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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 15/12/2017 05:45

I think that you should have thought twice before posting this.

It may well be the case that he's never bought a present in his life, but even if that were the case it's nothing to the fact that

a) He wants your children to have something they want
b) He's got a massive amount on his plate
c) Your children are tiny

I wonder, though if this is some GF posting to make feminists look bad, because surely no-one is this self-centred?

NotAgainYoda · 15/12/2017 05:50

ShegotBetteDavisEyes

I agree

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 15/12/2017 05:50

Poor FIL. You said the diagnosis was a few years ago so he's been struggling with the decline of his wife for some time and you are put out about him wanting to give you money to buy your children presents now. No compassion or empathy from you or husband by the sounds of it, for one of the cruelest diseases there is. I hope your FIL has other family members to support him.

DeadButDelicious · 15/12/2017 05:53

We have a family member who is suffering with dementia. He is no longer the person he was. He no longer knows himself or us and is just a shell at the point. It's heartbreaking. Grieving for someone who's still alive is an awful feeling.

Cut your FIL some slack.

peanut2017 · 15/12/2017 05:57

I would normally say he can feck off and get the presents himself but under the circumstances I think you just get them the presents. At least you will pick something they want / need.

Nanna50 · 15/12/2017 06:00

Oh just read the post where your DH feels the same so he doesn't need your empathy. I hope the parents of his other grandchildren are not as self absorbed as you both are.

At first I thought your posts were not genuine, but perhaps that's because I don't want to believe they are, as they are so selfish.

SunshineTheMonkey · 15/12/2017 06:24

You sound really selfish, actually this is one of the most thoughtless things I've read on here in ages. You feel a "little sad that he's not doing it" FFS.

Poor man.

scaryteacher · 15/12/2017 06:26

I've been sorting ds's and Dh's presents from my Mum for years as she doesn't shop online. Moreover, I know what they like, and as we are in different countries, it is just easier to do for me and her. She doesn't have Alzheimer's, she's just getting older, and this is something I can do to help her out.

Having worked as a teenager and when I was 20 on a psycho geriatric ward in an old mental hospital, I know that Alzheimer's is a cruel disease, and my fil had it too. I wiped his rear end, changed his incontinence pants, showered him, dressed him, and looked after him when mil was in hospital a couple of times in my 40s. It was tiring.....so cut your fil some slack OP. I'm surprised he's even thinking about Christmas!

Splinterz · 15/12/2017 06:34

This tread reminds me of one I started the other day.

The phrase 'call if I can help' which actually means 'I shall pay some lip service and make appropriate noises to salvage my conscience' .

People are given a task and either complain about it or refuse to do it despite knowing that it would be amazingly helpful to the person who is struggling.

OPs like this are just so indicative of what a dreadful selfish culture we have become. There is absolutely no semblance of wider family. I'd go so far as to say our entire society - if MN is typical - is completely dysfunctional.

wtffgs · 15/12/2017 06:35

I wonder, though if this is some GF posting to make feminists look bad, because surely no-one is this self-centred?

This

yousignup · 15/12/2017 06:37

Poor man and poor MIL. Please try to be kinder.

Believeitornot · 15/12/2017 06:39

DH feels the same as me. We understand well that it's a bit flustering for him to consider presents when he never has before but think it's a little sad he doesn't want to

Shock it’s a bit “flustering” HmmShock

As for your dh..... this is his father???

Jesus wept.

spidey66 · 15/12/2017 06:41

My grandparents always gave my parents money to buy Christmas presents from them, as they weren't sure what we were 'into.' And this was about 25 years before my Nan was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Sorry OP your FIL has enough on his plate. Alzheimer's is a horrible illness and your MIL will need care and support round the clock.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 15/12/2017 06:44

Wow! I am amazed you even need to ask the question!

Yur FIL is living a nightmare watching his wife deteriorate knowing he will eventually lose her, the life they have together and everything will change for him, and you think he's being unreasonable for asking you to buy a present on his behalf because it's a job his wife has always done.

You are being very self centred and close minded. This isn't about him not wanting to put in the effort to choose presents for your children, this is about him never having to do this task before and at the moment it is the least of his worries!

There are many grandparents who routinely do this because they would rather give money so a present the children want can be bought.

YABVU

HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/12/2017 06:45

What I don't understand (quite apart from the fact that you could even think what you've posted here) is that you were evidently perfectly happy for MIL to do the 'wife work' when it suited you.

How incredibly inflated a sense of self-importance do you need to have to believe that your FIL's most urgent task now is to go out and buy presents for a baby and a 2yo, and to assume that something is lacking in his love (i.e. something for you to 'feel sad' over) because of it?

beepbeeprichie · 15/12/2017 06:46

A bit flustered?
You're just wondering?
Jesus fucking Christ. I hope you're never in a position to watch someone you love disappear, leaving only the outer shell and often creating challenging and unpleasant behaviour that you struggle to support.
I'm not a poster who insults or bays for blood on threads but OP you come across as highly unpleasant.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 15/12/2017 06:47

My DM has dementia. It's the worst f*ing thing in the world. She loved Christmas. She loved buying presents for her grandchildren. This year i will buy her presents for my DC. And it bloody well breaks my heart. If you haven't got the message yet YABU.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/12/2017 06:47

And your phrasing - you categorise present-buying as 'wife work' - if you know it's work, why on earth would you want to pile more work onto your FIL at this time in his life?

EmilyChambers79 · 15/12/2017 06:49

We're going along with it for this year anyway

That's very noble of you Hmm

I think you need to get over yourself. You don't even have the right to be hard done by. Your MiL is only going to get worse and it's the most horrific illness.

Just buy the bloody presents to help. Or even better, tell him not to bother as he doesn't need to worry about things like this right now, which he doesn't.

And to all the posters saying it's ok, we thought he's asked you to do his washing or housework, again so what if he did?!

People are so unbelievably selfish at times. Is it really so bad to do the housework of someone who is caring for their ill spouse? Is it too much hardship to stick a load of washing on? To bung a few extra things in your shopping basket?

Being a carer for a relative is hard. I took on part time caring for my Dad, I did evenings, my Stepmom did days and my other siblings swanned around and did wonderful displays of public grief. They felt looking after him wasn't their responsibility as his child.

I emptied his bag, I wiped his bottom, I gave him his morphine regularly through the night, I held his hand while he cried in pain, I rubbed cream into his dry, tearing skin and I fed him. I also held his hand and told him it was ok and to go when he was ready and I sat with him as he took his final breaths.

And I didn't buy one sodding Christmas present that year as I couldn't cope with that.

Even after that exhausting 18 months, I still feel grateful he didn't have Alzheimer's as I think I would have struggled. My old Managers Mom has it and she gets progressively worse each day and has been like this for 4 years but is in otherwise good health.

So yes, you are being massively unreasonable but I bet your still offended at being asked.

LannieDuck · 15/12/2017 06:51

My grandparents used to do this for both birthday and Christmas.

When i was old enough to understand, my parents told me that they were buying a small present from GPs (so I had something to open from them), and putting the rest in my bank account. When I got a bit older still, they just put the whole lot in my bank account. By the time i got to university and started to care about savings etc, it had added up to over £1000.

My kids (4 and 7) get so many presents that it wouldn't hurt at all if some relatives decided to just give them a token gift and then some cash. I'd actually welcome it - the kids don't need more toys, but starting a savings account when you're so young is a great idea.

kaytee87 · 15/12/2017 06:51

Wow yabvvvu

rwalker · 15/12/2017 06:52

omg your post made so sad I watch my mum cope with looking after my dad with dementia her life is hell. The strain is unbelievable he's asking for help so nice of you to "go along with it this year" I'am lost for word at how selfish this post is .

Fintress · 15/12/2017 06:55

YABVU! My poor MiL has Alzheimer’s and the last thing my FiL would be able to do is shop for presents of any kind as she is barely able to be left on her own for any length of time. Have some compassion for god’s sake.

Betsy86 · 15/12/2017 06:55

**Your dh and you are well met. That a man could see his mother descend into Alzheimers, watch his father deal with it (and presumably deal with his own aging issues and fears too) and that his reaction is "how sad he won't pick out a present for my toddler" is gob-smackingly awful. I don't really care if I am piling in on this OP (who doesn't get the message at all judging from her last posts) - this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager.

Well said!!

Op your post is absolutely selfish and im embarrassed for you that you even wrote it. Grow up op there are bigger problems happening in your family than who actively choses a gift!!

Xmasbaby11 · 15/12/2017 06:56

Yabu. Regardless of illness, it's normal to buy presents on behalf of elderly relatives when they wouldn't know what to buy.

Really, do what you can to help your fil. He's going through hell.

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