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Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
speakout · 14/12/2017 23:09

I have been with my OH for 21 years.

He asked me to marry him often for the first 10 years. Now he has stopped asking.

Marriage is not important to me.

Impostress99 · 14/12/2017 23:12
  1. You are not a princess.
  2. He does not wish to marry you.
pallisers · 15/12/2017 00:46

Your interfering friends and family need to do some proper interfering. Amateurs pfft!

God no they fucking don't.

pringlecat · 15/12/2017 01:05

It sounds like you're too close to the situation to realise the obvious truth: he doesn't want to marry you.

It doesn't matter what your friends and family think; you're the one who has to live with the situation. Are you happy not ever being married? If the answer is no, you may as well end this now. Stringing things out/putting things off never makes it easier.

My ex spoke of marriage and weddings, yet never proposed. When we started looking for a house to buy, that pushed him into realising he wanted to make the big commitments - just not to me. It's surprisingly common. We were together for longer than you and your OH - my ex got engaged within 6 months of our breakup and married swiftly after that.

Sod the ultimatums. Ask him outright, and listen to his answer. If he says he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married. Don't just set another deadline for him to miss - you'll only disappoint yourself.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 01:07

What’s your driver for being married? Being blunt it’s a business transaction which affords you both more rights. Emotionally there’s no difference and I don’t think child rearing is dependent on marriage. Do you want the financial security or is it the wedding? Challenge yourself as to your motivation then reassess your need. Financial security I understand, a wedding I don’t

Ofthread · 15/12/2017 01:22

If it's important to you jack him in, I was in the same position. He's never going to ask.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 15/12/2017 01:22

I wonder if your friends and family are aware he's stringing you on a bit and not interested in getting married. I would suspect their enquiries are targeted at getting you to see this. I would take their comments as them being concerned. They probably know he's not giving you want you want from knowing what you want from life.

PinkJeggings · 15/12/2017 01:23

“I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.” After 5.5 years, you can’t have made it that clear, to be fair.

BrokenHollandaise · 15/12/2017 04:16

Someone mentioned about not being next of kin. Surely they put down who they want?

mogulfield · 15/12/2017 04:33

Op hasn’t been back in a while... as others have said, talk to him. Find out what’s going on.
It’s ok to wait 5 years in your 20s, I have some friends that did, but he’s 35 now.
Also, if his wage now includes an EXTRA 40k, I can’t see how money is a bar to marriage as he clearly earns a lot (I’m guessing 6 figures). So your job is not the issue.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 15/12/2017 04:56

Do and I had been together for 6 years on the year we got married. I didn't have a proposal as such but we discussed it.
I didn't want a ring or to be swept of my feet or any of that bollocks, we'd bought a house together a mortgage is a massive financial commitment, effectively we'd given each other 60k! and so I said shall we set I date? He said yes but before we do I need to ask your dad. He did, my dad agreed and six months later we were married.
The end.

ihavetogoshoppingnow · 15/12/2017 05:05

nooka you don’t have to be married to have your partner as your next of kin you can pick whoever you like

Reppin · 15/12/2017 05:10

Way to put the pressure on both of you. And turn something that should be really special into a tick box exercise.

mamasiz · 15/12/2017 05:13

OP, I was in a similar situation - I felt I had waited long enough and honestly was giving up hope. I didn’t want to give him an ultimatum, I wanted to be proposed to - some people don’t, fine for them, but I did and it’s not about having a princess complex. Some people, myself included don’t want to talk about getting married like they’re splitting the bill at a restaurant. You don’t know for certain that he won’t propose. My partner was never very vocal about wanting to get married. My 30th came and went and a few weeks later there was a totally out of the blue proposal on Christmas Eve. We’ve been married for 2 years, together for 9 and our first baby is due early next year. Maybe give it until after Christmas and think about whether being married to him is more important than just being together. What would marriage mean to you? What would it give you that you don’t already have? If you have an overwhelming need to be married and it just isn’t happening then maybe have a frank conversation with him and make some plans of your own. Good luck x

nooka · 15/12/2017 06:23

dh''s relative died almost 25 years ago, they became very ill very suddenly and unexpectedly and went straight into intensive care. At the time I would not have been considered his next of kin. I see from googling that hospitals are now more flexible, and you can nominate a next of kin pretty much of your choice but in cases where there is no time to nominate a next of kin it can still be contentious. You can get around this by carrying a next of kin card but if you are married it's very clear cut.

tabbycatbythesea · 15/12/2017 06:39

I’ve never been a fan of Proposals on valentines/birthdays/christmas. To me it’s like “hey I couldn’t think what else to get you so here’s a ring!”...,
Perhaps he’s fed up with his family/friends going on too?
To be honest, I work in the wedding industry and not many of our couples have the big proposals any more, it’s more a practical conversation. I don’t blame you holding on for the romance though Smile

goodbyeeee · 15/12/2017 07:33

This all sounds very childish and desperately nerdy to me.

He might just not want to get married full stop. That's fair enough. If it's a deal breaker for you then that's a matter for you to act on. Not pressure him and turn it into a "thing" with your friends and family.

Just tell him that marriage is what you want and that if he doesn't want that he needs to tell you. Then you can make your own decision. If it means having to stand on your own two feet financially so be it. He's not your cash cow.

Personally I don't understand this need to be proposed to and "engaged" etc. It smacks of needing a man to validate you. Get some self respect and live the life you want to live. You can't force him into marrying you but you can decide that it's a deal breaker for you and make this crystal clear.

goodbyeeee · 15/12/2017 07:33

*needy

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2017 07:46

I honestly don't get this "waiting" business as if your life is somehow on hold or something until you're married. And dumping someone you love and who makes you happy in favour of the chance of finding someone else who you love and makes you happy and who wants to get married just seems insane!

goodbyeeee · 15/12/2017 07:48

Betrand has it. As usual.

OhHolyJesus · 15/12/2017 07:55

I was in a very very similar situation and he proposed two months before my cut off date.

It's really horrible, I also didn't want to do the proposing but had a real sense that nothing would change and I would have to leave him even though he made me so happy, but being married was/is really important to me and I don't think that is being old fashioned it's just how I feel about commitment.

Honestly, I would make preparations to leave then have a big talk and see. He may surprise you, he may not but you can make a choice.

As for the family and friends interest - just tell them the questions and comments make it harder for you.

Another story - a friend got her desperately wanted proposal and they broke up before the wedding as he really didn't want to get married and felt pressure to propose.

She watched a lot of 'He's just not that into you' for months afterwards.

It's really tough I hope you find what you're looking for xx

RaindropsAndSparkles · 15/12/2017 08:05

The thing I don't understand if a woman wants to be married very much is: why move in, why buy a property together, why have a child if there's no prospect of a marriage. As my grandma used to say "no point having the key to the toy shop if It's empty".

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 08:05

goodbyeeee what a horrible attitude. It's not needy to want to get married.

Laiste · 15/12/2017 08:08

bertrand doesn't 'have it' at all Hmm

They've simply pointed out their own preferences and stated they don't understand any other point of view.

goodbyeeee · 15/12/2017 08:11

I'm not intending to be horrible but the solution is in her hands.

At the moment shes giving him all the control. Rather than wait around for him to do something I just think she needs to act on what she really wants rather than wait for him to align himself with what she wants.

I'm afraid it does come across as needy to me to be so desperate for him to propose to her that it's become a major "thing" for her and her family and friends. If being married is more important than being with someone you love and who makes you happy but doesn't want to get married then you have a choice to make. But she needs to make it rather than wait for him to make it for her.