Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
tellitlikeitispls · 15/12/2017 15:15

I don't see any problem at all. You are being ridiculous.

Lethaldrizzle · 15/12/2017 15:21

In this scenario of course you should help out. In general though I think people should buy their own presents.

Thisnamechanger · 15/12/2017 15:21

I know it's been unanimously covered but yes OP, you are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.

Thinking back to the years my Dad spent desperately trying to care for my appallingly ill Mum in the years up to her death...

If my SIL got the arse that he'd asked them to pick a gift for the DC and he cover the cost.... I would literally never speak to her again.

Shame on you.

Thissameearth · 15/12/2017 15:22

My gran (note a woman no less!) does this - she has no illness. Simply she's inher 70s, it's a hassle and she doesn't know what they want and it means she has easier life and they get something they want thus no waste. I think it's bloody nice of her to pass money for gift at all. I can't believe you're commenting on this at all particularly in awful circs he is in.

Thissameearth · 15/12/2017 15:24

Wow missed the final line about you being "sad" he doesn't want to buy something himself. Fucking hell.

Fishface77 · 15/12/2017 15:32

And, you know, even if he asked you for an occasional hand, would it hurt?? You family ffs!
I hope your actually a GF or troll because I hate to think that people like you actually exist.

whoputthecatout · 15/12/2017 15:34

OP has reappeard for a long time. I'd like to think she is cringing in shame in a corner somewhere.

putdownyourphone · 15/12/2017 15:39

He’s not transferring his wife work, he’s asking for help with something he hasn’t got experience in dealing with and that would be absolutely no bother or inconvenience for you to do. You are massively overthinking this and you sound like a PITA

ihavetogoshoppingnow · 15/12/2017 15:40

I buy presents from my elderly relatives for DC and they send the money. They don’t get out much and even if they did they wouldn’t have a clue what to get. At least this way you know your kids will like what they get. It must be very hard for him bless him is she still living at home?

Mossend · 15/12/2017 16:35

I think I'd go along with this for your FIL's sake.

You know exactly what they would like/need so can get something they like from their GP's and due to the situation it is probably less hassle for you to buy it than for your FIL.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/12/2017 16:37

Jesus - the term wife Work is valid but in this case .... Yabu help the poor fellow

MissionItsPossible · 15/12/2017 16:48

I don't normally join in on pile-on threads but you 100% percent deserve all the replies you are getting accusing you and your partner of being inconsiderate, spiteful and nasty. Both of you are all three. In your other posts you come across as completely unrepentant. I am hoping that this is a clever troll post as I find it incredibly unbelievable that you would begrudge someone in this situation.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. You should both be thoroughly ashamed although if this is a fake thread you're probably tittering over the drama you've created and if it's not, you're so self-absorbed you think that everyone calling you out on this is wrong and being mean. Vile.

kazillionaire · 15/12/2017 17:01

Maybe he would prefer to spend his time with his wife rather than trotting around the shops wondering what toys he could buy which your children don't already own? I find it totally unreasonable to expect him to go out doing this, just buy the toys

sayhellotothelittlefella · 15/12/2017 17:05

We've done this with my parents for years. I go out of my way to keep it a secret ( sneaking the bags to them and even using different wrapping paper ) so that the children still think my mum bought their gifts. It's definitely an extra pressure I could do without but it makes things easier for her. Also it means they get something they like. My children always moan about the presents from their other grandparents

shhhfastasleep · 15/12/2017 17:08

I always did this for my late mum. Why wouldn't you want to take this burden off him. His world is falling apart.

ohtheholidays · 15/12/2017 17:08

I did the same as soon as my parents became to ill to sort out presents for Christmas,my Mum always loved Christmas and she had bought everyone's presents but then when she got iller my Dad took over but with his health he struggled so I took over for them(they asked me to)I bought the presents from them for my 5DC,for my DH,for my Brothers and they're partners,for my Brothers children(13 of them)for my Mum's and Dad's brothers/Sisters/Brothers-in-law and Sisters-in-law(my aunts and uncles)and for they're nephews and nieces and great newphews and nieces(my cousins and second cousins)and the presents they'd get for each other.

I didn't only shop for the presents for them I had to pick the presents for them and I'd help wrap them,the only person they bought for was me,none of the family apart from my DH and our 5DC knew that I was the one doing all of the Christmas shopping and wrapping for them and they still don't know now.

I'm ill and disabled myself and I was when I was doing all of my Mum and Dad's Christmas shopping but I would never begrudge them that help,I lost my Mum 3 years ago and my Dad a few months ago so it's my first Christmas without them both and I'd give anything to be able to drag around the shops doing they're Christmas shopping for them again.

Rachie1973 · 15/12/2017 17:26

My MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2012. She came home to die in Oct of that year. It became apparent, very quickly that my FIL wouldn't cope on his own. Because of my experience (workwise) I moved in with my youngest, leaving my DH with the other kids to sleep at home because of space, and the idea of bringing loads of kids into the environment was unwise. We did our best and when she passed in the Dec we were there.

She and my FIL had a 'traditional marriage' by the standards of their era. He worked and did the garden and DIY etc, she cooked, cleaned and did the 'family' stuff like buying presents.

After she died, he tried to learn to care for himself. He tried really hard! He did master cooking lol, and by god he was good at it, we were pleasantly surprised. Cleaning and shopping were not so kind to him though, so I did both. It wasn't a chore because I loved him. I wanted to make his life easier. The Xmas present shopping was as you described it from the start of being on his own.

Sadly we lost him last summer as well, but I'd give anything to have him say 'I've transferred the kids xmas money, can you sort it for me?'

notsohippychick · 15/12/2017 17:50

I’ve never read such an awful thread. Jesus OP, what the hell is wrong with you??????

Your attitude is terrible. I suggest after you’ve read this thread, which I see is unanimous, learn how to be kind and start thinking of others.

It’s two bloody presents!!!!!

Honestly, I’m appalled.

notsohippychick · 15/12/2017 17:53

Rachie. You sound absolutely lovely and your family are lucky to have you. Xxxxxx

Rachie1973 · 15/12/2017 22:14

notsohippychick
Rachie. You sound absolutely lovely and your family are lucky to have you. Xxxxxx

Awww thanks. They were easy to love.

Tangfastics · 17/12/2017 14:25

I’ve never read such a thoroughly depressing and horrible thread.

But I’m trying to take the positive out of it and my positive is I’ve found about 20 new people to send Christmas cards to!

Because I know it’s a tiny gesture but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice.

shhhfastasleep · 18/12/2017 21:45

Good point Tang. It's giving me the kick up the arse I need to send cards. A family bereavement had left me feeling like there was no point. The f course there's a bloody point.

NetRunner · 18/12/2017 21:52

Not RTFT but had to comment on this one as my heart goes out to your poor FIL. Your children and their Christmas presents are not the centre of the universe. Your FIL is going through a horrific time and the priority of both you and your DH should be thinking about how you can help them both get through Christmas and ongoing, not what he gets them for Christmas! In this situation, it would be totally reasonable for him to not want to think about presents at all, but he has. Wish I could give your FIL a big hug.

NetRunner · 18/12/2017 21:54

Just seen how young your children are too, OP - not that it makes a difference but ffs, they won't be any the wiser. This is an awful, awful thread. I hope it isn't real.

GogoGobo · 18/12/2017 22:54

OP are you my SIL?
Yab soooooo U

Swipe left for the next trending thread