat his DGC properly and give them gifts they'll like. He just can't do the admin. But you can - be grateful, not sad.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 14/12/2017 23:10

What a melodramatic title...

How difficult is it to "deal with the logistics"? Can you not shop online like everyone else?

I only wish my in-laws would just give us money to buy for our kids, they really have no clue and just end up wasting their money. Your fil seems to want to avoid that!

Do yourself and dh do all shopping 50/50?

5foot5 · 14/12/2017 23:11

Seriously ?

My MIL has dementia and poor old FIL has enough on his plate already looking after her.

We have bought a present for him from MIL, we will get her to help wrap it though no doubt she will forget immediately. That was DDs idea.

MadameJosephine · 14/12/2017 23:13

I do this every year for my parents, my DM is not well and my Ddad is her full time carer so they’ve got too much on their plates already. I buy gifts for DD and they choose a couple to give to her to fit their budget and then give me the money. They get the pleasure of giving her the gift and I get to make sure they don’t waste their money on something she doesn’t need, everyone’s a winner.

In these circumstances I wouldn’t see it as wife work, just what one caring member of the family does to help out another

tactum · 14/12/2017 23:14

As someone whose Mother has dementia I find your 'problem' a whole new level of crazy and your updates just make it worse. You try wiping your own husband's arse and then tell me Christmas presents are important. I have just wiped my own Mum's arse for first time this week and cleared her shit up from the bathroom and frankly you are being absolutely fucking ridiculous and hopefully you will be shamed into realising this.

If my Dad was still here to support my Mum through the most terrifying, bewildering journey she is ever going to go on - which by the way will only end in death - is there any fucking way I would be asking him to buy his own Christmas presents for my kids...............errrrr no

Think you need to do a bit of googling about dementia support....