FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

[burntwine]

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

This has happened to my parents and my Dad wouldn't have a clue what to do so my sisters and I have taken over those sorts of things. Usually I do one big shop for/with Mum and make sure each grandchild has a gift they would like then sit with Dad and do the cards with money for the older grandkids, just to help make sure no-one is forgotten etc.

It really helps take the load off him and to be honest the grandkids don't give a shit who picked it as long as it's a gift from grandparents.

What mybrilliant says plus you are being incredibly selfish.

Ha, my df has no caring responsibilities and i am still getting kids presents and my present and he is reimbursing us! Kids get exactly what they need, I get something I really want but wouldn’t buy myself and he gets minimum hassle.

Plus they’re all quite small things and I’m getting them on sale, why would I waste his pensioner money?! He wants to get us presents, I want him to have as easy a life as possible, because I love him.

Just having a little think back to my FIL's wife's birthday last year. He was very confused and ill, end stage lung cancer. My DH bought a gift (just a nice bunch of flowers) for his wife, from FIL. He also got him to "sign" a card to go with them. He had no bloody idea that the flowers were from him, no bloody idea really it was his wife's birthday.

My DH doesn't especially get on with his DF's wife. In fact, now FIL is dead, they don't speak. But it was just a small bit of human kindness.

If your DH loves his DPs, he should be doing as much as possible to help.

Yabvu
Plus I detest the term 'wife work'

A bit sad that he doesn't want to buy presents for your dc?

The mans whole world has been turned upside down ffs! I actually can't believe what I am reading. You and your DH need to get the hell over yourselves quite frankly. It's not about you or your dc, it's about your poor FIL who is doubtless heartbroken and having his pain magnified by the fact it is Christmas.

In your shoes I would happily buy his presents every year until/if he stopped asking. Yabvvvvvvu.

I missed this part:

it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion.

You're talking about buying presents for a baby and a toddler! How complex can the logistics possibly be? Even if you aren't planning to go near a brick-and-mortar shop before Christmas (which I doubt), you can just buy something online in a matter of minutes. And the comment about how him paying for it "doesn't make a lot of difference" sounds very ungrateful.

FWIW, DH feels the same as me. We understand well that it's a bit flustering for him to consider presents when he never has before but think it's a little sad he doesn't want to. But you're right, it's an easy way to help out a little (not to imply that we are not helping otherwise because we are!)

Your dh and you are well met. That a man could see his mother descend into Alzheimers, watch his father deal with it (and presumably deal with his own aging issues and fears too) and that his reaction is "how sad he won't pick out a present for my toddler" is gob-smackingly awful. I don't really care if I am piling in on this OP (who doesn't get the message at all judging from her last posts) - this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager.

Give him a break, poor man is facing the long goodbye...he is grieving already. Have a heart

A thousand times this.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not

Then seriously, you need to recalibrate your barometer of kindness and human empathy.

The title of the thread sucks as well. I honestly think this is one of the most depressing threads I've read in ages on MN.

my mum is only 70 and in good health. She has just transferred £25 per child into my a/c and asked me to buy. I have no problem with that.

x-post with pallisers

Reading your title, I thought you were talking about having to do his cleaning/shopping/cooking etc.
YABU. If he always saw the joy and love his wife put into presents then maybe it is too hard to get them. Maybe he does genuinely see it as woman's work so he can't do it, but he's got a lot going on and is feeling that it's win win, he pays, you get them something they like.

Yes, this sounds like a good idea on his part. I would thank him very much and ask him how much he would like to spend.

Sorry is this a joke? How is this your main concern when FIL wife is ill? It's such a small ask to make his life easier and their only babies. I'm glad you get the message but seriously you should be ashamed for asking in the first place but I'm struggling to actually believe this because no one can be this heartless. Reiterate previous points of this being one of the post depressing AIBU posts I've read.

I cannot see that the OP has 'got the message' to be honest. She's agreed not to mention it further. Not the same thing at all.

If this real (and I hope for that poor man's sake it isn't), I don't believe anyone could be callous enough to type that particular OP and do a complete about-face THAT quickly.

YABU. Sorry. Men of his generation were, in general, not the ones who bought little presents for babies and toddlers and he is just being practical at a time when his life has imploded with one of the cruellest illnesses there is hitting your poor MIL. He will pay you back - and I am sure when you choose something appropriate for them he will be delighted with that. I honestly don't think me put the same value on little gifts for kids that we do. I am sure your kids will be a hug comfort to all the family at this dreadful time for you all. The kids won't know or care who bought the gift - you will know exactly what is perfect for them at this state of their lives too. Be kind to him - this is a terrible time for all of you and he would not be thinking for one moment that you will be upset by this.

I'm not going to come down hard on you, OP, as I think you may not fully understand how Alzheimers is going to affect your poor mil and her husband. This disease will affect her physically as well as mentally. Their whole world will have fallen apart, with the diagnosis. No matter what age they are, they will have had plans for the future, including buying presents for their grandchildren. Their future hopes and dreams have just been ripped away from them. Can you imagine what that's like? Your whole world and your place in it has been completely changed and you face the rest of your time with the person you love failing before your eyes, with the knowledge that you will eventually have to stand at their grave, while they are lowered into it. You will then spend the next few years being defined as a widow/widower and waiting to join the person you love.

Regarding the gifts. It's really not that different from your mil asking you what your children would like and then she gets it, OP, except it's your fil and its just that you have to get them on his behalf.

When my darling husband was dieing in the hospice he was crying because he wasn't able to buy me a birthday present. My dear children, at my request, went out and bought a gift and a card and helped him sign it. He was so pleased to be able to give that gift to me. That's what your poor fil is trying to do for your mil.

My 3 young DC don't have any grandparents.
You sound very selfish to even wonder why your poor FIL hasn't got the energy to choose gifts for your children - who are too young to even understand Christmas.
Why don't you take your head out of your bum and look at the world around you? What you'll find, if you follow my suggestion, is that THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
As pp have said, your FIL is losing his wife and his life as he knows it - why don't you think about how you could support him and your MIL rather than worry that your 0 and 3 year old won't have presents 'specially chosen' by their grandparents who are facing the end of their known world.
In short - stop being so bloody selfish and think about what your FIL and MIL are going through. Your DC have many Christmas' ahead.

Good heavens, OP! I was expecting that your FIL was asking you to handwash his underpants or something! What a ridiculous and self-indulgent title you chose for this thread, which is actually nothing to do with "wife work" at all, but is about a stressed elderly man with a sick wife, wishing to buy a few presents for his grandchildren but not knowing what on earth to get them.

Needless to say, I think YABVU indeed!

Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old)

Give your head a wobble OP. Your kids are too young to communicate a Christmas list and you're sad that FIL needs help in buying suitable presents?!

Boo fucking hoo. Buy the 2 year old a pan and a spoon. Buy the baby the same. Count how many shits they give. Zero.

Joy to the world. Peace and love. Your poor FIL.

He is thinking "I dont know what to get for the GC's, my wife would always know what to get." which is another heart breaking reminder of what has been taken by that horrible illness. So then he thinks "My son will know, and his wife, I will ask them to get it so the kids have something they want, I dont want to get it wrong"

By asking you he is showing that he cares about his grandchildren and wants them to be happy.

Who cares about presents anyway? It's not what Xmas is about. Poor poor man :(

Sometimes I come across posts that make me wonder what the hell is wrong with world and this is one of them

My dad used to ask me to get something for my mum when he started to become less able. He always had an idea - a new watch or some perfume. That sort of thing but he liked me to go and get it for him as he trusted my judgement. I felt it was a privilege to do it for him.
I would never have thought that he didn't care enough to go shopping himself.

The thread title is completely misleading and I suspect you knew that. This is NOT what is meant by wife work at all!

Frankly what SHOULD have happened is you and dh saying to fil before it was even an issue "don't worry we'll sort it all out" but actually WAY before that "what more can we do to help" because to be perfectly honest as you clearly view this as SUCH an inconvenience I dread to think how little support and practical help he is getting from his SON, because if your dh was as involved in supporting his parents as he should be he'd have ALREADY KNOWN this would be too much for his father to manage. I'd also lay odds as his father is older too HIS health probably isn't the best either plus everything is harder as we get older, I'm only 45 and my friends my age and I are constantly bemoaning how we have less energy and take longer to recover from bugs etc.

What IS dh doing to support his parents?

As another who has worked in this sector nursing people with Alzheimer's and other causes of dementia and altered personalities and behaviour I have seen time after time families who do the bare minimum to salve their conscience and no more leaving one family member doing almost everything to the point of THEIR health breaking down (physical and mental). Or else their ill relative is in a home (nothing wrong with that it's tough caring for sick people) lucky to see them from one month to the next.

My gran had Alzheimer's and as a family we developed a rota to care for her so that she was never alone, and that nobody had the burden of being the person it all fell to. Even my uncle who lives in Australia came over whenever he could "on holiday" and stayed with her and his stays meant those of us living nearer got a proper break for a week or two (but still visited). After she passed he in particular was so happy he'd been able to do that.

Get your head out your backside tell dh to do the same if he really is in agreement and provide some real support to this poor couple.