To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

[CalifornianSummef]

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

Go on you tube and google Jeff Bridges talking about why he proposed to his wife. He had dragged his heels and she was just very matter of fact about the fact her clock was ticking so she was leaving. They've had a really long happy marriage by Hollywood standards, so it can all turn out fine, but the intense feelings of disappointment you are trying to hide from him will not do anyone any good.

The way I see it you can be “traditional” and miserable or some kind of crazy radical and potentially happy. I asked my husband to marry me and I don’t think he loves me any less because I asked. Don’t be a twat- you’re in charge of your own destiny. Own your life and ask him or leave him.

As a couple of PP have aluded to, the whole money/your job thing feels like a bit of a nonsense excuse from his side. He's just had a £40k pay rise?? That's pretty substantial from most people's point of view. I can't imagine that as a couple you're struggling, even if you're out of work for a while.

I think you should focus your attentions on a new job then start making plans to separate.

I was with my ex for four years, lived in his house, he said repeatedly that he did want to get married and have a family but never proposed. He was always “just about to” then I “did something to ruin it.”

Wow Polar I could have written that. Mine used to pull the ‘you ruined it’ card a lot too. He was also abusive in other ways and I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn’t end up marrying him in the end.

OP, how is your relationship otherwise?

I also agree with others who say your friends need to back off. Nagging someone about their private life is really not on.

Have you ever asked why? We have the reverse situation here. He asked and I said no because it makes no logical sense to me to get married. We’re both fine with it and doesn’t mean I don’t love him and don’t want to be with him forever. I do. Just I’ve been married before and the thought of being in a position like that again just makes me cold

Always better to talk

OP it is possible that he feels pressured and wants to do it in his own way. I know many women who were ready to get married before their partners. Most of them did get engaged in the end (when the partner was ready) and are now happily married! It might work out if you back off and give him time.

I think you need to tell him how you feel. Fine if you don't want to be the one proposing, but this is making you unhappy and it sounds as if you're a tad resentful now, too. Level with him. It's not fair to set an arbitrary date for his proposing if you don't tell him you are starting to feel like you need to have a definite commitment.

Honestly, marriage is brutal sometimes. If you can't voice tricky topics when you don't know what reaction you'll get, that will make things a lot harder. And if this is a relationship that should be a marriage, then its being very important to one necessarily makes it very important to the other - whatever his own wishes and whatever the outcome when you seek to meet both of your wants, needs and wishes, your feelings on significant issues deserve to be respected. And for him to do that, you need to communicate them. Not as in, "I'd like to get married one day..." but with the level of seriousness you've shown here.

why should he get married? He has absolutely no reason to."-well if he loved the Op enough...

This sounds like the sort of sentence an emotional blackmailer would role out.

Oh, and when I say your feelings should be respected, I don't mean that he has to comply with them. I just mean that he should be respectful, honest and open. Because as mentioned, marriage has shit points, flashpoints and stress points. Getting through them involves being able to talk in a constructive way, IMO, even when the topics are dicey and you come at things from a different perspective. You don't need to agree but you do need to understand what the other feels.

Traditionally women were virgins when they got married. And traditionally there was a dowry too. "Traditional" changes and is relative, don't, for your sake use it as an excuse. Say "I want to be swept off my feet by a man. I want him to know what I want without having to tell him. ". which is fine but it does not guarantee happiness.

As other have said, be honest to yourself, slightly tough loving but accept the reality and make decisions based on that. Don't hang on to an idea of a perfectly crafter dream scenario. Live in the moment otherwise you will be disappointed.

your job is an excuse that he's using. just think about it - a proposal costs nothing. it's a commitment. it doesn't matter whether you're in a FTC or one is ending or you're looking, you either want to spend the rest of your lives together or you don't.

personally i'd start thinking about exactly how much i'd need to save and come up with a plan. if he chooses to propose that's great, but you need to get on with your life. doesn't mean you have to break up with him today. just means that you have no illusions.

and to all those idiots who have the emotional intelligence of a greater crested newt, tell them to stop bloody asking you!

I think the subject of marriage, why you believe in it and weather you would like a proper proposal or not or are happy to do the proposing is a very very personal thing. IME it's something over which you can actually surprise yourself!

Our view of marriage and our expectations can be coloured by what we've seen as children, or what we've seen happen to friends. Or completely not and be quite out of the blue. Advice from or pressure from people we trust can make some people go against their better judgement. I think it's quite complicated.

Sometimes deep down we just want something, maybe done a certain way and we cannot explain it. Do we wait for it? Do we not?

The crux of the OP's situation is as lots of pps have already said - that when one half of a partnership wants something quite badly and the other doesn't then trouble brews. There are some things you need to be on the same page for really. Having kids or not, getting married or not, moving a long way away from family or not, ect.

Best of luck OP

Can I ask where you live? In my circle of friends and their siblings etc (basically most people I know) it would be very unusual to get married before 30.

Maybe he is just waiting until he feels mature enough, maybe it is coming but in his own time. Only he knows and possibly you may have an inclination.

My dh took 7 years to propose and we were together 9 when getting married. He didn't feel ready before then and didn't feel as though he was financially secure enough to give me the ring/wedding I wanted. (Looking back I probably would advise to elope, although I loved every minute). It did get to the stage though were I was frustrated and I was getting cross as I wanted to get married however I am now glad I didn't push him too much. I did however know marriage was important to him so that it was on the cards at some point.

You don't want to get engaged at Xmas/NY you want a special day just for your engagement. I suggest having a chat about what you would like to achieve/happen in 2018 and as part of yours say engage with view to marriage. Find out what his concerns are, is it affording a wedding? Is a wedding celebration important to you or do you just want to be married (as it can be done very cheaply) so that may help if he is worried about finance. Is it just not important to him, as he sees himself as already committed? Does he just feel immature, not at right place in his life? Have an honest conversation and if he says that marriage isn't for him but he is committed to you then I'm afraid you got to weigh up what's more important marriage or your relationship.

What I am telling my unmarried friends, being married doesn't actually change that much. You think it does until you do it. I love my dh and would do it again. Before I got married I probably would have thought about leaving him if he didn't want to get married. Now knowing what I do about marriage, I would prefer my relationship and would never leave him over it.

I'm afraid that's only a call you can make though. Please don't get swayed by so many people saying leave leave leave, we are all strangers and don't know your relationship and are only projecting ourselves into your position.

For your friends and family, tell them you have decided you do not want to get married, that will keep them quiet and then if you do get engaged they will be really shocked for you instead of expecting it :-)

I don't know if he's ever got any intention of proposing. I agree with others that if it's important to you then you need to have a mental deadline.

But in the meantime, I'd be having words with all your friends and family. It's none of their business and they're making you feel worse. Tell them you're not expecting a proposal, and that you want them to stop bringing the subject up as it's getting boring. Then just blank any repeated comments.

The average man proposes after about three years. If a man doesn't propose it's either because a) He hasn't made up his mind yet, or b) He doesn't want to. In your case a) doesn't apply because he's been with you long enough to make up his mind; the only possible reason for him not proposing is b) He doesn't want to.

My DH proposed a year later than I wanted him to. We had reached the point where I told him if the relationship was going to end, I wanted to have enough time left to meet and marry someone else before I was too old to have children. I said if he hadn't decided whether he wanted to commit to me within a year then I'd be moving on to find someone who wanted a committed relationship. By that point it was already too late for him to surprise me or make me feel special and loved by proposing; I had an awful year of feeling uncommitted because I didn't know if we had a future or not, and when he eventually proposed (six weeks before the deadline) all I felt was a heavy sense of disappointment that he didn't love me enough to decide to marry me without having to be pushed. With six weeks left on the clock I had already started to check out emotionally and make preparations for leaving, so his last-minute proposal left me feeling very confused. He made virtually no effort with his proposal and it was clear that he only did it because proposing was preferable to me leaving.

If marriage is important to you, you may have to give your OH a similar ultimatum (and stick to it). He's had more than enough time and you're too old to hang around waiting. Even if he does propose, I wouldn't expect romance at this point; when you've had to push and threaten it takes all the romance out of it. I still don't know what the long term effects of having to push for a proposal will be - we've been married for years and I still cry when I hear about other people's lovely proposals because I didn't get one.

Some of you are missing a trick,he’s not compelled to propose,so deadlines pointless
No woman is entitled to be married,and a time served (it’s been 5yr) is frankly awful
So if he wants to marry fine,but no he shouldn’t be given ultimatum

OP you say you’ve only talked about marriage 3 times ever, have you not talked about the future at all? Children? I couldn’t have a relationship with someone if I don’t know they were on the same page as me after 5 years.

Incidentally the happiest couple I know have been together 30 odd years and aren’t married. They are actually by coincidence getting married next year but they have kids, a house, clearly love each other and are a much better example of a good relationship than most married couples I know

I would really consider moving out. He has no incentive to propose - everything is already on a plate and walking down the isle won't change anything.
I know two people who have done this and both are now happily married.

If I was a high earner (you don't get a £40K pay rise and not be earning well) and I had an inkling that my GF said things like "I can't afford to leave him yet" then I sure as fuck wouldn't be proposing either'

The £40K is ringing a bell... are you the poster who hasn't paid any rent ever, but also has never saved? Because she buys the food shop and he insists on Waitrose not Lidl?

Oh, yeah, I remember that now, Ellisandra. Told her to bail then, too, because if anything he can show her the door at any minute. Far more secure to be in a flatshare where you're all on the tenancy agreement, even a lodger with an agreement in place has more rights.

This guy doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason, if that's what you want, move on.

I don't understand it. just because he hasn't proposed doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you for ever and its men of people to say that. My friend pressurised her partner re marriage constantly. I felt sorry for him. He eventually proposed, in his own time frame. My husband waited 15 years (we had lived together for 14). I was shocked and surprised. The only person who had ever hassled him was the same friend i mentioned above. non of my very traditional family ever asked me.

I know you said you want him to propose because it's 'traditional' but I'm wondering if you just want this gesture to be confident that he really loves you

It must sew doubt in your mind that he knows you really want that commitment but won't propose. If he at least was respectful enough to talk honestly and openly with you about either not really wanting to marry or what his thought are on your future together, it would feel less vulnerable and undignified.

Your friends and family asking must make it harder because they shine a light on your own insecurity . It's not a terrible thing to ask about - 'did he propose!' But you know that you are as clueless as they are about his intentions. It is humiliating. It demonstrates that you are not a team.

You need to talk to him. And you should be open about how much this matters to you, why it makes you feel so estranged from him.

If you want a successful strong relationship you need to recognise that this nonsense about a traditional proposal is really just shining alight on the fact that he isn't treating you like his partner, his life companion and friend.