FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

[burntwine]

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

Cut the poor guy some slack. What a horrible situation for him.

Oh my goodness you should be incredibly grateful that he is even thinking of Christmas presents. Frankly In this situation it wouldn’t be unreasonable if they didn’t get anything.

Wow - just wow. Grow up.

YABVU

Have a bit of compassion for the poor man.

Every parent i know has done this more than once even without the extenuating circumstances.

Yeah I agree with everyone else that YABU.

Not the same situation but I grew up with my parents and siblings in a city far away from my DM's family, and my DF's family live abroad and don't celebrate Christmas. We would often go on or around Christmas to DM's family and get our presents, but some years this was not possible for various reasons and those occasions my DGM & DGD as well as aunt & uncle and other great aunts/uncles would send DM cash or cheque and she would then buy our presents and wrap them on their behalf so we could have something to unrap. When we got older she would just give us the cash. But I don't think it's unusual for people who live far away from their families anyway, I think you're just not used to it so you think it's weird.

UABU!!! With everything he's dealing who cares about Christmas presents!

If it bothers you then delegate the gift buying and wrapping to your DH, his father, his responsibility

Kids don't care

Your poor FIL. He must not know where to turn , I think you can easily do this and help the poor man out , it seems to be the kindest thing for him .

Poor FIL. Sorry OP, You should do this, no questions.

*dealing with

I think it is lovely of your FIL to think of his DGC at this very difficult time. Please try to support him as much as you can and have a lovely Christmas with your family

Is he caring for MIL? If he is caring for her, I would understand him not being able to take over the gift buying as it is all consuming.

My dad is in his late 60s and has taken over buying for 13 grandchildren after sadly losing my DSM a couple of years ago so not all older men are incapable.

Yabvu. I don't have anything else to add that others haven't said.

I think you are utterly unreasonable to call this "wife work" which is just another fucking buzz work that has been introduced.

My mum died last year and I have no hesitation in helping my dad out with tasks that he never used to do so that he still feels like he is giving presents to my children. I generally buy most thing for him, he will repay me then I give them to him for wrapping (that he usually gets someone else to do)!

Have a heart

We are doing it! And without comment. He asked his son, not me, so I suppose DH will take care of it.
FWIW, DH feels the same as me. We understand well that it's a bit flustering for him to consider presents when he never has before but think it's a little sad he doesn't want to. But you're right, it's an easy way to help out a little (not to imply that we are not helping otherwise because we are!).

Is this for real? If this is the only problem you face, you are very lucky. He is going through a hard time. You are being selfish.

So why call it "wife work" if he asked your H????

My Mum has dementia, it changes everything.

My sister and I discuss what Mum would have normally chosen for the family and the adults write her thank you letters for the imaginary gifts.
It would be a complete charade to actually buy from her and Mum probably needs all her money for her care.
My sister then asks the children in the family what they would like and buys on line for them.
We send Mum pictures of the children with the gifts.
It's heartbreaking but please try and support him at a difficult time.

Don’t be a dick.

Wow, I can't believe you even asked. Poor guy. I would do it and anything else he asks to support him.

Be prepared to do this forever now. My poor grandfather crumbled after my grandmother died, lots of men do, and was completely unable to look after himself properly. Please try to show some empathy.

My own DM, with no food reason other than she cannot be bothered, gives me a wad of notes and tells me to go buy for my family, that it me and DP, all of our DC and our DGD! I take pleasure in buying for people I care for, it seems DM does not. I took the money she gave me for DGD and bought a much needed swim vest, which she is using already. Nobody cares!

I do think with your FIL, you have to cut him a lot of slack, he is going through bereavement of sorts, having lost the capable wife he has known for years. This is such a little thing to do to make his clearly hard life a bit easier, it is kinder to do it than not. Actually, I think it would be unkind to not do it or moan about it. At least he is remembering to ask you to do it and not forgetting about it altogether, which would be understandable.

What a shitty title to use. You sound really mean. Even though you say you're now going to do it you sound very grudging. Poor man.

As DH will do it, it is no longer being done by a woman (MIL), so that's a win for wife work.

My mum asks me buy the DC presents from her. I do it (even if I find it a little annoying!) because I love her and I know it makes things easier for her.

Christmas threads on here are full of people giving family lists of things their DC might like - you're not doing much more for your FIL than others do for parents who haven't got as much on their plates as your FIL does.

I think FIL has more than enough on his plate in taking care of MIL. You’re very lucky he even thought of gifts for your children given the circumstances.