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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Essex Police helping women to stay with abusers

235 replies

Allthecoolkids · 13/12/2017 16:50

AIBU to think this is a really really shit poster??

I can’t link to it but they posted it to FB this afternoon.

Essex Police helping women to stay with abusers
OP posts:
CommonFishDiseases · 14/12/2017 14:36

This is utterly shocking. Especially the creepy looking abusive husband standing behind the survivor smiling. So sad, disappointed and angry right now. Speaking as someone who yesterday taught 20 students about the seriousness of DV. How depressing.

Dozer · 14/12/2017 14:45

A family member in the police (not essex) said it was almost all domestic violence and violence against family members. Sad

The worst were a woman who stabbed her partner many times (my family member and their partner were first on scene and talked to the perpetrator and administered emergency first aid until ambulance arrived) and another year someone who after a family row stabbed his brother. Both went down for attempted murder.

Dozer · 14/12/2017 14:45

During shifts at Christmas I mean.

Original poster
Allthecoolkids · 14/12/2017 16:21

There are loads of support options I think should be available to women in that situation. Counselling, help to set boundaries, help to understand healthy dynamics, financial management support, etc.

But none of those things will keep them safe. They may make them feel like they are safer, but they are not safe, because they are still living with an abuser.

I still think it’s an absolutely shit, backwards looking, dangerous poster.

OP posts:
Afternooncatnap · 14/12/2017 16:44

NameChanger22

You have minimal respect for victims of abuse and they should "help themselves". Saying that makes you sound like a horrible ignorant person. You need to learn compassion and understanding for your fellow human being.

ginandlime · 14/12/2017 16:52

I also have minimal respect for people that put up with it. Sorry, that's the way I feel. I feel sorry for the victims but I also think they need to help themselves.
How dare you blame me for what happened to me. How dare you question my judgement when you have absolutely no idea what I went through. How fucking dare you. How do you think your abusive comments help me and people like me? Victim blaming is an extremely unpleasant trait.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 17:44

Why are you getting annoyed at other posters for giving their opinion. But to go back and back to some violent abusive man and put your children in danger must call into question a person's judgement and values.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 17:47

Why are you getting annoyed at other posters for giving their opinion

Because their opinions are offensive ignorant bollocks

But to go back and back to some violent abusive man and put your children in danger must call into question a person's judgement and values

Like this one. Also, what about women without children, or grown up children?

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 17:50

Oh OK you're right and the rest of people are wrong. Fine. Closed minds. Should children learn to live with abusers too and be facilitated to do so. It's a totally horrific way of thinking IMHO.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 17:56

And that poster should be banned. Getting quite angry now. Both smiling like Cheshire cats.

eastlondoner · 14/12/2017 17:57

I think it's just being realistic (for some). So it will actually reach and help some of those women. For that reason I don't have a problem with it.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 18:07

We're not the ones with closed minds.

Not everyone behaves as you think they should, and when they don't, they still need and deserve support.

I don't care if you don't agree with that, you're wrong.

Original poster
Allthecoolkids · 14/12/2017 18:17

Curry you are continuing to argue against things that 99% of people are not saying.

Which is your right but it’s making discussion really bloody tiresome.

OP posts:
curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 18:19

I'm responding to specific posters. is there a reason why they should not be challenged on their ignorant opinions?

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 18:26

Would you encourage your own daughter to stay with an abuser and help her to do so? Why is anyone who doesn't agree with you ignorant? That is the argument of the ignorant and people with closed minds. You've decided you know what's best and will carry on with you own little private agenda. And other folk are wrong. I do not agree with facilitating people to stay with abusers and keeping them 'safe'. What are you going to do - arm them with a double barreled shotgun or something. Which of course is against the law anyway.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 18:29

Anyone who thinks that a woman who can't leave a DV relationship has poor judgement and no values is ignorant. Anyone who thinks people only deserve support when they choose acceptable option is ignorant.
Anyone who blames a woman for being in a DV relationship, as you do, is ignorant AND offensive.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 18:42

I did not say that. I said I would question a person's judgement if they thought the best way forward was to keep going back to a violent partner who she needed protection from. Especially if there was children involved. You are twisting things for your own agenda.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2017 18:48

It is ignorant to question a woman's "morals" for returning an abuser, however, I think it's in danger of derailing the thread to keep engaging with this - I think most of us object to the poster (and some to the service) because it gives a dangerously false sense of security and because it sends a dangerous message, not because it "encourages" people to behave in ways folk don't approve of.

NameChanger22 · 14/12/2017 19:09

Yes, I have been in abusive relationships and both times I ended it very fast. I don't have great self-esteem, but I have enough to get out of situations like that. I just wish other people would do the same, it's heartbreaking that they don't. I'm not a horrible person, I understand it can be really hard but I don't really understand why people would just accept it and carry on. I suppose everyone is different and every situation is different.

NameChanger22 · 14/12/2017 19:12

I made it clear that I blame the men for doing it. I don't blame the victims but I also don't understand why people put up with it.

Afternooncatnap · 14/12/2017 19:19

NameChanger22

It's good that you were able to leave. But not everyone is the same and neither is their situation. Can you not have some empathy and compassion. Saying you have no respect for women that stay makes you sound like a very cold uncaring person.

NameChanger22 · 14/12/2017 19:33

I'm not cold or uncaring. I just want women to not put up with shit from men. Maybe I don't understand the reasons why women can't leave, in this country, in 2017. What reasons are there?

If your daughter or best friend was in an abusive relationship what advice would you give her? What situations would you find acceptable for them to just put up with it? I can't think of any.,

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2017 19:36

This is one of the things I do as part of my job.

A huge barrier to someone approaching a support service is the belief they will be forced to do something they are not ready to bullied to leave.

People who thinks they don’t want to leave will not access help.

Shit like this helps them get help

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2017 19:37

This is one of the things I do as part of my job.

A huge barrier to someone approaching a support service is the belief they will be forced to do something they are not ready to bullied to leave.

People who thinks they don’t want to leave will not access help.

Shit like this helps them get help

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2017 19:41

Oh and about 80% of my safety planning service users do end up leaving and they do so in a far safer and better legal position than they would have done without the safety planning.

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