For crying out loud, I'm not snobby! Or am I?!

[NoBreakNoProblem]

I moved to this area a year or so ago to be closer to work. It's a predominantly a working-class neighbourhood (nothing against the working class, BTW, my parents were ones - it's just a description). Except I tried so many times to be friends with the neighbours and other parents at my child's school. Everything goes perfectly fine and pleasant until they learn about what I did for living.

It usually goes like that: what do you do? Ah, well...I'm an academic researcher/university lecturer. Then, almost every time, a deafening silence follows! Almost always, they try to avoid speaking with me afterwards. Some even stopped saying 'hi' - including the parents of my child's best friends (they came to my house a couple of times before).

For the love of God, I'm not the 'elitist' snob they think I am. Take for example this, the other day the plumber came to fix something in our house. We were chatting and having a laugh for nearly an hour. As soon as he learned what I did, his attitude changed completely and started to stonewall me by being 'too formal'. It's either they don't understand what I do, hence the silence, or think I'm that educated snob similar to those posh snobs who have driven the country's working-class into the gutter. Then again, why the stonewalling and the avoidance? I don't really speak philosophy or political science to them.

I never ever experienced this before - until I moved into this area.

Please tell me what's going on?!

[Message edited by MNHQ]

The working classes in the gutter comment is 😱

I bet you are a left wing remainer

What?! Eh?!

I grew up assuming that working class meant you worked. Middle class was when you didn't have to work (maybe passive income from investments or properties) and upper class is like old wealth, family lineage, titles.

But clearly a lot of people have different ideas about what constitutes working class? Class is such a weird concept anyway, like it's there but you can't really see or touch it or define it. It's not just about your income or job surely or anyone who's managed to go from NMW to a well paid professional job would be seen to be middle class. I wonder if it's the sort of thing that takes generations to change. My partner and I are working class who've been the first to go to uni, get decent jobs and don't live in poverty like our parents did. But we're working class. If we had kids however, and all they ever knew was going to uni and earning well and being financially secure, perhaps they'd be considered middle class?

Oh dear god If that's the case Op a thousand apologies. Thanks Jesse.

Most of us don’t base friendships on someone’s job

Maybe not, but some people definitely base friendships on income. At least they do where I live. I was frozen out of my NCT group because DH and I didn't earn enough so we just didn't fit in, and at the time we were earning close to 6 figures between us which is a fortune to most people, I kid you not.

Anyone who has a job is working class in my eyes. You go to work, you're working class

I agree - the distinction between "working" and "middle" makes no sense at all. If you need to work to keep a roof over your head, you're working class, if there is indeed such a thing.

I see the OP's point about the defensive posts, there is a rush to belittle and attack the OP and you have to wonder why. Then you realise it's just AIBU, so same old.

I would say 'I work at the university'

Curious people will ask more and that's when you say 'I teach'

I also thought lecturer sounds too close to lecherous - and not many know what an academic does. We see it as a negative personality trait.

I think there is more to it than just you mentioning your job. If you feel it's causing issues, you could always just say you work in a university, you don't have to name your job role.

I get it. I’m not saying what I do. Like someone says above just minimise it. I work in teaching or such like. It might be that when talking about your work you subconsciously become more formal etc which adds to the intimidation factor of those types of jobs.

I'm an academic researcher

Herein lies your problem. Potentially people don't know what that means. At one extreme, they may even think you are trying to find out how their children are doing at school (if to them the term "academic" equals school). This may be why they find you intimidating. You need to say "Oh, I work at the university". Anyone interested or with more knowledge on the subject will press you for details.

Same with many jobs. If I said I used to run a long/short global small cap active equity fund, people would look at me blankly. If I said I used to work investing pension money, they would know what I meant.

@whiskyowl

Yes, absolutely. It goes both ways. A friend of mine, a highly skilled and intelligent guy, was refused a job mainly because his 'Yorkshire' accent ..."didn't just hit the spot..." They clearly wanted somebody who spoke out of their nose.

@Eltonjohnssyrup

Please look at the previous comments. Some the folks here explained what that phrase 'gutter' actually meant.

I found this class calculator on the BBC website

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22000973

It seems to base what class you are on your income, savings, rent v mortgage, what type of jobs the people you know socially have, and what activities you enjoy doing. I got solidly middle class, presumably because I go to a lot of classical music concerts! 😂

ilovecoffee, i have had this experience as well. If you had this and you and your dh were also high earners, then there is little hope for mankind really. I can see why it happens, but doesnt make it right. I despair at times i really do!

I bet it's in the way you say it....

If someone just casually said to me "I'm a lecturer" you'd be like. "Ok, that's cool"

I can say that confidently as a mum in my DDs class is a lecturer and that's how it went down. I then asked her what in, and she told me.

No different to when another mum told me she works in a supermarket and I asked her which one.

You must be delivering the information in a way which makes people feel like that can't respond.....

@NataliaOsipova

Good point. Noted!

I'd love to join in this conversation but I've been stunned into silence.

Just say "I work at the uni" if you anticipate an issue.

I’m disgusted that people are suggesting that you dumb down your job title. Why should you?
I would want to ask questions.

Ah, I think you're labouring under a number of misconceptions. Most people don't consider being a lecturer/academic to be 'high up, pretentious or stunning'.
Most communication is body language so I'm guessing you're either conveying that you expect a negative response or conveying that you expect them to be stunned at your 'high up' role. Your expectation is creating the issue and closing down the conversation.

My dh and I are working class and proud of being brought up as such with parents that were also in this ' bracket' - i know lots of people with similar upbringings and now consider themselves to be ' middle class' they really are not this at all, but i let them get on with it!

It's generally known for being poorly paid and a bit dull isn't it? Like a less qualified teacher?

Ahem, Bubble, I agree that the OP comes across as a bit of a dick, but as a fellow academic, I do take some issue with 'less qualified'. Most teachers have an undergraduate degree plus PGCE. Nearly all academics have undergraduate, masters, PhD plus a higher education teaching qualification. Just thought I would mention that it is by no means less qualified. It is pretty dull sometimes though.

Ah, I think you're labouring under a number of misconceptions. Most people don't consider being a lecturer/academic to be 'high up, pretentious or stunning'.

Some people do. Some people react badly to a non-local accent. Some people react badly to a well spoken accent. Some people are afflicted with inverse snobbery or are intimidated by non-issues. There's a whole mix of people out there.

@KateAdiesEarrings

I see what where you're coming from. But those 'avoiders' used to be very friendly up until that point of 'revelation'. My attitude was consistent before and after. I'm quite casual and have little regard for 'formal' or 'prestige' - which ironically causes me some issues with the real 'pretentious' colleagues at work. You never win, do you?