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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For crying out loud, I'm not snobby! Or am I?!

564 replies

NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:13

I moved to this area a year or so ago to be closer to work. It's a predominantly a working-class neighbourhood (nothing against the working class, BTW, my parents were ones - it's just a description). Except I tried so many times to be friends with the neighbours and other parents at my child's school. Everything goes perfectly fine and pleasant until they learn about what I did for living.

It usually goes like that: what do you do? Ah, well...I'm an academic researcher/university lecturer. Then, almost every time, a deafening silence follows! Almost always, they try to avoid speaking with me afterwards. Some even stopped saying 'hi' - including the parents of my child's best friends (they came to my house a couple of times before).

For the love of God, I'm not the 'elitist' snob they think I am. Take for example this, the other day the plumber came to fix something in our house. We were chatting and having a laugh for nearly an hour. As soon as he learned what I did, his attitude changed completely and started to stonewall me by being 'too formal'. It's either they don't understand what I do, hence the silence, or think I'm that educated snob similar to those posh snobs who have driven the country's working-class into the gutter. Then again, why the stonewalling and the avoidance? I don't really speak philosophy or political science to them.

I never ever experienced this before - until I moved into this area.

Please tell me what's going on?!

[Message edited by MNHQ]

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:39

Ooops posted too soon - doing every single thing they can to avoid them, from avoiding certain postcodes, to selectively educating their children.

The80sweregreat · 14/12/2017 10:40

I would love to chat to a brain surgeon or a lecturer - but I think they would hear my essex accent and the fact that i am just ordinary and
not that highly skilled or educated and probably not want to speak to me either.
I have had experience of this when we lived in a very nice area once ( renting with my dh's job for a few years) people wouldnt even speak to us as my dh was an 'ordinary' engineer and earned less than 6 figures or wasnt a retired judge or lawyer or in property or anything that they would deem alright for them to warrant them speaking to me! It can work in reverse as well.

Anatidae · 14/12/2017 10:40

I just used to say I worked in cancer research. Never had a problem, never had anything but positive responses. Also resoundingly WC origins but very neutral accent these days due to years of living abroad.

I would tentatively suggest that if you’re getting this response repeatedly then there is likely to be an issue with either what you’re saying or how you’re saying it.

The working class by the way are not some monolithic unwashed horde. We are human beings. Not apart from you.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/12/2017 10:40

Without meaning to be offensive, I can't see many people being stunned into silence at the revelation you are a lecturer.

This.

I also don't understand why you just don't say you're a teacher. That would be the logical solution, given your array of concerns.

Clawdy · 14/12/2017 10:40

Like others on here, I would have said "I work at the uni."

CrossFreelancer · 14/12/2017 10:41

Say, "I am a teacher at x university"

For example if I said "I'm a teacher at the university" sounds less pretentious than "I am a university lecturer/academic".

Occasionally when I tell people what I do, they act differently afterwards and it feels like they are thinking "yeah right... Pie in the sky" So I bend the truth a bit and play it down.

SpartonDregs · 14/12/2017 10:41

I'm fully aware there's perhaps a knowledge gap

I have 4 degrees, been director and senior management at large training organisations, and yet the best job I ever had was gardening. Knowledge gap? Who the fuck do you think you are?

Without meaning to be offensive, I can't see many people being stunned into silence at the revelation you are a lecturer.

Yes. True.

Hoppinggreen · 14/12/2017 10:41

I’m university educated, a company Director and “well spoken”
I have friends from all walks of life - Accountants, Business owners, single parents who work as carers, retail workers, waitresses.
I am also very pally with my Plumber and gardener.
Sorry OP unless you live somewhere very unusual I think it must be you

theymademejoin · 14/12/2017 10:41

Based on posts on mn, there seems to be a huge level of class consciousness in the UK. I live in ireland and am a university lecturer. I have never had any problems like that. I recently had some great conversations with our plasterer about my work. Reason being, I presume he knows what I'm talking about and he's either interested or not. He was, we chatted. We also chatted about his work as I was interested in that. If he was an accountant ( apologies to the pp who's an accountant) there is no way I would have discussed his work as I would have no interest.

Parents at the school are a very mixed bunch in terms of demographics. I've never had any issues there either. Plenty of people I've nothing in common with but that group includes people from all walks and has nothing to do with "class".

I think just talk to people, if they ask, tell them you're a lecturer. If they show no interest, move the conversation on top something else.

MuggaTea · 14/12/2017 10:41

I'm an academic researcher with a southern accent, living in a working class area in the north.

I have never been made to feel snobbish.

maybe its just you.

Original poster
NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:41

Yes, agreed. Toning down the job title will probably be the way to go. Guys, it's really not that 'high up' pretentious stuff as some think it is. Sometimes it's a totally shit job!

@whiskyowl

I live near Portsmouth.

@VladmirsPoutine

Nope, we don't get paid enough to be posh. A builder, a plumber, or heating engineer most certainly earn more than I do.

'Obtuse' is relative, depending on where you're standing.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:41

I don't think OP intended "in the gutter" to be derogatory. I read it as short-hand for saying that the poor have been made comparatively poorer by the policies of a middle class elite over the last 30 years, which is pretty undeniable when you look at the stats on inequality. It's not a marker of some kind of sneery social superiority to see that this is happening and to feel bad for those worst affected.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 14/12/2017 10:42

I'm middle class, DHL is working class, and I find your comments patronising.

ephemeralfairy · 14/12/2017 10:42

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride op. People make assumptions about jobs. I'm a librarian and people always say stuff like 'oh that must be such a relaxing job, just looking at books in the quiet all day, not like real work at all really...' Well no actually today I sang and danced with forty toddlers, cleaned up some piss and then helped someone fill in their PIP assessment form (but that's a whole other rant...)
I get what you mean by knowledge gap, there's a massive one between me and my friend who is a mathematician, and between us and our other friend who is an electrician. I suppose the term knowledge gap in itself is a bit 'snobby' but I know what you mean.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:42

Where in the north, though MuggaTea - I never got this in York or Durham. I do get it in Sheffield.

Bubblebubblepop · 14/12/2017 10:43

Ireland is a much less snobby country. It's more pleasant and richer as a result.

SpartonDregs · 14/12/2017 10:43

It's really not that 'high up' pretentious stuff as some I think it is.

Corrected that for you.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 14/12/2017 10:43

I should also say that DF is upper class and DH's best friend!

rightsofwomen · 14/12/2017 10:43

What do you do?

Me: I'm a scientist
Or
Me: I'm an editor for a scientific journal

Based on their response I am more than happy to expand and talk about what I do. I do often say that it's pretty specific and I find it hard to explain without knowing whether someone has a scientific background. I don't hide the fact I'm educated if someone asks, but I am also clear to say that I love my job and I'm very lucky to be doing what I do.

OR I could say "I am a bioinformatician of genomic data in the field of biomedical research", which just sounds twatty unless I am at a work conference!

Bubblebubblepop · 14/12/2017 10:44

I don't think is posh at all OP and suspect most people don't. It's generally known for being poorly paid and a bit dull isn't it? Like a less qualified teacher?

newtlover · 14/12/2017 10:44

what others have said, I live in a university town and if you said 'Oh, I work at the uni' in reply to a question you might easily be a cleaner or a shop worker. Lots of people aren't realy interested in other people's jobs, it's just making conversation, so you could easily give an honest but brief answer and then move on to something of mutual interest.
so what do you do?
Oh, I work at the uni. Did you get the letter about the school play? Ours got lost and I'm not sure of the date

Or,

Oh, I work at the uni. What about you? It's not easy to find hours that fit round the kids, is it?

If you told me you worked at the university, I'd be asking what dept, what your research area was etc etc because I'm nosy and familiar with academia. But not everyone is like me. Trust me if they are interested they will ask, if not they only want the bare minimum of info.

Ivymaud · 14/12/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theymademejoin · 14/12/2017 10:45

I don't understand people suggesting you say you work at the uni or that you're a teacher. If someone is going to treat you poor because of your job, you probably won't have much in common with them anyway. Just say you're a lecturer.

Totally agree with the posters saying no one is likely to be stunned at meeting a lecturer.

Original poster
NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:46

@whiskyowl This is what I mean, indeed.

OP posts:
Charitygirl1 · 14/12/2017 10:46

Just say you work at the university. That’s what I would do.