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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Dermymc · 15/12/2017 06:58

WOW
This is one of the most self centred posts I have ever seen on here.

"wifework" give over! Your FIL has enough on his plate, he is caring for his ill wife. Shock horror he doesn't have the time, inclination, experience or confidence to buy a present. Instead he has asked the people who know the children best to sort it for him.

I bet if he bought something you didn't like/want you'd be in here bitching about him after Christmas. Poor man.

Fintress · 15/12/2017 07:03

As another poster said, educate yourself. It would appear that you have absolutely no idea how much hell your poor FiL is going through and it is just going to get a whole lot worse, believe me. You sound heartless and selfish.

SerialGoogler · 15/12/2017 07:03

My parents are elderly but of sound mind and we've had this arrangement since my boys were small. There's a budget and I either send them a link or buy and send the gift to their address. I usually give them a couple of options so they can choose something that's representative of 'them' and everyone is happy.
Modern kids are nothing like they were in their time or, frankly, even in mine. So buying presents can be a minefield. Plus, it's something I can do for them as I don't live close enough to be more practical help.
Aside from the astonishing lack of compassion, you are being incredibly PFB - with both your children. They won't have a clue it's Christmas at all! They'll see pretty lights and parrot 'Father Christmas' back at you but that's the extent of it.
What are you planning to give to your FIL? Something meaningful, something that will add to his quality of life? Something that shows you understand what he's going through and that you care for and love him? That's what I would concentrating on now, not what he can get for your DC that they won't remember or will likely play with for 5 minutes until they discover the cardboard box is so much fun. It's a cliche but it's true.

user1471443504 · 15/12/2017 07:04

Wow just wow!
You think it's a little sad that he doesn't want to consider buying his grandchildren presents when his wife is disappearing before his eyes? My mum has dementia but is now past the point of knowing us all so it's a welcome relief for her and us all after the heartache of watching her become lost, scared, confused and angry. I'm just happy that the stress and heartache of watching his wife change personality and forget him didn't kill my dad. Im happy to still have one parent who I make sure we look after still. But yes be annoyed you have to buy the presents for him.....
You really need to think about your post. Because you all have a long road ahead of you and at some points presents will be the last thing on anyone's mind.

notaflyingmonkey · 15/12/2017 07:05

My DM has dementia. I buy the presents that she gives to my children, her other grandchild, my DB, etc. I also buy her cards and help her write them, post them, etc. This year I am toying with buying myself a present from her as I don't usually, but she then gets stressed if I can't show her what she bought me.

Living with dementia is hell. Both for the sufferer and for those who have to deal with it day in, day out.

ladymariner · 15/12/2017 07:06

Your dh and you are well met. That a man could see his mother descend into Alzheimers, watch his father deal with it (and presumably deal with his own aging issues and fears too) and that his reaction is "how sad he won't pick out a present for my toddler" is gob-smackingly awful. I don't really care if I am piling in on this OP (who doesn't get the message at all judging from her last posts) - this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager

Exactly what I wanted to say. Op, your pathetic callous disregard for what your poor fil is going through makes me sick.

tulippa · 15/12/2017 07:08

My mum always asked us to do this when she was alive. It was her way of making sure our DCs got presents they would like. She was a practical person but doesn't mean she didn't care about her DGCs. I think your FIL has enough to worry about at the moment.

FiveShelties · 15/12/2017 07:10

M Dad died with Alzheimers last year - it is a terrible disease. I cannot believe you actually typed out this AIBU and still posted OP. Dreadful thread.

ShottaSheriff · 15/12/2017 07:10

YABU. Presents are simply stuff. They are not some great symbol of anything other than how consumerist our society is, and how obsessed we are with material goods, instead of the things that matter. Buying stuff is not the measure of love and value in any relationship, and I’m always shocked at how many people think it is.

Give your FIL a break. His day to day life must be heartbreaking and hard. I’m sure he would only get it wrong somehow anyway, and be the subject of another thread about crap presents from the in-laws. Your kids are 2 and a baby so it’s hardly like they will have specific interests that make present buying easier, or that they understand Christmas even.

Spikeyball · 15/12/2017 07:12

Pathetic

Spikeyball · 15/12/2017 07:14

And you must have known the reaction you would get.

Anatidae · 15/12/2017 07:14

This isn’t wife work,

He’s coping with a dreadful situation. You should buy the presents. And look at how you can support him through this time. It’s must be heartbreaking for both your husband and fil

HotelEuphoria · 15/12/2017 07:17

This post made me really angry. I have two very elderly parents one with Alzheimer's. Tthis isn't about wife work, this is about you being a PIA and very self centred. One day you may be that elderly person with all the stress and upset associated with a life long partner that needs your care 100% of the time. I hope you look back and think "ooooo must find time to wander round town and choose interesting and exciting presents suitable for very small children"

FFS, he passed the responsibility to his son who as far as I can see isn't a wife.

LunasSpectreSpecs · 15/12/2017 07:20

My inlaws do this. There is no issue with Alzheimer's or illnesses of other types, they just can't be arsed. They transfer money into the bank account for birthdays and Christmas and if we want the kids to have a present from them we have to organise it ourselves.

Sucks the joy out of the whole process and I'd rather they didn't bother.

SandyDenny · 15/12/2017 07:20

How lucky that you and DH have found each other, no other homes ruined by your unbelievably selfish self absorption.

Let's hope neither of you end up with dementia and have to ask your precious children for help, unluckily for you they will have been brought up with your attitudes. As they say - what goes around ......

tempester28 · 15/12/2017 07:24

Yes It is extra work for you but you can make it work for you children and FIL without them knowing that he did not buy it personally. Be kind

Notreallyhappy · 15/12/2017 07:26

And your problem with this is??? Time to step up and be the DiL and support the oldies.. they need you on side not complaining 😕

Anditstartsagain · 15/12/2017 07:27

It must be so difficult for you to stick a couple of extra toys in with your shopping. Poor you.

Wait I mean poor FIL you sound like a right pain.

Adviceplease360 · 15/12/2017 07:31

I didn't know people so selfish existed.
Hope he has other family who are actually decent human beings.

CharisMama · 15/12/2017 07:33

I haven't read the whole thread but I cannot take on anybody else's wife work. I would feel terrible saying no and then would end up feeling embarrassed and ashamed and resentful, because somebody else had thoughtlessly asked me to do a load of jobs for them! I am working ft with 2 kids and no DH though. A DH and his family can be like another job though it seems.

I would just say ''don't worry if it doesn't get done'' to him rather than take on his present buying, cos next it'll be washing and so on

ohreallyohreallyoh · 15/12/2017 07:34

I haben’t had presents from my dementia-ridden mum for the last two years because despite knowing my children, she doesn’t know me. You are very lucky as you clearly have no understanding of just how terrible this disease is. Your FIL must be shielding you from it very well. Maybe think of him for once, eh?

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 15/12/2017 07:36

Apart from pram and cot this is exactly what both my parents and MIL have done EVERY birthday and Christmas for the last 25 years and would still do it, although now safer to give money. I’ve had years where Godparents, BIL, SIL have asked the same. Frankly I always thought it was acceptable as it ensures that children got what they wanted, but that didn’t always work on Christmas Eve when still trying to wrap up the last of the presents. They have all been very generous through the years contributing towards Uni, school trips etc. I would suck it up, and get wrapping.

The strain of coping with a partner with Alzheimer’s/ Dementia is extraordinary, you do not seem very understanding. He is trying to ensure that your children get a present at Christmas. By the way present buying is not ‘wife work ‘ . So for that alone I would say UABU, add on the rest of your post and you could add a V and a B into the mix.

isthismummy · 15/12/2017 07:39

And so what if it was washing next CharisMama? The FIL is an older person who's wife is slowly dying in one of the cruellest ways imaginable.

Jesus wept.

Would you seriously just tell the man not to bother with presents and refuse to buy any yourself? You'd heap such embarrassment on a man who is going through hell already?

This thread is making me despair.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 15/12/2017 07:40

CharisMama

There was no need to start your post by saying you hadn't read the thread. It was bleedin' obvious by what you wrote. RTFT.

CharisMama · 15/12/2017 07:41

Tell him to send it to the launderette.
I cannot cope with any more work.

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