To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

[CalifornianSummef]

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well

I get it op. I'm in the same scenario but with a dc and I'm in far too deep to leave. I think, for me, I'd rather stay together unmarried but i won't be making any more big commitments like moving house or getting a bigger mortgage or anything else until we're married (maybe never)

I started a thread and it hurt and made me doubt my relationship, my life. I still don't really know what im doing with my life and like you a million people will text me asking if I've got a ring yet and I'll have to try my very best to not tell them to all fuck off and leave me alone.

I wish i had some advice for you I really do.

[He] now earns an extra £40k a year so money definitely isn’t tight

I think this bit's being overlooked. He's a high earner by the sounds of it, yet is huffing and puffing about you needing to get another job before making big life decisions. That does sound like an excuse, unless your earnings are much higher than we might expect.

Agree with PPs that he's stringing you along. People who really want to get married do so in all kinds of circumstances, and most excuses for not doing so are just that: excuses.
Regarding the questions from friends I recently received a group text from a friend that said "I'm really struggling with [topic] right now, could I please ask that you avoid bringing it up in conversations with me as it's a painful topic at the moment." I thought it was quite brave of her, and as far as I know people have respected her request.

I wouldn't necessarily say he doesn't want to marry you. My DH wasn't exactly in a hurry to get wed, even though we had a DC. I more or less insisted, and quite a lot of years later, we're still very happy, and he LOVES being married. He was just nervous about it. I wasn't fussed about the whole proposal thing, though. Sometimes, to get what you want in life, you have to compromise a bit.

What Buck3t wrote, with bells on. And actually, you don't want to marry a person like this because you had to pressure him into it. He'll string out engagement. And then, if you try to have kids, it'll be another waiting game or he'll try to pressure you into a termination if you accidentally get pregnant because he's 'not ready' or if you go ahead you'll be doing everything because 'you're hte one who wanted kids before I was ready.'

Because the FACT is that he doesn't want to marry you or have kids with you. He's THIRTY-FIVE, FFS. He knows what you want, he doesn't want it, too, at least not with you. That's the bottom line. I know it hurts, I had to end a marriage at your age because my ex never wanted kids - it was awful, had to sell our house, go to court to get the divorce, blah blah. Best move I ever made. People said, 'He'll find someone in 6 months and get her pregnant.' Well, that was irrelevant, because I was going to find a way to have children or at least try (as it wound up, he never did have kids, had a vasectomy, but I remarried within a year and had 3 children in the next 5 years after that). I stopped making it about him and why he was how he is and started focusing on me and why I was how I was and how I could try to work towards what I wanted.

And you can't afford to leave?

You can't afford to stay, either.

Start planning. Get another job, any job, get a houseshare, a bedsit, move back home, take a job with tied accommodation, and leave.

'I love you, but we're not on the same page about what we want and need out of life. I need to move on to achieve what I want and need out of life.'

Best words I ever said.

A lot of men do need a kick start these days to finally get married. They probably think there isn't a lot in it for them. Which sometimes there isn't. What to do? Thirty isn't that old these days but you don't want to be still hanging on in 5 or ten years time. People should stop having children till they're married. As some women are already deciding to do.

What difference will being married make to you?

Oh gosh. I was you 8 or 9 years ago OP.

I totally get it. I would speak once more about it after Xmas & then don't bring it up again & get ready to pack your bags (or pack his).

Do not discuss again. If he hasn't got round to it by 1st week of January then he doesn't want to. Don't even go there with him xxx

Your life will be richer for it n

I want to marry dp. He knows this and he wants to marry me. However I'm still waiting on a proposal as his divorce isn't final yet.

We've been together 3 years.

I was with my ex husband for 12 years before we got married and then divorced 4.5 years later. (I was with him since I was 13 and married at 25)

I don't understand how people get here - I'm not trying to be unhelpful but surely you had proper conversations fairly early on about what you want from a relationship? After it was clear we were serious, my (now) DH and I used to talk about all sorts of things reasonably informally but seriously - whether kids were on the table, whether we wanted to get married, but a house, wanted to seriously travel etc. These were fluid and ongoing conversations but formed the basis of our plans for years.

I don't under how after 5 years you haven't had several proper conversations about things like this. This is when your dealbreakers are talked about. For me I wouldn't consider children outside of wedlock. He was less fussed but understood my point of view, and definitely wanted kids so we knew early on that marriage and kids were on the cards.

Sit down and have a proper conversation. Say to him the actually words 'I want to get married - is this something you think about?' And go from there.

I might wait until after Christmas though, just in case!!

he’s been given a promotion and now earns an extra £40k a year so money definitely isn’t tight, though obviously with my job situation being precarious things might be a little tighter for a while

I mean this kindly, but is he putting things off to protect his assets? He must be aware of the financial security which marriage gives women - especially if they want children - and since he's remarked several times on money issues I can't help wondering

I understand delaying your decision until work's more stable, but if he meets someone else who he will fancy marrying, he could walk away tomorrow with no obligation to you at all

I feel for you - similar situation here but both much older, previous relationships. I was married before for 18 y, he was 25 y but not actually married as he said he didn't believe in it as not religious.

We have been together nearly 7 y, 5 y ago, at xmas, he gave me a ring. It is gold, with a twist in it - what I would call a friendship ring? Defo not an engagement ring. He didn't propose, but stated to friends we were engaged. For a few years I kind of went along with that, but over the last year I have been telling people very loudly that we are NOT engaged as there is NO wedding on the cards. No date set etc. I keep telling him that engaged means ' a promise to marry' so if you won't marry me we are not engaged so don't keep saying we are engaged. I have also told him the gap on my left hand is so that when SOMEONE proposes to me I have room for a lovely ring!

I too hope he will eventually realise that I am not happy - I do tell him! A friend recently wed who said he never would, after about 8 years. But I must admit, I often think maybe I should cut my losses. He gets all the wifey benefits for no input. Hmm

I've seen this thread come up on here at least once a week, too. You've already spoken to him, he knows what you want. Now start talking to yourself about why you waste time with someone who doesn't want what you want. And love? Well, you can't love anyone else until you love yourself, and part of loving yourself is honouring who you are and what you want out of life.

If he hasn’t proposed after 5.5 years he’s not going to.

I didn't know there was a cut off point. Think we'd been together 10 years. 2 sets of friends were well past the 5 year mark too.

As someone else said I'd rather I was proposed to because my partner wanted than feeling like they were pressured into it. If you're seriously considering end it because of a lack of shiny ring, is the relationship all that?

Propose and if he says no, re-evaluate your relationship.

Another woman who is on farting terms with her OH and yet, the timid young man (not) will not marry. Leave OP.

Why aren’t you talking about this together? It’s something that is so important to uou its relationship ending yet you’ve mentioned it three times in nearly six years? And not for a year now?

Sit him down and talk to him. Explain marriage is important to you and you wish to gauge his feelings honestly on it. Don’t take “I’m coming round to it”shit, force his honesty and be clear. Do not threaten, give him an ultimatum or any such shit, but get him to be honest.

You've been hanging round for twelve years, paper? I really hope you've already had kids or got together with him when you were 14 or something, if you ever want kids. And if you do and live with him, I hope you have a good job, because unmarried partners have very few rights.

Marriage proposals aside, do you feel that he adores you? It’s only worth spending your life with someone who thinks you are the dogs bollocks. Don’t settle for any less.

I've known 2 people who were in the same situation as you,in both the rings appeared but the boyfriend then cheated on her and made sure she found out.

Why are you so swept along by family& friends needling you has he asked yet
He’s not compelled to marry you.so if he doesn’t ask that’s up to him
So, you have to decide do you want to remain unmarried or is it a dealbreaker?
So stay with him,potentially unmarried.or if it’s an absolute yiu split up meet a man who’ll marry you

I know two stories in similar situations, both ended happily, but needed some clear non-emotional 'tough love' first.

Friend A (Teacher) dating another teacher in private prep boarding school for ages. No joint purchased house, as both had accommodation provided. Been together for several years. Boyfriend (about 6 yrs older than her) had no immediate interest in committing further though. Very happy to spend all their free time together, but refused to consider anything longer term. Boyfriend had previously been engaged, but had called it off 3 weeks before wedding.

Friend A applied for, and got, job elsewhere. They did stay together, but clearly no longer seeing each other every evening. Boyfriend quite put out by this new independence, and the fact the girl he loved having around, suddenly was a bit harder to see, 90 min drive away, and seemed more independent. (Rather than in-school accommodation, Friend A rented a cottage for herself, in lovely countryside, and started seeing more of her friends.). Engaged and married within 2 years. 15 years later still very happily together, now Headmaster of another boarding prep school, 3 children, and a couple of dogs.

Friend B (London) met and fell for farming boyfriend who lived about 5 hrs drive away. After 9 months together, applied for 2 year Masters course at his nearest town. Both very happy, living together, etc, but absolutely no response from boyfriend when ever the 'long term' questions came up. Friends all joked that he was never going to agree to settle down. Three months before course ended, Friend B gave him a very clear ultimatum, but in a very laid back way. She needed to know should she be job hunting in local area, or looking back in London? No rush - she didn't need to know for a couple more months but just needed to know for planning. Then changed the subject. Boyfriend proposed within a month. Now both very happy, 16 years later, Two lovely children, never looked back.

"I made it clear I wouldn't hang around"

But then you have for another year.

Unless you are willing to set a deadline and follow it through then these sort of threats are useless.

I'm not sure why you can't just have a discussion in the New Year along the lines of marriage being really important to you and that it feels like it isn't to him. Take it from there and if needs be and it's that important to you then you have no choice but to split up.

I wouldn't propose to him either.

People ought to keep their noses out and back off, their comments are only going to add to your disappointment (and maybe even embarrassment, if these occasions go by and you don't get your proposal and they comment on that as well).

Maybe he cannot afford a ring right now? And wants to give you something really special? I've been with my man 4 years and I know full well that he wants to be engaged and get married as much as I do, but our finances are tight and there's always more important things to budget for. I'd be happy with a £20 Argos ring, but I know DP wouldn't be happy to propose with something like that and would want to give me something "better" - not that I give a shit!

I don't think it matters if you've had the 'chat' three times in 5.5 years or fifty times tbh. You've said that's what you want...How long does it take a person to make up his mind tbh...

I wouldn't be hanging around and before anyone says what's marriage going to do to change it etc... It's what OP WANTS she WANTS to be married. A modern woman who knows what she wants so she needs to be proactive enough to either go out there and get it or accept that staying with current DP may affect that life goal