To ask when you started having Xmas at your own home?

[Username7654321]

This is first Xmas for us with a baby and I'd quite like to spend it with just DH and DC.

MIL however would be livid - she loves to do the whole shebang (which I am really not into). DH will just go along with what she plans.

So at what point did you stop going to parents/in-laws for Xmas and have your own? How did they take it? When did you tell them? Did anyone's partners/husbands/wives not want to and you had to battle for it?

When our son was around 2, we both wanted to not move for Christmas, before then we went to my mom, now she comes to us instead with her husband and my youngest brother, I think she even likes that better so it worked out well :p

We spent our first Christmas with children at my inlaws - staying overnight for several nights with hundreds of people because MIL insisted we all be crammed together rather than be comfortable staying in alternative accommodation nearby. Now we have three children it’s too difficult to travel at Christmas time, so we alternate between hosting Christmas here or going to visit my siblings for lunch (they live just up the road). Do what you want to do - you should not be made to travel with DC at Christmas if you don’t want to. They can drop in to see you if they wish.

The thought of saying to my (late) mother, or to DH's mother that they're not welcome to join us on Christmas Day makes me feel a bit heartsick.

Gosh, people are different, aren't they.

We are at home but MIL is coming to us as usual, it would be pretty mean to not invite her. We used to go to hers for Christmas Day, but the first Christmas after FIL died she came to us, having only just been discharged from hospital

The only Christmas since we didn't have her was a few years later when we went instead to visit her in hospital.

We see my parents after, I would like to see them Christmas Day but they live 3hrs drive away and I couldn't leave MIL on her own. The one year we went down to my parents later on Christmas Day.

I've done Christmas lunch since before we got married - mostly at our house but due to family illnesses I've cooked at my mums and cooked at my in laws. Now I have no choice .... both mums have died, my dad has died so I do Christmas for my fil, my kids and dh and sometimes his brother and family too. Don't make a big deal out of where ... but rather with whom .... and be grateful to have people in your lives who want to spend time with you ... you never know how long you've got them

We alternate - our house, my parents, our house, my parents-in-law. Then start the cycle again. On the years it's our go, we have both sets of grandparents to ours. We started when DD1 was three & we had enough bedrooms to fit everyone in. Set a routine. Then everyone knows where they stand years in advance & and can plan for their years off.

Maybe some parents don't actually want to visit their adult children at Christmas and would be perfectly happy to stay in their own homes? My mother once let it slip that she and DF found it quite an ordeal to have to join in 'a boisterous, family Christmas' when they were quite content with their own company and being 'home alone'- which meant peace and quiet .

Dd is 3 and this is our first year just the 3 of us. I have never spent Christmas away from my mum but hopefully it will be lovely!

Why would you want to keep a grandparent away from a grandchild at Christmas? Very selfish.

My DM is like this. It's our first Christmas with dd and she's given us no choice but to drive 45 minutes with a 6 month old who screams in the car to be at hers for Christmas day. I was called "selfish" by suggesting they come to us Christmas morning. I'm already feeling anxious and stressed about the journey with screaming dd.

It's not even as if my mum would then help with dd when we get there. She is a what I call "show nana", it's all for pictures and for other people to think "wow she's a great nan". When in reality the second dd stops being smiley and happy she doesn't want to know.

Next year we will be doing exactly what we want. And every year after that.

I have never spent Christmas anywhere other than my own home since my marriage 30 plus years ago. We often invited our parents to spend Christmas with us, and they often accepted, but sometimes they chose to stay home.

My adult children sometimes come to us for Christmas, but just as often it is just DH and me now. I prefer a quiet Christmas. This year we will have a crowd, which is fine every now and then but I don't want to do it every year.

This will be our third Christmas in our own home and I still feel a tiny bit guilty. We used to spend the day at my parents along with dbro, dsis and her DS and while there wasn't anything awful about it, the day just tended to be a bit flat really. My parents love the idea of having all the family round at Christmas and especially their dgc (it's all about the children they'll say) but in reality they don't really want to put much effort in. It's very much the day as they want it which means sitting about waiting ages for dinner which may be intended for say 2pm but could be 2.20 or more likely could be 3.45! And potato and veg will be fine for the 40% of people who don't eat meat right? Yep, that'd be us . Bring a dish you say? That's not allowed! And no you can't help, you're just in the way...

Their house isn't the most child friendly for example they'd never put away the ornaments that are on low tables yet the dc won't be allowed to go play upstairs . Also, the day is structured around the bloody soaps! Corrie, eastenders and emmerdale, some of them are on twice ffs!

So yeah, I got to thinking that actually while the dc are still young enough to find it all magical, it'd be nice to do Christmas our way. They could all come to us and would be very welcome, we're only a 20 min drive away and actually have more room but nope! I suspect dsis would like to as it would be more relaxed but she'd feel too guilty.

I regret not doing this as soon as first dc came along. I think if we had they would have been more willing to come to us as they'd have wanted to be around the baby/toddler. We let it go too long and it became an established practice and now they're more set in their ways I reckon they'd only come to us if dsis informed them that she and dn were.

Well that was long and I've made them sound awful they're really not ! They're just a bit set in their ways...

With a week to go till Christmas, go with it and get it out of the way. Arrange a day to chill with your mum.

Set expectations now for next year when your baby will be ripping open stuff and playing. If DH wants a roast, he can cook it!

Before I had DS I always went to DMs for the day and usually boxing day too. I have much younger siblings who still live at 'home', and they have a bigger house than I do, so it made sense for us to spend the day there. DM and I always shared cooking duties though.
Since settling with DP and having DS, we split our time. We spend Christmas morning in our own house, the go over to DMs later in the day and eat dinner there (cooking duties are still shared). DP is on nights Christmas Day and Boxing day, so DS and I will likely stay those two nights this year.
MIL kicked off last year, and has already dropped hints this year about us going to her for Christmas Tea. Not going to happen. Ever. She's controlling, rude to me, DS cries every time he seees her, and is really shy and clingy around her, and she smokes and then tries to cuddle DS EVERY TIME even though his entire life I've made her wash her hands and wait 40 mins as a compromise to not letting her anywhere near him which is what I want to do with her fag breath!! (I have no issue with people who smoke BTW, I smoked myself until I found out I was pregnant, but I do object to people breathing it/having it in their hair/clothes when they're around DS). Aside from anything else, we eat our Christmas Dinner at her tea time, she lives two towns away and we don't drive, and her other son will be there, who is a drug abuser, and I won't have DS around him.
I've been firm and clear from the off that we won't ever be spending any of Christmas Day with them. This year we're going to the panto with MIL, her other grandchildren and their mother on the 23rd, and she's coming here on the 28th for a Christmas Dinner. We save ours and DS's giffts from her, and give her gifts that day too, so it's like a mini Christmas Day in any case. wow that turned into an epic rant

We always do Christmas with the extended family and have only ever hosted it once ourselves (I'm 46 and the dc are 12 and 9). I'd find it a real anti-climax if it were just the 4 of us tbh. We live 4hrs away from my parents and PIL (who live fairly near each other) so it makes sense for us to travel.

I would give anything to be with my parents at Christmas time in their house, my house - wherever! Sadly we lost them this year. Please make memories. Not just for you but for the MILs/FILs/GPs too.

Our dc first Christmas we began going to the in-laws and stayed that way for years. We began having Christmas Eve at our house when dc was about 4, and next day go to theirs, we lived up the road from each other.

Why did people think staying at home = not seeing grandparents?

The question is when do adult children (with dc of their own) start hosting rather than going to their parents house.

We started hosting when dc2 arrived. Mil wasn't happy, she wants to host. But the dc want to stay at home and so do we. Also worth saying that dh always spent Xmas at home growing up, as I did. I want the same for my dc - a family gathering in their own home, not spending Xmas on the motorway.

Sorry to hear that @tiny .

I lost my mum a few years ago, very suddenly, on Christmas Eve a few years ago and it’s become a bittersweet time of year for me now. Fwiw, I’d love to spend Christmas with my Dad too, but it isn’t possible, as I’m too pregnant to fly to him and he’s on call (hospital doctor) at Christmas, so he can’t come to us.

My ILs are lovely, but very boisterous and about as sensitive as a herd of rhino; seriously, about a month after my mum died, one of my sils rolled her eyes when dh said that we hadn’t really had a Christmas that year. The other looked decidedly disinterested and then swiftly changed the subject after she admired a bracelet I was wearing and I said it was from my mum and that I’d found it labelled under the tree the day after she’d died.

I’ll be enormous and tired this year, as well as missing my lovely mum. Sil is hosting Christmas and I always get landed with childcare duties at family parties, while mil and sils are busy in the kitchen and dh goes off with fil and bil to play darts. If that’s “making memories”, frankly they’re welcome to them !

DD, DH and I are having Christmas at home together this year and I’m over the moon. DH will take dd over to see ILs and give them presents while I’m cooking, so they’ll get to see each other.

I don’t feel all that terribly guilty about it, as they’ll have a full house as it is. I’m playing the big fat, tired, pregnant woman card!

I don’t think YABU..... everyone is entitled to spend Xmas how they would like. Drawing a line in the sand now with your MIL is probably the best thing to do.

Personally I love spending xmas with family, since I started hosting in my mid twenties and I dont have to go to 3 sets of parents (mine divorced) I’ve enjoyed it much more. Plus im in charge of the food which means its quality we all play cards against humanity and have a good old catch up. Its lovely

I love a big family Christmas! Fun for the kids to be around all extended family and a laugh for all adults to get together and have a couple glasses of wine. I love It. Hubby and I have quiet dinners at home all the time. I'm 6 months pregnant so next year I'd like to have the family round mine when little one is 9 months.

Each to their own. I like having family around at Xmas. I don't think I'll ever have Xmas at home with just dh and future children as id want their gps and cousins to be a part of it.

I think if u want a quiet one this year then let everyone know in advance so they (esp mil) can get it out their system that you won't be coming. Then have your day how u want it.

If they are local I'd pop by to see them so they get some time with dc or even better get them to pop to yours in the evening to see the kids. Have a glass of wine and let the grandparents entertain the kids!

My first Xmas away from home was the first one after I left home at 19. BF and I were in a big shared flat and we cooked for 6 in a dilapidated kitchen with an even more dilapidated stove. We'd bought a capon that only just fitted in the oven.

We were pissed before it was done and several friends who lived with their parents turned up in the afternoon/evening, many of them before we'd eaten. It got more and more raucous and riotous (flat above shop and no neighbours). I bailed and went to bed quite early, got up in the night to get a drink of water and found 2 friends in the kitchen making capon sandwiches and 3 asleep in the living room.

Over the years I've spent more Christmases at home than with family, both my parents died a few years ago so I only have my brother now. He has MH issues and never wants to come to us, so I've given up inviting him. MIL goes to SIL's, so no pressure from her and we really like it in our own house with just the two of us.

There's no need to keep people entertained, dress up, mind your manners, hold your tongue at BIL's casual racism and deliberate sexism, you can fall asleep on the sofa whenever you like, drink as much as you want without fear of showing yourself up and, in DP's words, "you don't have to spend all day holding in your farts".

What's not to like?

We always have Christmas morning here, unless we are on hols, which is a rare occurrence.

Alternate hosting the meal with my sister. Works really well. Some years we have parents/in laws etc, this year we are 12, at mine.

We have also had Christmases here at home, just us.

At some point every year we host a big family get together. But mine and DH's families are a chaos of divorced parents, remarried parents, step siblings etc, so there's a huge variation of guests each time!

Why did people think staying at home = not seeing grandparents?

Because that's what the OP's asking about - the first sentence of the original post is...

This is first Xmas for us with a baby and I'd quite like to spend it with just DH and DC.