To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

[CalifornianSummef]

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

OP Reading all the response can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Get on the same page with your OH, if he is not on board. Leave and find someone else.

Do you want children? How does he feel about that?

Can I just say that I find the word Headmaster dated and, unless applied to the headteacher of a boys' independent fee-paying school, which it probably is in this case, sexist.

Sensible advice, CR7987.

My ex husband was happy to be engaged but any mention of weddings were ignored until I just phoned the registry office and booked it.

May seem pushy but it was then or never (we were ttc and I wanted to be married first)

He was very happy then and took an interest in the plans etc. I think it just took one of us finally booking it.

However I know that doesn't help in your situation but I'd be telling him you need to know etc.

I had no children with ex husband as we had fertility problems. So when we split I was still only 29 and young enough to still have children with someone else.

I'm astonished that in 2017 a woman will wait for a man to 'propose' to her.

When DH and I got married 20 years ago, it was just something we mutually agreed to do as a progression of our relationship.

If we had disagreed on it, then I guess we would have gone our separate ways or found a way to compromise.

I was with my ex for four years, lived in his house, he said repeatedly that he did want to get married and have a family but never proposed. He was always “just about to” then I “did something to ruin it.”

I left him a year ago. He met his new gf very quickly, has just proposed to her and she is pregnant! The same thing has happened to several women I know. Their DP won’t propose or settle down but then goes onto do so in their next relationship!

I’m with someone lovely now but I can’t help feeling I wasted four years with someone who basically strung me along.

Tell him. Honestly. Don't set deadlines to him, make them in your head but start a conversation off about New Year resolutions and say how important getting married is to you and that not being married is a deal breaker. If he carries on without asking, you have your answer.

Not to give you false hope but just to refute the myth that if a man doesn’t ask you to marry him after 5yrs he is not going to. We have two sets of friends who were adamant they would never marry, both got married after 15yrs and both had kids they also said they would never have. Personally I think you should just ask though if it is important to you and friends and family should be more sensitive.

Just call it a day. From what you say, he doesn't want to marry you. Wait and see what Christmas Day brings if you like, but he sounds very reluctant.

30 is young. You have plenty of time to meet someone who would be enthusiastic to marry you. Look at Prince Harry - dabbled all over the place and now says he gets excited shivers at the thought of being (36 year old) Meghan's husband. There's your role model!

We have two sets of friends who were adamant they would never marry, both got married after 15yrs and both had kids they also said they would never have.

They not wanting to wed is different though. It's two people on the same page at the time, not one miserably hoping and waiting for the other.

But if you love him and would hate life without him, why is marriage more important than that?

You have told him you want to get married. He knows it's important. If he wasn't on the same page he should at least have been honest with you. It may not be the done thing to say but I understand the urge to get married. Nothing wrong with wanting that. The thing is, it's not looking likely you will get what you want from him. You need to be brave and start looking for someone who wants what you want. It needn't be scary. Really think what you want from a partner and go get it. Take control and tell your family and friends to butt out while you're at it.

I disagree with posters saying move on or he doesn't want to marry you or don't waste anymore time on him etc etc...

The fact he said he was "coming round to the idea" shows marriage isn't something he's bothered about or feels the 'need' to do. It is 2017, a lot of people don't feel the 'need' to marry these days.

Why are you so desperate to get married? Is it the declaration of commitment to each other? Is it the idea of 'the big day' and all that encompasses? Do you think marriage means life long commitment whereas not getting married means it's easier to split up?

These he won’t marry me threads are at least weekly,and it’s sad how women generally are.Adult women who work,manage their finances,travel have Interests and hobbies but cannot say To the adult man they live with, let’s get married cause they’re waiting coquettishly and passively for a man to ask. I mean, wakeyfuckinwakey ladies. No woman needs to passively wait on a man proposing. Reason folk are reiterating it’s 2017 is that culturally,socially women don’t need to wait to be asked, one can ask.

This is quite a straightforward solution

1. Remain unmarried with you two as partners

2 proposal and you get married to him 3 You split and marry someone else

Apart from the bigger issue of whether you get married or not, it is horrible constantly saying “no he hasn’t proposed yet” so if you get texts or questions do just say “I know you mean well, but I really don’t enjoy constantly having to tell you that no he hasn’t proposed - it makes me feel a bit shit when we have a good relationship, so please can we agree that as soon as he does propose you’ll be the first to know and agree to not discuss again?!”

I used to have to say that (nicely) to friends who really only were trying to be excited for me and I think they thought they were saying what a great couple they thought we were but I felt weirdly like a failure and he was very happy to propose eventually and did and it was lovely.

But being asked (once 7 times in one week!) made me think about it more.

One friend who was with her boyfriend for 5 years ruined every incredible luxury holiday in the last year of their relationship by expecting a proposal (wound up further by her friends constantly saying “has he proposed yet?”), gave him an ultimatum, he was forced into it - then called their destination wedding in south east Asia off 3 weeks before saying “I always said I wasn’t the marrying kind”. The guests had nearly all booked their flights. Her dress was made, they lost huge deposits, it was awful. Guests wanted them to pay them back for flights and hotels etc. He then proposed to his next girlfriend within 9 months. If a man wants to marry you, nothing much stops him.

It never ceases to amaze me how many experts there are on here! Experts on people who have never met your oh deciding what he will or won’t do.

OP - leave it for now. See what happens over the festive period.

Then in January talk about the future - looking for a new job is the ideal catalyst for this. Have the children talk , have the ‘are we protected in case one of us dies/leaves/falls ill’ talk. Talk about marriage, decide together if it is something you will do together.

I’m married now, I wrote a similar thread on here about 5 years ago. Nearly everyone told me to leave, he just wasn’t that into me etc etc. I laid my cards on the table, I wanted marriage but if not marriage a legal agreement that protected us both.

3 Months later I got a proposal. Best day of his life he says, until our daughter was born.

Not everyone wants to get married. I didn't. It drove me up the wall everyone asking once we'd been together a while and it drove my poor now DH up the wall even more as everyone assumed he was the problem, not that he'd proposed on our 3rd date and multiple times afterwards.

If it helps it took about 10 years and carrying me down a volcano after I sprained my ankle before I agreed to become his wife and if it wasn't for the legal aspects, I probably wouldn't have married him. It's not that I don't love him or intend spending the rest of my life with him, I just don't see marriage the way he does. Have you sat down and talked about why it's important to you?

Also what sort of marriage does/did his parents have? Mine have an exceedingly toxic one where they apparently went for from loving each other very much to getting divorced on their honeymoon and then roughly every six weeks from that point forward dragging everyone around them into their screaming rows. It was not a good representation of married life and definitely put me off.

I feel like at 30 you are still young enough to leave, move on and meet someone and have the fairy tale you are hoping for.

If it was 5 years but you had both met at 25 and were both 30 I would think it was fine to leave it another year or so, but he's 35. Surely most of his friends are married by now? What is he hanging round for at this stage in his life unless he doesn't actually want to move to another one?

I think you need a serious conversation and ask him when do you see yourself being married, when do you see yourself having children, am I part of this vision?

You owe it to yourself as it would be such a waste if you are waiting round for someone that ultimately doesn't want to do these things with you.

I just can't understand giving up someone you love and who makes you happy because being married is more important than life with that person

Dh proposed after 8yrs together and mostly because we wanted children. Neither of us was fussed about getting married really. He was going to propose 2yrs before on a holiday, (he told me) but the timing never worked out. However, pressure and guesswork from friends and family would have put him off completely because he wanted the proposal to be a lovely surprise. Got married on our 10 year anniversary.

I’ll be advising my dc (boys & girls) to run for the fuckin hills if they date anyone whose friends & family keep asking about popping the question

'I just can't understand giving up someone you love and who makes you happy because being married is more important than life with that person'

Well, I can't understand wanting to live with someone who doesn't want the same fundamental things out of life that I want, which included marriage. Each to his/her own, but marriage is important to some people, and they want that type of commitment with their partner. And personally, I've always felt there are plenty of people you can love, who will love you and with whom you can be very happy with, not just one or nothing.

Depends if marriage is significant to you,and a deal breaker
If it is you need to be hooking up with men who want to marry

ask him if he's a stringer or a nervous Nelly. If you wait too long you'll end up bitter. It's not a good way to live, even if you really love. Be brave, unemotional and head held high. If he doesn't want commitment, he's stopping you finding your lobster.

I don't think there is anything wrong with setting a deadline. People say don't pressure him into doing something he doesn't want but you are not getting what you want and you can't go on like that forever.

It's reasonable to give him fair warning. It is not pressure, the ball would be in his court and he would be free to make a choice.

The alternatives to not giving him a date are going on as you are indefinitely or one day out of the blue leaving because he hasn't asked yet. If you go for the second option, he will say he didn't realise how strongly you felt and you should give him more time.

I think it is important for him to propose. If you ask men like this to marry you it goes like this:

Will you marry me?
Ok
Great. What dates are we looking at for a wedding?
Well lets just get Christmas out of the way and discuss it in the new year.

Then your in the same position to get him to actually marry you without delaying forever.

Men still do that even when they propose but it is a step in the right direction if he has gone out and bought a ring, got down on one knee, told you why he wants to marry you. Its an active decision to do that and the ritual and the engaged status does add weight to it compared to reluctantly agreeing so you won't leave him.

To be honest, the usual noncommital-bingo phrases like "not ready yet", "don't believe in marriage", "maybe one day", "it's a big commitment", "don't want to think about that yet" just mean it's the wrong person and they do not want to marry you.

The amount of times I've seem women fobbed off with these excuses for 7,8,10 years (including one who's BF proposed after 10 then asked to hold off on the wedding planning as he "wasn't ready", at 35. They've been engaged 2 years now and no date set) then they split up, guy meets new gf and proposes within a year because "it felt right" and they "knew she was the one".

It someone doesn't want to get married, what does it usually mean? That they think someone better might come along. Move on from this guy, don't waste another 5 years.