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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
CharisMama · 15/12/2017 07:42

Do I need to read the thread? I've experienced Alzeimers and cancer in my own family and I know what it's like to be scared to say no in case you look bad, even though you cannot take on any more.
Truth is I've no time to read the thread. Bus on my way to work.

agedknees · 15/12/2017 07:43

Yabvu. I would hope neither you or your dh end up with Alzheimer’s. I would hope if you did, your dc and their marriage partners have more empathy then you and your dh.

This is one of the most selfish posts I think I have read on aibu.

FireCracker2 · 15/12/2017 07:44

If someone gives me money to buy a present for dc , I think how generous andkind even though we don't need the money! You are ungrateful and unpleasant!. Also I bet you get this thread deleted

NovemberWitch · 15/12/2017 07:45

No time to read the thread? Then don’t make ignorant, lazy responses.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/12/2017 07:49

and here i thought CharisMama was being sarcastic

LineyRunner · 15/12/2017 07:54

He isn't transferring 'wife work', CarisMama. You've fallen for it hook, line and sinker though.

LineyRunner · 15/12/2017 07:54

He isn't transferring 'wife work', CarisMama. You've fallen for it hook, line and sinker though.

LineyRunner · 15/12/2017 07:55

God I hate it when that happens (double posting). Sorry.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 15/12/2017 07:55

I don't think buying presents is an issue at all, whether or not someone has dementia. I've bought the presents to my ds from my mum this year because she didn't know what to get him and she just gave me the money and sent me a gift tag to attach.

It really doesn't seen a big thing to ask , and if you're trying to deal with your partner's dementia as well, not at all.

When you said "wife work" I thought you meant he wanted you to write his Christmas cards for him and the like. Though in the circumstances it would not be unreasonable to ask.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/12/2017 07:57
Hmm
LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2017 08:00

- this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager.

Couldn’t put it better myself.

I hope you’ve learnt something from this thread OP, like how to remove your head out of your arse and be a kind and compassionate person.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 15/12/2017 08:00

God forbid your DH ever gets ill and has to ask you to take on some of his responsibilities - he's in for a nasty surprise, isn't he!

Consider yourself special, OP - you've just received my first ever Mumsnet Biscuit.

Theclockstruck2 · 15/12/2017 08:02

My parents are divorced and my dad does this every year anyway! I actually like it because I can get them something I approve of and want them to have! I think it’s fine.

Gazelda · 15/12/2017 08:05

I don't know if your FIL is caring for his DW at home, but maybe it's the practicalities that are too difficult. Why don't you go and spend the day at his home caring for your MIL, while your DH takes his DF out for the day, for a pint, to the football, whatever, and pops into toysRUs on their way back to get the gifts. The. DH brings 5em home to wrap and You pop them Under your PIL tree next time you're visiting.

MrsExpo · 15/12/2017 08:06

OMG ... OP you are being very U to take this stance. Did you ever hear about the basic concept of supporting people in need. I feel doubly sad for your FiL .... he’s coping with his wife’s illness and having to beg small favours from a self centred DiL .... poor man.

Glittertwins · 15/12/2017 08:10

"He doesn't want to" and "we'll go along with it".
Christ almighty, Christmas would be the last thing on his mind, what has he got to look forward to watching his wife die slowly in front of his eyes.
This sort of illness can be hereditary by the way.

Slarti · 15/12/2017 08:13

Haven't RTFT so not sure if this has been suggested but I wonder if it's possible for you and your DH to coordinate taking your FIL out for an afternoon (one of you staying with MIL if that's what she needs so that the other can go out with FIL). It would perhaps give him a short respite from the responsibility of caring for his wife whilst spending time with loved ones and grabbing a couple of small gifts for your DCs whilst out.

Slarti · 15/12/2017 08:14

Just seen above that Gazelda has posted just what I was trying to say.

luckylavender · 15/12/2017 08:28

You're being so unreasonable & heartless.

Sparkletastic · 15/12/2017 08:28

Perhaps you could offer to look after MIL for the day while DH takes his father gift shopping?

Mammylamb · 15/12/2017 08:29

Yabu

ladymariner · 15/12/2017 08:30

Charismama are you the op? same shit attitude and lack of emapthy

Thetimehascome · 15/12/2017 08:31

For goodness sake, help the man out. They are not wife duties, just jobs his wife used to do and can no longer manage.

mrsmuggins53 · 15/12/2017 08:36

Yes ageee with all the above. With experience of Alzheimer's. Please cut him some slack.

Bindibot · 15/12/2017 08:43

@burntwine if you're still reading, you and your husband really need to educate yourselves on the realities of Alzheimer's. It not someone being a bit forgetful and doddery.

It is one of the cruelest diseases out there, and I say that as an ex-Nurse with oncology and hospice experience.

I'm giving you the benefit of doubt that you really don't 'get it' or that you are both in denial about what is happening to MIL, but things are going to get worse and your FIL will need more help and support.