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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
sodabreadjam · 14/12/2017 22:51

I rarely ever join in with AIBU threads but I would have to say you are being very unreasonable.

Your poor in laws are going through hell and all you can think about is who chooses the Christmas presents for your DCs.

You should be thinking about how you can help him, not criticising him for something like this.

Put yourself in his shoes and see if you can discover some empathy.

TheVanguardSix · 14/12/2017 22:52

You're being pedantic.

itssunnybehindtheclouds · 14/12/2017 22:52

The thing is he does want to buy his grandchildren presents otherwise he wouldn't be asking for your help. This has nothing to do with 'wife work' and all to do with helping someone in a difficult situation. It's not sad that he doesn't want to buy the kids presents (he does), it's sad that he is caring for his wife with a terrible illness. And of course sad for you that someone you love (or at least your DH does I assume) is losing capability. It's such a huge adjustment for the whole family, I actually wonder if your feelings of sadness are displaced and focused on the presents wrongly. I hope that sounds kindly, I don't mean it to sound that as if you've chosen to get upset about the wrong thing.

StealthNinjaMum · 14/12/2017 22:53

Hmm you are sounding worse with every post.

Dh feels the same as me

you two sound well suited.

It's a little sad that he doesn't want to

Because it's not as if he has anything else going on in his life is it? Oh wait.....

Come on, buying gifts for children when you're old isn't easy. I am only in my 40s and I have no idea what the latest trends are. Perhaps he has asked because he wants to get it right?

JaneEyre70 · 14/12/2017 22:53

I actually read this post twice to make sure I'd read it right the first time...... I worked in care for many years, and an 8 hr shift with a dementia patient often had me so physically and mentally so drained I could barely drive home. Imagine living with it. He has remembered your children, realised you will already be buying gifts and has asked you to get one on their behalf. This post says far more about you OP than your FIL Hmm.

Sn0tnose · 14/12/2017 22:53

Bloody hell Burnt, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but your FIL is dealing with his wife becoming an empty shell, losing all sense of herself and presumably getting to the stage where she's losing any sense of who he is too. I would guess he'll be grieving for what is essentially the loss of his marriage as well as potentially the reality of becoming a full time carer for a woman who may not always recognise him.

I think he's doing extremely well to even think about Christmas presents for numerous grandchildren and you are being perhaps a little demanding to want him to choose the presents personally, with everything else he's going through right now. He's not asking you to don a pinny and go round to do his dusting for him. He's asking you and his son to take some of the pressure from him and help him out. It should be about coming together as a family to help each other, rather than being put out because he hasn't got the time/strength/energy to find out what your DC would like and go and choosing something appropriate.

An alternative would be if you and your DH agreed that one of you would care for your mil for the day while the other takes him Christmas shopping.

Mxyzptlk · 14/12/2017 22:53

Everyone moans about choosing gifts. Its not an easy thing to do, especially as he has a number of DGC. Your FiL is struggling with a lot and doesn't need this extra task.
YABVU, everyone on here says so.

CoffeeAndCakeEssentials · 14/12/2017 22:54

YANVU. He's got a lot to deal with and if he's never bought for children before he probably wouldn't know where to start. Enjoy shopping for your DC and getting them a present they (and you!) want.

CoffeeAndCakeEssentials · 14/12/2017 22:54

YABVU*

JustHereForThePooStories · 14/12/2017 22:55

This is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read.

My FIL is in the same position. He’s lost his wife, friend, and marriage. I can’t grt my head around how utterly selfish, shallow, and unreasonable you are.

LineyRunner · 14/12/2017 22:55

I think it's very very weird that you are completely misappropriating the term 'wife work' like this.

Man asks man to do something, with a kind motive, whilst bloody difficult situation in place for family.

Don't really get what your agenda is here.

Fffion · 14/12/2017 22:55

Blue jobs/pink jobs.

becotide · 14/12/2017 22:55

This isn't wifework transference, this is a man who is not waving, but drowning.

Jesus

DO you dislike him for a reason?

paxillin · 14/12/2017 22:56

Have you ever looked after someone with dementia? I have. Help him any way you can.

Be3Al2SiO36 · 14/12/2017 22:56

You come across as being U but I suspect you probably aren't.

This situation is difficult all round. Life evolves, changes and the magic of Christmas evaporates in many ways over time. More and more people become absent from our traditions, and it takes a bit of getting used to. How is your DH in this, watching his parents grow old and not the persons they used to be.

As we approach Christmas, we should all remember a bit of compassion goes a long way. There are some very un-Christmassy snide comments on here.

scrabbler3 · 14/12/2017 22:57

I'm sorry about your MiL. I hope she can obtain some enjoyment from Christmas.

I think that FiL needs your help and it's not too much to ask.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 14/12/2017 22:57

I think it's an excellent idea! So clear and open not the minefield I am transgressing.

Charolais · 14/12/2017 22:57

Back off him for fuck's sake. What the hell is wrong with you? Life as he knew it will never be the same and he is depressed. One day you will understand.

ZigZagandDustin · 14/12/2017 22:58

That is fine I think. Him telling your DH to send you over because the floors need a hoover would be a different matter.

paxillin · 14/12/2017 22:58

FWIW, DH feels the same as me. We understand well that it's a bit flustering for him

That's just callous. Does FIL have other family around?

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 14/12/2017 22:58

Of course yabu I didn't even realise this would be an issue for someone. To YOUR CHILD it's still a present they will like from their grandparents. Why does it matter if you know it was you that chose it or indeed even the child if it was on their list.

In your case I'd be doing everything I could to assist my in-laws and make life easier for them and this just wouldn't be an issue at all.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2017 22:58

Lordy, you sound like a fucking princess

I am as feminist as they come but you could do this thing without pulling your kite about it

Lanaorana2 · 14/12/2017 22:59

Have you any idea what it's like caring for a dementia patient?

Be very, very grateful you don't.

Hang on tho' - if you're so keen on emotional connection why don't you take MIL for Xmas?

Yep, thought not. Because that really would be families doing their bit.

desperatelyseekingcruising · 14/12/2017 23:00

Is this a serious question? Give the poor bloke a bloody break already will ya....give your head a wobble!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/12/2017 23:02

I thought you were going to say he was getting you to do his washing or something.
As anyone who's done it will know, looking after someone with Alzheimer's can be, and very often is, an exhausting and highly stressful nightmare. I don't think your poor FiL is being remotely U to ask.