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AIBU?

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Original poster

Essex Police helping women to stay with abusers

235 replies

Allthecoolkids · 13/12/2017 16:50

AIBU to think this is a really really shit poster??

I can’t link to it but they posted it to FB this afternoon.

Essex Police helping women to stay with abusers
OP posts:
Afternooncatnap · 14/12/2017 13:21

I dont think it's a bad thing to help women who don't want to leave stay safer (they can't be safe) but the tone of the poster is all wrong. Their smiles are creepy. Like he's happy he can keep beating his wife, or like the police condone the behaviour.

AsMenDclaredWomenTheirInferior · 14/12/2017 13:23

Men have always got a kick out of
seeing women being kicked and mauled & slapped around.
Just look at the porn they are all into.
Women are forced into the position of having to get help from the very people who abuse them.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:23

Do you really think this poster does this job? It's one thing to say 'we support women in da relationships even if they're not considering leaving', it's another for a police poster to reassure women who choose to stay that they will be kept safe

No, I think its' a terrible poster, as I said. But I'm taking issue with some posters who won't offer a single idea on how you help support women who will not leave, but are very quick to shoot it down.

I don't like the poster, but I agree with part of the message. And I don't think it promises to keep anyone safe either.

bibliomania · 14/12/2017 13:31

I don't think it promises to keep anyone safe either.

It explicitly says that you can choose to "stay together safely".

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:36

Actually it says that one women thinks she got support to stay together safely. That is not a promise to anyone else.

Like I said, bad poster. But how would you like to get the message out to women who need help but who will stay?
Nobody wants to give an answer to that.

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 13:41

No, the message right at the top is general promise: Leave or stay together safely. Whatever you choose we will support you

It uses the example of one woman to show that she has been able to 'stay in her relationship safely' with their 'help and support'. Thus they're promising to do the same for others.

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:42

I disagree. But I'm still waiting for any suggestions on what to do to get the message across.....

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 13:43

I've already said the message should be along the lines that they help women who are not currently considering leaving.

wildbluebelles · 14/12/2017 13:44

But how would you like to get the message out to women who need help but who will stay?
Nobody wants to give an answer to that.

A poster saying that 'we will support you whatever decision you make' without a smiling woman posing with her abuser? Additionally, initiatives aimed at raising women's self-esteem, at getting them out and about meeting people and developing more self-worth. Courses on explaining relationship dynamics so that they realise that it's not their fault, as the abuser has always told them. Practical help with housing, childcare, education. There already are lots of initiatives like this, but funding keeps being cut.

But what you don't seem to grasp is that nobody is saying that women who stay should not get any support, just that this poster is wrong (especially against the backdrop that Essex Police appears to be failing victims who DO want to leave). We should also not assume that just because a woman approaches WA saying she will not leave, that this means she never will. We should not pressure her but instead focus on safety and building self-esteem and awareness around DV (in the hope that at some point in the future she will be able to walk away from the violence).

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 13:46

The message at the top is there in plain English.

And as to the example there's not a lot of point in advertising your help for one woman if you're not prepared to do so for others. 'We helped her but we won't help you'...

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:46

But what you don't seem to grasp is that nobody is saying that women who stay should not get any support

YOU did.

while I sympathise with women unwilling to leave, it is never going to be something that I support as a good alternative option

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 13:47

And as to the example there's not a lot of point in advertising your help for one woman if you're not prepared to do so for others. 'We helped her but we won't help you'

Of course they are saying "we will help you". Thats the point of it. What they are not saying is "we PROMISE we can keep you safe" which you said was the problem.

wherethevioletsgrow · 14/12/2017 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 13:55

They are saying that they will help you to stay safe. Just as they helped Sheila to stay safe:

'Stay together safely'... 'with help and support [Sheila] has stayed in her relationship safely'.

What I said wrt to 'promise' was that they are promising to help others as they helped Sheila, not promising to keep them safe.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/12/2017 13:56

bluebelles, you've just done it again. You've described it as support for those who are 'not ready to leave'. You're completely ignoring the fact that some women are not just 'not ready to leave', they know they're not going to leave ever. You seem to only view support as leading to the ultimate point of leaving which is why women who have no intention of leaving are put off.

Yes, as I've said repeatedly I also think that the poster is inappropriate with the smiley happy couple. But some posters have said that advertisements for this sort of service shouldn't exist full stop and should be replaced with success stories about women leaving successfully. They already exist and they're irrelevant to the women this poster is aimed at because they don't want to leave. Stopping the service being advertised altogether would effectively mean withdrawing that support from them. Saying the support won't work so should be got rid of is withdrawing that support for those who it does work for. And yes, that is saying 'In my narrative thus shouldn't be happening so I want it withdrawn completely and fuck those who it does work for, they can just carry on getting beaten up if they don't leave'.

The poster above who works on a helpline said women who call were surprised they were offered support even if they weren't leaving. Because the message is 'leave, leave, leave'. So there will be plenty of women who don't even call because that's not in their game plan. Even if you Google who to minimise risk when living with abuse you are met with pages and pages of information all of which have leaving listed as the course of action.

The poster should have been done better, but thinking leaving is the answer for everybody and nothing else should be offered or advertised as some posters have done is just marginalising and abandoning these women.

rightsofwomen · 14/12/2017 13:59

Top I am sorry that was your experience.

It was not mine at all. I found Essex police very thorough.

wildbluebelles · 14/12/2017 14:04

OK, Elton I am sorry. I will just butt out of this one now I think.

NameChanger22 · 14/12/2017 14:06

The poster should have read:

"If you wont leave your abuser we will lock him away for a long time."

Why don't abusers go to jail? If I attacked a stranger I would go to jail. Why it is ok to hit someone you live with and supposedly care about?

First and foremost I blame the men that do this. I also have minimal respect for people that put up with it. Sorry, that's the way I feel. I feel sorry for the victims but I also think they need to help themselves. Obviously the current government and Essex Police are not helping anyone and completely sending out the wrong messages.

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 14:08

The poster above who works on a helpline said women who call were surprised they were offered support even if they weren't leaving. Because the message is 'leave, leave, leave'

Not sure about that. I've worked with da in a voluntary capacity and tbh quite a lot of women aren't expecting to be told that. They may not think of their relationship as abusive so they're not even thinking about leaving. Or their families are telling them to stay. Many don't know anything about the issues around dv at all, the risks of escalation, the risks of leaving.

Dozer · 14/12/2017 14:11

Awful. There is no safety with an abuser.

There are other ways they could have got the message across eg “if you don’t leave, we can still help you”.

imagine the essex social services were not consulted either.

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/12/2017 14:15

WTF!!!

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 14:21

The poster should have read:"If you wont leave your abuser we will lock him away for a long time.

why would it read that when they won't?

curryforbreakfast · 14/12/2017 14:25

I also have minimal respect for people that put up with it. Sorry, that's the way I feel

Women also know they are being judged by other women and that adds to their sense of isolation and the feeling no-one will help them.

People say "why doesn't she just leave?" as if if thats easy. There are financial, personal, cultural, familal reasons that women do not and will not leave.

rightsofwomen · 14/12/2017 14:33

NameChanger22 Ever been in an abusive relationship?

Kpo58 · 14/12/2017 14:36

Why don't abusers go to jail? If I attacked a stranger I would go to jail.

Because it's one word against another's. Usually the victim won't press charges or testify because they are too scared of the abuser. If the abuser isn't punished or jailed long enough, they make it much worse for the victim.