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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you started having Xmas at your own home?

177 replies

Username7654321 · 13/12/2017 21:22

This is first Xmas for us with a baby and I'd quite like to spend it with just DH and DC.

MIL however would be livid - she loves to do the whole shebang (which I am really not into). DH will just go along with what she plans.

So at what point did you stop going to parents/in-laws for Xmas and have your own? How did they take it? When did you tell them? Did anyone's partners/husbands/wives not want to and you had to battle for it?

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 13/12/2017 21:46

When we moved In together. We invite people to us but we donot leavethe house Christmas day. This year there'llbe 7 of us including me, dp and ds.

StubbleTurnips · 13/12/2017 21:48

Used to alternate. When we had kids, DH stepped in and said Christmas was at our house now we have kids - any family are welcome to share it with us but we ain't budging. And that was that.

Most years my parents and PIL come to ours for lunch, this year my sister is coming too. And our elderly neighbours will join us otherwise they'll be alone.

Stefoscope · 13/12/2017 21:49

I've been with my DP for 7 years and still get dragged to his Mum's every Christmas Day. Thought I'd cracked it this year, we invited her to our's, which she agreed to as she'd fallen out with her other son. Then she half made up with him last week and decided she wanted to host at her's as she has a bigger dining room and apparently cooking for 5 people rather than 3 would be too much of an imposition!

Personally, I don't get the fuss about getting together with family on Christmas Day. I visit my Mum between Christmas and New Year and she's more than happy with that, she doesn't get why MIL has to have both sons with her on Christmas Day. Ironically MIL didn't have anything to do with her PILs.

isseywithcats · 13/12/2017 21:50

when i got married and left home was 8 months pregnant the first year and always had christmas at our own home, funnily enough now my children have left home and have thier own families they all come to mine on christmas day for dinner, i never pressure them just ask them if they are coming or not

BarrowInFurnessBusDepot · 13/12/2017 21:50

We were expected to go to the pil’s for each xmas. Sil sometimes went with her dh and dcs when fil was alive.

When fil died, we were expected to go to mil’s otherwise she would have been on her own. She lived around 200 miles away and I often had to do a shift on xmas day as I’m a hcp. Dh would take the dcs and I’d be left alone working 200 miles away. I’d have to travel down on Boxing Day Hmm

Sil was nowhere to be seen in all this.

We started having xmas in our own home two years ago and the dcs are now 19 and 13. Mil was in a care home in our area and dh used to bring her over for xmas day if she was well enough.

Sil has always got to choose how she spent her xmases (with her dcs). Me, not so much Hmm I wish I’d put my foot down really. Mil has since died so we now have our first xmas not having to worry about others and actually getting to relax. Nice.

cheminotte · 13/12/2017 21:51

Used to alternate, until the year DS had chicken pox when he was about 6. Decided it was unfair of him to travel and had a quiet Christmas just us and kids. Was lovely. After that we started inviting parents to ours, still alternating.

anonymousity · 13/12/2017 21:52

We do one year in laws, one year my rents, then one year at home just us. It went down like a lead balloon at the time but it’s been my favourite Christmas Smile so much more relaxing! I can’t wait until our next Christmas at home comes around.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 13/12/2017 21:53

Our first Christmas married we had in our own house, then over to my parents for evening tea.

Second Cheistmas I had Ds so we were at my parents house.

Third year my parents were seperated so my mother came to us, she couldn't face doing it all, ever since its been out ours.

I used to get my grandfather and great uncle every year on Boxing Day, as well as my mother.

This year I'm doing Christmas dinner for 9 (possibly 10), my brother is newly divorced its his first Christmas, he has the kids and doesn't really cook so we invited them to join us.

Dh has banned me from doing more food for the extra numbers than I already had planned, apparently I over-cater Xmas Hmm so there will be plenty for everyone. So I shan't be doing extra roasties and definitely no third meat option

tealandteal · 13/12/2017 21:54

We moved in to our first house 10 days before Christmas so not fit for visitors and we didn't want to travel, pack etc so had it just the two of us. We alternate between hosting, PILs and my mums now.

Bubblysqueak · 13/12/2017 21:55

When dc1 was born I told everyone that we would no longer be visiting anyone Christmas day. People are more than welcome to visit us and I am more than happy to host lunch etc but we do not go out.
This is our 5th Christmas since and we have hosted a variety of combinations of my family and in-laws and have had 1 with just the 4 if us (this year will be then same.)
I was worried about families reaction so did not open it up for discussion, I told everyone our plans and have stuck with them.

iamyourequal · 13/12/2017 21:57

Username7654321

iamyourequal- typing with 1 hand as I'm breastfeeding and it's quicker. Sorry if it offended you!

thanks OP. Not offended, more of a mild irritation....lol.Grin I totally understand your desire to have your own Christmas the way you would like. My DH and I have been together over 20 years and NEVER had a Christmas to ourselves wit eothers inlaws You should just go for it!

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 21:57

Our second year dating, First Christmas together, we decided to do our own thing. Turkey smelled funny so we ended up just having the trimmings.

3rd year together we bought a Christmas timeshare and now we go there every year. It means we never have the “who’s house we going to” debate.

Enko · 13/12/2017 21:59

We have our main celebration on the 24th in the evening so have never minded much going to MIL's for the 25th until she felt she was not able too anymore then we went to SILs for a few years on the 26th but I found that really stressful (and cold) so we stopped that too so after about 15 years we spent all of Christmas at home. (My parents are overseas we have visited one Christmas NEVER again)

Original poster
Username7654321 · 13/12/2017 21:59

Ah, I've really enjoyed reading all these. Keep them coming :)

OP posts:
TractorTedTed · 13/12/2017 22:02

We still never have had Christmas just on our own!

I'm perfectly happy with that though. Personally I like a big family get-together. I don't think it would feel so 'special' somehow if it were just the four of us at home.

Buxbaum · 13/12/2017 22:03

YANBU at all to want to set some boundaries but you have left it a bit late this year to back out of Christmas Day at MIL's altogether IMHO (we are going to ILs this year and I know that MIL has already placed her food order, begun some prep etc). If you want to work towards a Christmas Day with just the three of you then you need to start a sort of gradual retreat. If you are very local then start this year by reducing the length of time that you spend there on the day - if it would have been the full day, just go for lunch, for example. Then next year start to drop your plans casually into conversation from August / September onwards. I know this sounds batshit but experience has taught me that this is the way to introduce change...

Hidingalion · 13/12/2017 22:03

when my parents died...

teaandtoast · 13/12/2017 22:05

Started the year our first child was born. I find it so much more relaxing being at home.

scaryteacher · 13/12/2017 22:05

1986, the year we got married. Have never had Christmas anywhere but my own home since. If people want to come to us, that's great, but I don't go anywhere else.

Readermumof3 · 13/12/2017 22:06

Our first Christmas as parents, establishing our own family tradition. All 3 sets of parents lived within 3 miles and all were invited around if they wished to come. As a child I stayed in my house with my parents and enjoyed my presents. I wanted the same for my dcs, not trailing them from pillar to post all day. In-laws tend to come around on the 24th or 26th, my parents always came to us (live in walking distance).

Sunbeam18 · 13/12/2017 22:07

I would always want to be my parents at Christmas, only time I haven't been is when I've been with partner's family but it made me feel sad and miss them. I would find it unacceptable for them to spend Christmas on their own.

FinallyHere · 13/12/2017 22:07

Used to go back home, then alternate between my family and his family for Christmas (both abroad, we were studying then working in UK. Then came a new, more complicated relationship for me so we each went home / to our own families. I spent a lot more of my Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day on the M25.

Some ten years into our relationship, w finally moved in together and decided that, from then on, we would be at home for Christmas. Our family(s) would be welcome to join us, but that we would not be going anywhere. Nearly twenty years later, it's been brilliant. Often it's been just us, over the years my family and his family have been to visit us, in whole or in part. Everyone welcome, but I think I prefer when it's just us. We both travel quite a lot with work, so being at home is one of the best parts of Christmas. Really recommend it.

isittheholidaysyet · 13/12/2017 22:09

First year we were married, (Which was first year together in our own house)
DH did not want to spend it with his mother, so we just told everyone we were doing it alone.
Have done ever since.
It helps that DH works on Christmas day morning, so we HAVE to be at our house.
Means we can't spend it with my parents, which would be nice and would work, but it's worth the sacrifice to not have MIL, and my DPs can go to my siblings', or do their own thing.
We love all our siblings and love spending time with them, but on Christmas day it would be a disaster.

We see everyone at various points over the holidays, often staying with them or them staying with us.

gabsdot · 13/12/2017 22:11

We have spent every Christmas day since we got married in our own housemates. We decided that we wouldn't get into the habit of taking turns with our families.
My mother invited us over every Christmas day for about the first 10 years. I just always said no thanks, we're staying home.
It's worked well for us.
We usually host the in-laws and this year my parents are coming too. I love it that way.

Pardalis · 13/12/2017 22:11

My PIL are in NZ so that option is out!

My Grandma always hosted until she died and now I have taken over. It's an open house so anyone can come. My mum would rather poke a rusty nail in her eye than cook, my Dad (parents are divorced) is the same.

I guess I am lucky in that I get to stay at home and I enjoy the cooking anyway. But I would give anything to have another Christmas with my gran. But the memories are amazing. I hope I'm doing her justice