Essex Police helping women to stay with abusers

[Allthecoolkids]

AIBU to think this is a really really shit poster??

I can’t link to it but they posted it to FB this afternoon.

However the stories featured in the campaign are real stories. We heard from victims who wanted help to leave relationships and we heard from victims who would never have called police but have been able to have counselling, family therapy and other interventions that have made them feel safe

And these people deserve to be heard. It's ironic that people were calling this campaign "silencing and diminishing" when they want to do exactly that. I wonder how many women are reading about this and feeling that they cannot speak about their experiences because they aren't thinking about leaving.

It was a cack handed and misguided approach to an issue that is in desperate need of some attention.

What is the help to stay safe in a relationship where there's DV? They don't say

I suspect since many abuse victims are reluctant to leave their partner, this is a way for agencies to engage the victims to reduce isolation and the help/support in place for when the victim is ready to leave.
I.e. The victims may be more willing to listen if you don't push the line "you must leave your partner".
Support could include:
Having in place a DV key worker
Key worker to keep in touch to prevent isolation
Ongoing risk assesment, potential for dv worker to spot escalation and make referrals where necessary.
Refuge plan- should victim need to get out, place to stay
Escape plan- is putting in place access to financial help,
Assistance with other aggravating factors- substance abuse etc
Counselling to improve confidence and self esteem of victim

You literally close the door to women who don't want to leave their partners straight away by saying "you must leave". Surely it's better to have ongoing contact with victim in a supporting, non judgemental way until they are ready.

Needs - I have noticed a shift on here the last few years too. Time was on Relationships a thread/poster's situation could rumble along for weeks and months with lots of support and posters gradually building up strength - these days there are a few of us saying these things and the majority handwringing and posting silly sad faces and "Oh she's gone back". FFS now she won't come back for advice, will she?

curry thank you for the work that you do for women.

As for the poster-
Imagine you are in an absusive relationship and the abuser thought an outside agency was encouraging the victim to leave-
The abuser is more likely to increase controlling behaviour of victim, isolating victim further to keep them away from support
If you offer the help in the form of supporting the relationship the abuser is less likely to "rebel" against it.

Reasons I couldn't leave (until I did)

I kept seeing his good side and thought he might change - kept wanting to give him one more chance.

I was pregnant and I felt I needed to give it a go for the baby's sake, plus thought he may calm down when DS was born

I was scared to leave DS alone with him for contact

I couldn't bear the thought of what splitting up would do to [my partner], I felt so, so awful for hurting him like that - even after I did leave actually, the song by JLS "My heart won't beat again" was on the radio ALL THE TIME and it used to make me panicky and really upset. Probably still would but I don't voluntarily listen to it.

I was worried that I was the only person who understood him and that other people would treat him unfairly because they didn't understand - particularly in response to behaviours I now recognise as abusive. So partly protecting him.

I had become so dependent on him that I didn't really know how to do much of anything by myself. In fact it was only when I told my mum and she literally held my hand and walked me through everything that I left.

Every time I tried to discuss splitting up we would get into a circular discussion where he would gaslight me and confuse me so that I didn't know where I stood and it would never end with "OK let's separate". I didn't really know how to end a relationship without his acceptance.

So of course in the end having to leave in secret, plan in secret, for the three months it took to find and secure a tenancy was utter torture, so stressful, constant anxiety if he'd find out, it was hell. It was worth it but there were probably times during that I would have just caved and thought it's easier to stay.

I had no money and no job. Barely any friends and was pretty isolated from most people. Due to the control.

Reasons I didn't pick up on the abuse in the first place:

He was funny and charming to begin with. He pushed over boundaries a little but I thought this was cheekiness/keenness and quite cute. Didn't recognise that pushing small boundaries very early is a sign someone will push big ones later on. Didn't differentiate between the kind of cheekiness/joking around between friends who know each other well and people who had literally just met.

Naivety about what jealousy really means. Believed his sob stories of being cheated on multiple times, wanted to "heal" and take care of him by proving I was trustworthy.

Thought some early signs were ridiculous or jokes - didn't really take them seriously because they were ridiculous! Like asking me if it was a serious relationship after 48 hours and refusing to budge until I gave an answer.

Low expectations of men - I thought all men were a bit crap so it was a bonus if you got one with nice bits. Sad that I believed this really. I didn't believe men like my now DH existed.

• And that's just from one person - each person will have their own collection of reasons.

Hmm I don't know, I don't think my ex would have liked to have been labelled as abusive or offered any support, it would have annoyed him and/or made him feel judged.

There are some men who want to change their behaviour. They know their relationship is unhealthy but use the wrong methods to correct it and just get worse. We've had women on here who are abusive and truly need and want help to assess and change their behaviour.

I was in full support of Essex police until they issued that apology, they had nothing to apologise for.

bertie

The difference is very obvious isn’t it. It’s ridiculous that people who do that have little understanding that they are contributing towards women being unable to get support and feeling intimidated by what is often their first attempt to seek support.

FWIW sometimes it’s not about working with the perp, sometimes we do sometimes we don’t.
I only offer perp work after conviction and linked to formal services but self referral services exist. The main difference is
I will work with a victim no matter how they arrive in front of me and regardless of what support they need within the boundaries of safeguarding and where possible our service will see it through to the end what ever that may be.