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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at photos at Nativity?

758 replies

MrsAnamCara · 14/12/2017 15:45

Just seen DC infant nativity. We were sent out letters, went to the office yo get tickets, had texts to remind people-all fine and well. No mention of needing permission to take photos/videos. Nothing mentioned before the start of the actual nativity performance either. The performance starts and several people whip their phones out and begin taking photos and videos but not of individual children, of all of the children on stage. It goes on throughout the performance and I can see in their view finder they are filming/recording video of 5+ children... A parent the right if the school Hall is stood filming the entire performance.

No one said they weren't allowed to but...neither was the guardian or parent of every single child asked either.

In my D's nursery, they asked for written permission, and if only one parent didn't give permission then no one was allowed to take photos or videos. Even if we were allowed, then it was photos and videos of your child only (zoom in) and if there were other children then you couldn't post it on social media and send to anyone else.

It really ruined the performance for me, as I don't know these people who are taking videos/photos of my child, I don't know where they will post them or send them to, I don't know who will see that photo or video. I did not give anyone permission to take his photo or record him?

I'm I being unreasonable to think the school should have asked for legal written permission for all children's parents or guardian's? And if some parents don't agree or give permission then that's too bad.

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 14/12/2017 16:13

Also, I'm sorry but I absolutely disagree that because you don't want your child photographed/ filmed for some frankly strange reason, every other parent and child should suffer!

Completely selfish attitude

Yes, how selfish of people wanting to protect children and their families from harm.

PrincessoftheSea · 14/12/2017 16:14

Presumably people see your children out and about or do they use masks like Michael Jackson's children?

IvorBiggun · 14/12/2017 16:14

Missed the massive drip feed Hmm

Op you have safeguarding concern so you need to be proactive and go and speak to the school.

StinkPickle · 14/12/2017 16:15

Does your child walk down the street in a hood?

What do you think will happen if someone sees their face either in person or in a photo?

Thehairthebod · 14/12/2017 16:15

Thanks for the support and helpful comments. My father abused me as a child and I've been NC for 18 months, I've hidden my 4 year old away from him for obvious reasons. He doesn't know what school he goes to.

Wowzers, that is quite the drip feed there. I am sorry you have been through that though, that sounds horrible.

Are the school aware of this situation? Have you told them that your DS cannot be in any photos? Because if you have and they still went ahead with this then that is a different matter entirely. It really is worth getting up to speed with the schools policy on this and what you have and haven't give permission for.

At my school in this situation we say that parents can't take photos during the performance but they can at the end, when we will discreetly remove any children who cannot be photographed.

But honestly most schools have the policy you outlined in the OP unless they are specifically given other information.

lljkk · 14/12/2017 16:15

You don't own your child's image... anyone could take a picture of you or your DC as you walk down the street.

Concentrate on things that cause known harm, not hypothetical?

A few kids have died while attending our school. One affected parent was very keenly asking all the others for film or pics of last nativity play her son was in; she wanted every last image she could get of her deceased son. Nice that many people had something to share.

VerticalBlinds · 14/12/2017 16:15

This is the norm - I assume you have checked the policies and stuff.

Ours they say before each performance you can photo / video but please no sharing to social media.

If there was a child/ren for whom it posed a risk then they would say none at all please and you can have pic of your child at the end or something.

I find society getting more and more "me and mine is all that matters" although maybe it's me getting older, but comments like this really take the biscuit:

"Nobody cares about your child apart from you."

In which case why do people donate to children's charities, great ormond street, why do we bother with childline? Why make a fuss when children are abused in care homes, or sports teams, if our own aren't directly affected?

Apart from the fact that many children do in fact have more people who care about them that just their mum. Dads, grandparents, siblings, even schoolteachers, family friends, and people who are not directly related, can and do care about children.

What a vision of a world - oh look that toddler has run away from its mum and is going to dart into the road. Shall I catch it and save it being run over? No fuck it why should I - I don't care about any children but my own.

What a tremendous outlook. And one I don't think is even true - so to whoever wrote that - no not everyone thinks like you do and thank fuck for that.

lljkk · 14/12/2017 16:16

Almighty xpost....

ilovesooty · 14/12/2017 16:16

Memories are not as important as safeguarding.

RoseWhiteTips · 14/12/2017 16:16

Some people just cannot help themselves. Been to a big art gallery, recently? Usually you are surrounded by tourists - mainly - snapping everything frantically in case they miss anything.

Sirzy · 14/12/2017 16:17

We sign a generic photo consent form at the start of the year.

At plays we are allowed to take photos but not share photos with other children on without consent from their parents - most get around it with a bit of cropping or some emojis placed over others.

JacquesHammer · 14/12/2017 16:17

Presumably people see your children out and about or do they use masks like Michael Jackson's children?

There was a massively at risk child at DD's school. He didn't go on school trips. He changed into non-uniform before leaving school so he couldn't be traced to a school. We had a policy in place for immediate removal of child to a safe place.

So no. Poor kid didn't get out much

lljkk · 14/12/2017 16:17

I hope OP is getting good therapy so that if her abusive parent turns up she can chase him away firmly, ring the police, etc.

Original poster
MrsAnamCara · 14/12/2017 16:18

I don't mind people taking photos of their own children, just not mine and if there are other children then blur them out or don't put onto social media.

There was no mention of 'please don't put videos or photos that include other children other then your own on social media' which would have been good.

OP posts:
IvorBiggun · 14/12/2017 16:18

You’re right VerticalBinds. The concept of a collective social responsibility is becoming rarer.

Some people are too stupid to realise that what benefits someone else also benefits them either directly or indirectly.

Trb17 · 14/12/2017 16:19

Standard practice here is that School states if any parent objects to let them know. Then if no objection is received it’s fine to photograph or film. With the caveat however that you are not to share images of other children online. Only share pictures with your child only in them (cropped etc). Seems fairer as to get the whole School to write in would be absurd but to anyone who is bothered they can inject and put a stop to it. Simple and always worked great in our schools.

Trb17 · 14/12/2017 16:20

*object not inject. Stupid autocorrect!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2017 16:20

But for those children who are not fostered/no instances of abuse in family/no non contact with family;
What actual difference does it make to their lives if a photo of them fully clothed in a nativity play is shared amongst umpteen people with slack settings?
Op, I'm sorry that you suffered abuse, as others have said, I'd go in to school and make sure they are fully aware your child is not to be photographed by anyone.

Sirzy · 14/12/2017 16:20

The difference between photos at a school event and photos out and about generally is school event photos make a child easily traceable which for most children isn’t a problem but for those at risk it can be a massive problem

IvorBiggun · 14/12/2017 16:20

I don't mind people taking photos of their own children, just not mine

Then you need to take some responsibility and go to the school and discuss it with them. In my children’s schools the Heads would take it extremely seriously and be active in protecting your child... but you have to do your bit and tell them.

Thehairthebod · 14/12/2017 16:21

But if safeguarding is an issue for a child then schools will have a protocol in place whereby the parents can still take some photos (at the end or whatever) but the child in question is still protected.

I may be wrong but I get the feeling that the OP hasn't informed the school of her situation regards to photos of her DS at school events where parents are present? If she has and the school still did this then that is a rather serious safeguarding breach on the part of the school.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/12/2017 16:22

So you need to take it up with the school.

SmileChuck · 14/12/2017 16:22

I agree with you.
It's horrible for the kids on stage too.

Mia1415 · 14/12/2017 16:22

59 parents are happy for their child to be photographed, and 1 doesn't. So 59 families have to loose out (permanently - as you can never get those memories back)?

Just to stress I'm saying these pictures are for personal use only, I'm not saying they should be put on social media and that should be made clear.

OP - I'm very sorry for your personal situation, and I'd suggest you speak to the school to make it clear that pictures should not be shared.

IvorBiggun · 14/12/2017 16:23

Just as an aside it’s very rare for a nativity to have children in uniform. It’s usually a sea of animal onsies, tea towels and old table cloths and curtains repurposed into outfits.

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