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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
lalliella · 15/12/2017 08:44

Your dh and you are well met. That a man could see his mother descend into Alzheimers, watch his father deal with it (and presumably deal with his own aging issues and fears too) and that his reaction is "how sad he won't pick out a present for my toddler" is gob-smackingly awful. I don't really care if I am piling in on this OP (who doesn't get the message at all judging from her last posts) - this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager.

^ this

Well said pallisers you have summed it up perfectly

lynmilne65 · 15/12/2017 08:56

URBTU

Mishappening · 15/12/2017 09:06

Oh OP! - have you no imagination or compassion? I live with a man with a neurodegenerative disorder and it is hell on earth. Sad

Your FIL is kind enough to want to use his money to provide presents for your children - and you are grumbling about it! For heaven's sake woman pull yourself together. Just be grateful for his kindness.

slowco4ch · 15/12/2017 09:10

I have helped my parents for years with jobs like this and subsequently have done the same for my MIL. We’re now facing Alzheimer’s with my own lovely mother. You are being incredibly insensitive and entitled deigning to buy the presents for you own children. Be happy your family are still forefront in your FIL’s mind. Stop, take a moment and be grateful for what you have. I hope you never face being bewildered, frightened and overwhelmed in this world with your best friend slipping away.

Checklist · 15/12/2017 09:14

I have DD with a progressive, degenerative condition and going out of the house with her at any time of the year is stressful, never mind through the Christmas crowds.

Do you look after MIL for the day to give FIL some respite? If not, I suggest you do and take her out shopping. It might give you a bit more insight into why he asks you to buy the presents for your grandchildren?

(I buy most Xmas presents on line, but I'm guessing presents for very young children tend to be big and expensive to have delivered, even if FIL can use the internet?)

eatshitexwife · 15/12/2017 09:18

You sound fucking delightful OP he is lucky to have you as a DIL

CaledonianQueen · 15/12/2017 09:23

I honestly don't know whether to be more shocked or horrified! I can only think that you are a pair of narcissists who really think that your precious babies getting a hand-chosen present, is more important than what your FIL and MIL are facing!

Altzheimers is HELL, what's worse is that it is a living HELL, your poor FIL faces watching his beloved wife disappear before his eyes! your FIL is likely at the stage where he cannot leave your MIL alone at home. Taking her shopping would likely be confusing and triggering for your MIL. Please research altzheimers, because unless your dh has siblings with empathy, you and your DH are going to need to be there to support your FIL.

The Altzheimers society is a good place to start. Your FIL as a carer is probably already putting your MIL before himself, meaning he has little time for inconsequential things like shopping for Christmas presents. My Dad is a carer for my Mum (for physical disabilities) and they have asked me for several years now to choose gifts for my children's birthdays and Christmases. They enjoy giving my children gifts and it brings them joy. It makes no difference who chooses the gifts!

Please look at this link, your FIL faces a very difficult and heartbreaking task, he deserves empathy and support. Both these qualities seem to be lacking in yourself and your dh. You need to find them and quickly.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20046/help_with_care/79/carers_looking_after_yourself

FiveShelties · 15/12/2017 09:32

Why am I not surprised that OP has not returned? Too much Christmas spirit?

RebeccaNoodles · 15/12/2017 09:33

Hi OP, you've had quite a pounding here. I'm sure you didn't mean to be thoughtless.

I think your FIL is a bit of a hero to be remembering Xmas gifts at all. Have you thought of what you will get him? Xmas aside, he would probably appreciate a day out with your DH or even a lunch, while someone else cares for his wife. I hope he gets this regularly anyway but if not, it's something to consider.

lasketchup · 15/12/2017 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 09:39

I haven't read the whole thread but I cannot take on anybody else's wife work. I would feel terrible saying no and then would end up feeling embarrassed and ashamed and resentful, because somebody else had thoughtlessly asked me to do a load of jobs for them! I am working ft with 2 kids and no DH though. A DH and his family can be like another job though it seems.

I would just say ''don't worry if it doesn't get done'' to him rather than take on his present buying, cos next it'll be washing and so on

Maybe a nice sock puppet as a present for OPs kids

OP I doubt you are still reading this, but you are being ridiculously self-centred. I'm glad I don't know anyone like you in real life. Your poor FIL not only having to care for his wife, but to have such a selfish son and DIL.

Shame on you.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 15/12/2017 10:06

Yabu- he hasn't asked you to buy for everyone, just your own two children. He's a lot going on, doesn't need the stress on top. The 'wifework' would come into it if you drip feed that he also wants you to buy and write his Christmas cards!

slashlover · 15/12/2017 10:34

The thing is that it's not just a baby and a toddler.

And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2.

I'm sure if FIL bought some DGC presents and not others then OP would moan, or if some DGC got 'perfect' presents and others got something unsuitable.

I don't have any of the pressure that FIL has and I ask my friends what their DC would like for Christmas purely because I have no idea what they like/need or what they already have.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 15/12/2017 10:40

I want to adopt FIL and help him out. What an unbelievable attitude from the OP and her DH.

BowiesJumper · 15/12/2017 11:00

That poor poor man. Have some empathy! You should be falling over yourselves to help him. Bless him.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 11:03

I think it’s bloody ungrateful of you, and would still be even if his circumstances weren’t so awful. Not everyone shares your approach to gift giving, and that’s fine

CarpeVitam · 15/12/2017 11:09

I guess that's you told OP....not quite the answer you were expecting? Merry Christmas Wink

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/12/2017 11:12

Well, I assume because the thread hasn't been zapped, it's genuine.

I was really, really hoping it wasn't.

Hi OP, you've had quite a pounding here

Aside from 'CharisMama' Hmm it's a unanimous show of disgust, yes. Sometimes, occasionally, it's deserved.

Meeep · 15/12/2017 11:12

I do this for my in laws because they live abroad so don't see us often, and they said they're not sure what to get for children of different ages.

It's nice really because I know exactly what the kids want so they don't get unsuitable stuff.

Yabu and weird to see this as a problem.

CotswoldStrife · 15/12/2017 11:24

Flowers Tactum Flowers the role of a carer is difficult at best, but when it's your parents it's a whole other level of pain.

OP - you've not come out of this well. My own stepdad does this, not for the same reason though (mental health issues). In the past, I've had him send a signed gift-tag as I am keen for my child not to realise that he doesn't do it! Yes, it can smart sometimes but I squash it down because I know that it means a lot to my DD and that's the aim.

I also send an email with details of the gift and how is it used (often I pick a game which has characters so it is used throughout the year and extras can be bought) so when she starts jabbering on about it he has half a clue what it is!

My child is the youngest grandchild so the rest can be given money more easily. She still likes toys and games. So I do get that it can feel painful that he isn't buying the gifts but his circumstances do mean that he gets a free pass with this one to me.

Ignore the pages of pounding and have the best Christmas you can in the circumstances, I hope it goes well for you all [santa]

KurriKurri · 15/12/2017 14:08

shegotBetteDaviseyes - I saw you had reported this last night (thank you) and I was sure it would be gone by this morning. It seems to be a thread setting out to upset so many people with loved ones affected by this disease. I lay awake last night thinking about my poor Dad and all the horror and indignity he went through because of his illness.
I can see by other posts that many people have been as upset by this as I was.

The fact that it appears to be genuine makes it so much worse somehow.

I'm hiding it now - it's only a week since the anniversary of my wonderful dad's death, the gap left in my life by his absence is endlessly painful, I am forever heartsore. For someone to dismiss the impact this illness has on spouses and other carers and focus on something so trivial as Christmas presents for babies is distressing and insulting.

InspMorse · 15/12/2017 14:45

Not only are YBVU, you are incredibly thoughtless.
I think It's amazing that he has found the time to discuss your precious DC's Xmas presents at all.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/12/2017 14:53

It’s not “ wife work “ in any way as your DH will buy the presents plus it’s helping out a member of the family that’s going through a tough time.

Glad to see the thread didn’t go as you expected it to though.

ftw · 15/12/2017 14:59

I’ve never seen a unanimous AIBU before.

Tiredtomybones · 15/12/2017 15:01

Yabvu. It's been many a long year since I have cried reading a thread here, but the heartfelt words of so many people caring for relatives, or who have cared for loved ones in the past, has drawn me to tears. I send each and every one of you love and strength. I have my own story but it's too painful to add now. I think the poster who said he/she is also too busy to buy an extra couple of gifts is minimising the giving of gifts in the past. Those gifts were bought and wrapped with thought and care. To say it's ok not to get them minimises that and I find that incredibly sad too. It's like the effort didn't matter.

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