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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 15:30

Speaking as someone whose toddler DS always get mounds and mounds of books we don't have space for, clothes that don't fit him and plastic tat we also don't have space for, it really really isn't.

Then tell people you don't want it! But don't act like you're doing everyone a huge favour by accepting their gifts for your children.

JingsMahBucket · 13/12/2017 15:30

@NerudaIsHeaven yeah, I don't get that "YOU SHOULDN'T CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY" attitude either that I've seen here. I have literally only seen that on MN, never in real life. (God, I never thought I would ever become one of those people who said that.)

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2017 15:31

Selection boxes are the answer. They're 2 for £3 in most supermarkets, so you can cover all five kids for under a tenner. The kids themselves will be fine with this!

Alternatively, kids' books from the 2 for £7 section in Asda and you're done for under £20.

burntwine · 13/12/2017 15:32

What we do in a similar 4-couple setup is a rotating system with a set budget per family. So family A buys presents of x value for family B, family B buys for family C, etc etc. So families with more people get less per person (they are free to stipulate the entire budget should be spent on their children though nobody actually has done this) but the system is basically very fair in my opinion. It means you don't have to buy for loads of people but everyone gets some presents from extended family on top of presents from immediate family. And the presents can be better because people are not trying to stretch a budget so thinly.

Maybe suggest you do something similar where for their families the entire budget goes on the kids? Each of them would only have to buy for you every four years but you'd always get something. And only have to buy for 1 or 2 kids per year rather than 5!

TinyTear · 13/12/2017 15:32

and to the users talking about age gaps. that happens among siblings as well - both me and DH are younger siblings and both of us experienced the "oh we will stop buying presents are you are all too old" when your sibling is 18 and you are only 13/14...

Redglitter · 13/12/2017 15:32

But christmas is for kids, isnt it??? Are adults really bothered about receiving crap they dont really want presents? We just buy tokens for the sale of unwrapping. But evem that is really just for the sake of the kids

Not in our family it's not. I've spent quite a lot on my mum's present this year. I'm dead excited to see her reaction. My SIL has a knack of buying me just the perfect presents they're always lovely. Just as much time effort and thought are put into the adult presents in our family as the children's ones. We don't do 'crap unwanted presents'

VladmirsPoutine · 13/12/2017 15:33

Of course Yabu. Why does Christmas always bring the batshit out of people.

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 15:35

We don't do 'crap unwanted presents'

Nor do we! And I'd be quite sad if my immediate family (and in the OP it's siblings, not distant second cousins or anything) bought me 'generic crap' as people have suggested, as I like to think we know each other quite well...

Imsorrynow · 13/12/2017 15:35

A budget per family sounds a much more sensible and fair idea - going to go with that idea next year!

NerudaIsHeaven · 13/12/2017 15:36

Then tell people you don't want it!

I have. Several times. They buy it anyway.

ferrier · 13/12/2017 15:41

In our family, and adults without kids get bought a 'thankyou' present from the kids.

peachgreen · 13/12/2017 15:41

I'm the one in my group of friends without kids (yet) and I was the one who proposed we stop buying for adults. I buy for five children and don't get anything in return but it's never occurred to me to be annoyed because they're separate things - my friends and I no longer buy each other presents, but I buy presents for their kids because I want to. Not sure gift-giving should be a tit-for-tat thing.

ferrier · 13/12/2017 15:42

and should have been any

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 13/12/2017 15:44

I dont buy present to anything with the idea of getting something back.
So buy for children and not getting all j’y presets back would not throw me at all.
I would do that for the enjoyment it will give them.

If you think it’s too much financially, then you need to tell your siblings. But if the only reason is ‘we don’t get anything back’ it feels mean tbh.

Paddingtonthebear · 13/12/2017 15:46

We buy for our nieces and nephews and a few of our close friends kids. We don’t buy for any adults except our parents, otherwise they get the hump even though they say don’t want/need anything and are impossible to buy for. Hmm

The reason we agreed with our siblings and friends only to buy for kids is down to expense. It started when me and SIL were both on Mat leave and we were all struggling to pay for multiple adults presents when we had reduced income and increased new baby costs. Spoke to my sister and she agreed, it’s just too expensive to buy for everyone so we just buy for each other’s kids.

It’s more about cost and common sense for us than being tight and grinchy for no reason. I get presents my husband and daughter and something small from our parents. I don’t feel hard done by. I’m 41, not 6 Grin

petitdonkey · 13/12/2017 15:47

My DS and I always told my brother to only buy for the children when her was child free but we always bought for him. In the same way, when his birthday came around I would always take him out - when he once protested I pointed out that he buys birthday and Christmas gifts for my three children. Your family should show the same consideration.

RandomUsernameHere · 13/12/2017 15:47

@burntwine that is a really good idea. We do secret Santa with DH's family but only for the adults, your way seems fairer. This thread has got me feeling uncomfortable now because my DC are the only children in DH's extended family. I'd never thought about it before, but maybe they all think we're tight for only doing the adult secret Santa when they all buy presents for our DC Confused

barefoofdoctor · 13/12/2017 15:47

You don't buy gifts in order to receive but it's bloody bad manners to just take take take without returning a gift.

LittleLionMansMummy · 13/12/2017 15:48

That is unfair op, yanbu.

We only buy for children (5 in total between us all, plus dh's niece and nephew who are older) so it gets very expensive. But we buy for my auntie who doesn't have dc and my parents - because they shell out a lot on all their gc! This was by agreement between us all.

I know you don't give to receive but your situation is overwhelmingly one sided op. It's obvious it's unfair on you. I was slightly annoyed that I went to the effort of finding my bil, who is notoriously difficult to please and more than a little ungrateful, a birthday present two years running - yet dh's birthday came and went without a small token from dsis. It does stick under your skin a little, even if you enjoy the giving more than the receiving.

DollyLlama · 13/12/2017 15:48

YANBU, surely the sensible thing would be they buy you and your DP presents and you buy for the children?

ItsYuleyme · 13/12/2017 15:48

These children are your nieces and nephews so you should buy presents for them. GABY

WitchesHatRim · 13/12/2017 15:48

Also the "Christmas is only/just for kids" line is weird.

I agree and it's why the 'you should work over Christmas because you don't have DC' rubbish comes from too.

Absolutely ridiculous.

ItsYuleyme · 13/12/2017 15:49

YABU

Aki99 · 13/12/2017 15:49

Before I had children I used to buy (and still do) for children of other family members. I didn't expect anything back but they used to get my dog a little toy. You could ask to opt out if it bothers you that much but it seems a little unkind as the gifts are not for the adults but the children.

Thermostatpolice · 13/12/2017 15:52

We give everyone something, but often it's something very small and homemade. If they were my kids and our family had this rule I'd encourage the kids to make or bake something small for you and your DH.

Your siblings with kids know that their family hasn't been forgotten. You and your DH are a family too. I can see why your family being overlooked would make you feel sad.