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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 16:31

@DiegoMadonna “Yes YABU. You buy for 5 children but get nothing in return. As do all the other adults.”

Actually, the peeve is more, “we spend money on three other families but get nothing spent on ours”

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2017 16:31

When I was growing up, there were 7 families of very close relation, all with multiple children (in the end, over 30 children between them). Family presents were given, so a large tin of Xmas biscuits, a tin of sweets, or a brace of grouse, side of smoked salmon etc.

Personally, I think that is a much better solution for everyone.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 13/12/2017 16:31

Yanbu. In my family and my dhs, just buying for children only applied to the people who had kids. We still bought gifts for the ones who didn't. His sister Gerber's almost 51. She said last year not to buy her but she buys our kids loads so I did anyway. Then this year she said the same so I will let the kids choose her something small from them.

Chchchchangeabout · 13/12/2017 16:32

YANBU. Just say ok, we don't have kids so that makes life easy for us then.

rcit · 13/12/2017 16:32

Depends on circs. If you and dh are the youngest of the siblings and are saving up for a house deposit or similar then yes they are bu and should probably give you something useful.

If you are financially comfortable, it wouldn't hurt to give the kids something relatively inexpensive without reciprocation. Di you really want gifts? I certainly don't.

Chchchchangeabout · 13/12/2017 16:33

Or suggest family gifts, one per family, like Jux

ZigZagandDustin · 13/12/2017 16:33

What? Seriously? This is not a case of 'let's buy for kids' it's a case of 'let's not buy for adults' which benefits everyone equally!

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 16:34

Family presents were given, so a large tin of Xmas biscuits, a tin of sweets, or a brace of grouse, side of smoked salmon etc.

I think this is a good idea.

mirialis · 13/12/2017 16:34

You could do burntwine's idea as it sounds like a good one, but if the others don't want to go for that, honestly, there is nothing wrong with getting a massive box of chocolates for the kids to share. As I said, this is what one of my uncle's did for us. Sure, we loved getting presents off the other uncle (who had dc) but we definitely did not love the chocolate-giving uncle any less, and as I was the youngest and always missed out on the best ones from the quality street tin, he'd always keep back a handful of my favourites to make sure I didn't miss out. Loved him.

Cutesbabasmummy · 13/12/2017 16:34

Anyone else notice that its always the siblings with the OLDEST kids who suggest this? i.e. the ones who had kids first and happily recieved adult AND kid presents for everyone else for years, but then when some more adults in the family have kids suddenly theyre all for "kids only" and dont want to buy the new parents anything. Now I come to think of it...YES!!!

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 13/12/2017 16:34

His sister gerbers 😂 her name isn't Gerber don't know where that came from or how it got in there.

Original poster
PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 16:35

I wasn’t going to bring our relative financial insecurity into it @rcit but yes, we are the youngest and by far the least financially comfortable. Three families with children are all Drs, successful business owners etc.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 16:35

What? Seriously? This is not a case of 'let's buy for kids' it's a case of 'let's not buy for adults' which benefits everyone equally!

ZigZag, how does it benefit OP for the next few years? She has to buy gifts for 5 kids every year but get nothing in return. That's cheap and mean.

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 16:37

As @GingerbreadMa notes, what's the betting that the oldest sibling will say let's stop buying for the kids when their kids are older.

Blondephantom · 13/12/2017 16:37

YANBU! There are so many better ways that this could be sorted:

Each family buys another family a gift. They can choose to buy each member something or a big gift for all the family;

A Secret Santa. Preferably one for the adults and a seperate one for the kids or a set budget so you don’t end up paying for an expensive toy and getting a cheap box of choccies in return;

A pick a family scheme where each family gets another family to buy for. Again a set budget range that everyone agrees to. Then there is all the fun of guessing who picked your pressie;

Challenge Santa where you each get a person and a challenge where you have a set budget and amount of shopping time to get the best pressie/amount of pressies possible.

So many ways to not make one family feel less than the others. I have two siblings. One has less kids than me, one has none, I have lots. We did the family gift thing and it worked well. We often gifted experiences that were more expensive than you’d generally pay for yourself but really fun to do. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and all should be celebrated by their extend d families at Christmas.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 13/12/2017 16:38

YADNBU. I used to work with someone who had 2 other siblings. She was married with 1 child, another sibling was married with 2 children and another was child-free. The parents had the same budget per household and distributed it around those family members, so the child-free sibling had her budget spent on her alone and the others had it divvied up between them. Thought this was very fair and reasonable.

mirialis · 13/12/2017 16:39

I wasn’t going to bring our relative financial insecurity into it @rcit but yes, we are the youngest and by far the least financially comfortable. Three families with children are all Drs, successful business owners etc.

Snap. Nip it in the bud now - it did not occur to my successful older siblings that this was a bit shit for the youngest and financially-struggling in the family! All bar one totally got it.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/12/2017 16:40

The first ones to have kids often dont return the favours. Its gutting because its basically saying that your new arrivals just arent as interesting or novel as theirs were.

Quite a lot of people do seem to think this - that basically the oldest kids are more important, and definitely more exciting. I was so surprised by how many people when I told them my brother had had a baby said 'oh a first grandchild. Your parents must be so excited about a first grandchild' when obviously it meant that mine could now never be that. One person even came out with that despite knowing full well that I had miscarried what would have been the first grandchild, which I thought was pretty fucking awful.

GingerbreadMa · 13/12/2017 16:41

WhatATimeToBeAlive that system sounds perfect! #futuregrandparentinggoals

Lizzie48 · 13/12/2017 16:42

Really, how difficult is it to get presents for the OP and her DH? The suggestion of a 'Secret Santa' for the adults was a good idea, I think.

ZenNudist · 13/12/2017 16:42

Look just say something. I think the ruke shoukd be no gufts for adults if youre also buying for their kids. Otherwise the gift giving is one sided. Aparently you have to rush round thinking of everyone and no one thinks of you. Please say something.

Stay away from "its not fair" and say "i prefer to exchange gifts by family. Dh and i are happy to get for your family (kids only so that will bring the budget down a bit for everyone) and you get gifts equally for our family..." you could end with " i appreciate Christmas giving gets a bit much for some people. If you'd like to agree not to exchange gifts at all this year then lets do that instead."

Thermostatpolice · 13/12/2017 16:43

mirialis

Ha! My kids are teenagers. They bake better than I do and know all about food hygiene Smile You misunderstood that we gift baked goods. Although we do give very small and often homemade presents rather than nothing at all. Which would be the alternative.

In the OP's position with her family's rule I'd be happy to receive something baked and covered in germs from my DNs. It would mean that they actually thought about me at Christmas. And that my siblings weren't encouraging entitlement. But each to their own.

Tiredmum100 · 13/12/2017 16:43

No, YANBU. Have a moan. I have friends who don't have children but always buy for my dc. In return we buy token gifts for them (their favourite wine etc) and their dog a new toy from the children.

GingerbreadMa · 13/12/2017 16:43

Family/household presents is a great idea. A board game or hamper of edibles. Nice for families with or without kids and leaves nobody out.

Ketzele · 13/12/2017 16:43

My youngest is not only the baby of the extended family, she is also adopted. I do find myself sometimes comparing how little she gets given compared to the others (e.g. no gifts or cards on her arrival) and wondering if this is last child effect or adopted child effect. I'll never know, and that's ok, but it worries me that she might notice too.