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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For crying out loud, I'm not snobby! Or am I?!

564 replies

NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:13

I moved to this area a year or so ago to be closer to work. It's a predominantly a working-class neighbourhood (nothing against the working class, BTW, my parents were ones - it's just a description). Except I tried so many times to be friends with the neighbours and other parents at my child's school. Everything goes perfectly fine and pleasant until they learn about what I did for living.

It usually goes like that: what do you do? Ah, well...I'm an academic researcher/university lecturer. Then, almost every time, a deafening silence follows! Almost always, they try to avoid speaking with me afterwards. Some even stopped saying 'hi' - including the parents of my child's best friends (they came to my house a couple of times before).

For the love of God, I'm not the 'elitist' snob they think I am. Take for example this, the other day the plumber came to fix something in our house. We were chatting and having a laugh for nearly an hour. As soon as he learned what I did, his attitude changed completely and started to stonewall me by being 'too formal'. It's either they don't understand what I do, hence the silence, or think I'm that educated snob similar to those posh snobs who have driven the country's working-class into the gutter. Then again, why the stonewalling and the avoidance? I don't really speak philosophy or political science to them.

I never ever experienced this before - until I moved into this area.

Please tell me what's going on?!

[Message edited by MNHQ]

OP posts:
Original poster
NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:27

@LilQueenie

A 'knowledge gap' in the academic sense, I mean. I personally don't have a clue about 'DIY' or maths, for instance, and that for people in those fields is considered a knowledge gap.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 14/12/2017 10:27

Use different words so they don't feel 'put off/whatever their issue is.
Instead of 'researcher/lecturer' just say " i teach/am a teacher at university".
Same thing but sounds less 'threatening' (for want of a better word).

The80sweregreat · 14/12/2017 10:28

I would be so interested and ask you questions i'm afraid - I'm a bit of an under achiever in life and i enjoy chatting and speaking to people that are not, but that is just me!
I can imagine that maybe people are just a bit stonewalled by it? what can i have in common with someone who is obviously highly skilled? I would do as hellsbells above suggests, just say you teach and leave it at that. People can relate to someone being a teacher.

RestingGrinchFace · 14/12/2017 10:28

People are like that here to an extent. If you are an outsider (we definitely are, husband is brown, I am forgein, brother of us grew up here, completely different upbringing/education to the majority of people who live here, difference accent) then you have to be extra charming at first, then once they see that you are alright there are no problems. If the area is quite homogenous they may just view you as being a bit different, it may be worth trying to find sonething in common with them beyond your children.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2017 10:28

I'm fully aware there's perhaps a knowledge gap,... - yep, you'll be coming across as an intellectual snob.

Remember, if one person has a problem with you it's probably them - if several people have a problem with you it's probably you.

Bubblebubblepop · 14/12/2017 10:29

I think your post is really strange, and wonder if you're being a big paranoid? Maybe they just think it's a boring job and don't know what to say about it? I have a boring job and experience this too.

Btw if your parents are working class why do you think you're not? Being middle class isn't something you can gain by having a certain job Hmm

LemonysSnicket · 14/12/2017 10:29

And people know what a knowledge gap is. I think they were insulted because you don’t have to actually have a degree to know a lot about a subject ( though it’s sure to help).

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 14/12/2017 10:29

Maybe it’s something else. Do you think you come across snobby in any other way? Most of us don’t base friendships on someone’s job. Neither do most of us feel intimidated by a more academic or higher paid job. We’ve got a checkout operator and a lawyer in our close group. I think you may be overthinking it.

LemonysSnicket · 14/12/2017 10:30

@Bubblebubblepop that’s exactly what being middle class is ... having a degree, being a doctor or lawyer, these are what define you as middle class. Your employment ... how did you think it worked ?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/12/2017 10:31

My husband is a builder and has a degree from a top Irish University...

Thegirlinthefireplace · 14/12/2017 10:31

Sorry but yes, you do sound snobby, as you asked.

MargoLovebutter · 14/12/2017 10:31

Just say you work part-time at the university and see if that makes a difference. If it does, then you know it was your job title putting people off, if it doesn't make a difference, then you may need to consider something else.

museumum · 14/12/2017 10:31

I would just say to a plumber or similar “I work up at the uni”.

I think saying you’re “an academic” is like signalling that you’re not admin or support staff and that you are “different” and makes things awkward.
If someone then said “what do you do there” I’d say mostly research and a bit of teaching.

Bubblebubblepop · 14/12/2017 10:31

No lemony that's socio economic grouping. Class in the traditional sense is different.

Creambun2 · 14/12/2017 10:32

lemony you are deluded if you don't think your background contributes to your class.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:33

Where are you OP?

I experienced this when I moved up north from the south. Never had it previously. I even once heard a 12 year old say "Ooh, get her accent, she things she's FOOKING TOFF", which upset me in a grossly disproportionate way to the actual offence. It is a kind of reverse prejudice. It does exist.

I do a similar job to you, and live in a similar kind of area too. It does get better - you just have to pour a lot of energy out into being positive, approaching people, and showing them you are OK and don't think you're "better than them". It can be quite nerve-wracking if you're not a hugely outgoing, confident person though (I'm certainly not). I get on really well with all my neighbours now.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/12/2017 10:33

I didn't think a lecturer was all that posh tbh. Say a brain surgeon then perhaps you'd have a point Grin
But you do come across as being a bit wilfully obtuse - you moved to a 'working class' area and you have nothing against them because your parents were 'working class'. You really need to get over yourself.

Ivymaud · 14/12/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:34

@The80sweregreat

I wouldn't really call it 'highly skilled', it's just different. I get easily impressed by people who are good with their hands. And I think of them as 'highly skilled' Smile

@RestingGrinchFace

'Homogenous' is perhaps the key. Thank you!

OP posts:
Waitingonasmile · 14/12/2017 10:36

Without meaning to be offensive, I can't see many people being stunned into silence at the revelation you are a lecturer.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 14/12/2017 10:36

Maybe the deafening silence is because you aren't as clever as you like to think you are and they're struggling to believe what you tell them...

Ivymaud · 14/12/2017 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:38

Also, when you see and hear the immense class snobbery that does exist in this country - and that is evidenced every single day by multitudes of posters on this very site - it's sad, but not really surprising, that folks leap to conclusions about all middle class people. There are plenty of middle class people not only making those assumptions about the working classes, but actively doing every single thing they can to avoid them.

Bubblebubblepop · 14/12/2017 10:39

MN is only pretend middle class though. In a world where shopping at Waitrose and having a degree make you middle class.

DB24 · 14/12/2017 10:39

I'm that educated snob similar to those posh snobs who have driven the country's working-class into the gutter

This is the problem.

You differentiate between yourself and the people who live near you. This is displayed by the way you refer to their class as being different from yours. You then go on to say them at class is 'in the gutter'. People will pick up on the superiority complex and it won't endear you. Funny that.