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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 13/12/2017 16:45

Thats just horrible Lisa Sad

roomsonfire · 13/12/2017 16:46

bit like me OP. siblings have several kids I only have one. So I'm spending more on siblings family iyswim.

because of this I've started buying a token family gift of a big box of chocolates and biscuits with a tub of hot chocolate. I can't realistically afford 2-3 individual gifts per family (I am on carers allowance so as you can tell my cash is limited) and pound shop ones are noticed so spending under a tenner on stuff for xmas is within budget.

Its caused no end of grief though because my siblings expect individual gifts because my DC has an individual gift Hmm

I buy what I can afford not whats expected.

Aria2015 · 13/12/2017 16:46

Urgh don’t like the just buy for children but anyway but think it’s cheeky they don’t buy for you when you don’t have any! I’d be annoyed too! Yes kids love Christmas but so do adults!

GingerbreadMa · 13/12/2017 16:47

Ketzele, would love to say YABU but realistically its probably a bit of both Sad

As mum of the youngest I dont think they see the difference as they dont remember the fuss made of the older cousins, so while it makes ME sad for them, I think/hope it doesnt affect them so much!!

Jaxhog · 13/12/2017 16:48

It was my DM who suggested it for us (me and 3 siblings). Seemed ok to start with, but it soon got seen as unfair. Funnily enough it was the siblings with the most kids who first broke. My DM still doesn't get why it was unfair to leave out the non parents altogether. Probably because she still got a pressie from everyone. We still don't spend a lot, but at least now everyone gets something. Adults do tend to get jokey pressies, but all in (moderately) good taste.

We tried the secret santa too, and that was a complete disaster.

mostlysinging · 13/12/2017 16:48

We do this but we all have kids (although I only have 1 and my brother has 2 and my BIL has 5!!!). But I suck it up and in the main it works.

My best friend (and DS' godmother) and I agreed to stop Xmas presents a while back but I always buy her one from DS as she is always very generous with her gifts to him. She knows I buy it but I feel it balances things out.

LagunaBubbles · 13/12/2017 16:49

But christmas is for kids, isnt it??? Are adults really bothered about receiving crap they dont really want presents? We just buy tokens for the sale of unwrapping. But evem that is really just for the sake of the kids

No I dont agree Christmas is just for kids at all, thats a bit sad. And Ive never bought my DH crap in his life and vice versa, so I have no idea where this assumption comes from that adult gifts are "crap".

rackelle · 13/12/2017 16:50

We've been in the same situation, DH's brothers have 9 children between them and up until this year we had none and we were told only buying for the kids 🙄 we just bought token presents, no more than £5 each as that was still £45 of presents for nothing in return for years!

Thermostatpolice · 13/12/2017 16:50

"In the OP's position with her family's rule I'd be happy to receive something baked and covered in germs from my DNs. It would mean that they actually thought about me at Christmas. And that my siblings weren't encouraging entitlement. But each to their own."

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to imply that you wouldn't appreciate such a gesture. Was talking to Mirialis and didn't make that clear.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/12/2017 16:51

Thats just horrible Lisa sad

It was pretty shit, but as I said it wasn't a one-off (though only one person who knew about my miscarriages) - I'd say about half of the people I excitedly told I had a new nephew came out with some line about how special the first grandchild is! I guess people don't think, but maybe they should...

madeyemoodysmum · 13/12/2017 16:52

Can you not buy them a small gift each. They are your nephews and Nieces after all?
My dh has a child free sib. She buys for us and the kids but we do by for her and her partner.

Howsthings1234 · 13/12/2017 16:53

Ooooh that's made me think a bit more about things from my bro and SIL's point of view. I think I will get them a box of chocolates from my daughter xxx

GingerbreadMa · 13/12/2017 16:54

I have kids and I dont think christmas is jusr for kids. I would be gutted if nobody thought of me (dont mean expensive gifts, just a bit of thought and recignition)
Maybe Im just childish but thats how I feel!

LivLemler · 13/12/2017 16:55

YABU! We do this in DH's family (no DC in mine yet). BIL and SIL have three DC, we have none. We always buy for their DC at Christmas and birthdays. We cancelled adult presents years ago - between the siblings that is, PIL still buy for all of us and we all buy for them.

We also tend to spend a night or two at BIL and SIL's over Christmas and so always bring a hosting gift (wine, biccies etc).

I don't see why people see buying for DNs as buying for their parents though - they're their own individual people!

greenapplesplatter · 13/12/2017 16:55

OP YADNBU!! I like it when these threads come up because I can complain about DH's CF cousins.

The family rule was 'to only buy for the children' fair enough it was what it was.

When DH & I first got together there was 1 child, our 7th year together the child count was up to 8 between SH's 3 cousins, presents £25 per child.

Our 8th year we had DD & there were another 2 children born that year in the family. It was then decided it was a bit too much & 'we'd all just buy for our own' so DD has never had a present despite us buying for 8 kids in previous 1 to 7 years 😱

WT actual F?????

WeAllHaveWings · 13/12/2017 16:56

You aren’t buying your siblings dc presents you are buying your nieces and nephews, surely you don’t begrudge that? The pleasure is in giving to children. There is nothing wrong with buying them present well within you means if you are not financially secure.

If you want a gift maybe suggest a secret Santa? Otherwise you are going to be spending a lot more (for probably tat back).

For adults the gift we give each other at Christmas is our time. We stop children’s gifts at 21 (although I get them a bottle for n’erday).

If you have dc in the future your dc will benefit from gifts from their aunt and uncles.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 13/12/2017 16:56

I have 1 child. My brother and my ex's sister have 2 each. The more children come along the less I have to spend on each child and they understand this and are very much in agreement that as I'm a single mum I can't afford it. However I wouldn't expect them to spend just as much on my child, it whatever we can afford.
Also each adult whether a full sibling or in-law get the same amount from me.
I do think it's unfair that you don't get anything despite spending money on their kids. Even a token gift as a thankyou. What happens at birthdays?
Between my friends we've just decided to get gifts for us as the kids get enough.

PaintingByNumbers · 13/12/2017 16:57

The assumption that adult gifts are crap comes from looking at the kind of utter tat on sale in every single shop at this time of year. Its not hard to assume people are not buying it for themselves. 3 for 2 boots smellies galore

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 16:57

Good on you @roomsonfire

madey the difference is you are buying for your SIL and her partner. OP's siblings are not getting them anything.

MidniteScribbler · 13/12/2017 16:57

Many years ago my extended family started off with 'let's just buy for the kids', but with one family having six, another with four, and then others who were childfree, we realised it was pretty unfair. After a few different configurations, we now draw one name for one person, and buy a present for that person, child or adult. One person, one gift, nice and easy, and very fair. We've been doing it for about ten years now, and it works well.

TinyDoom · 13/12/2017 16:58

We have a kids only policy in my family. We don't apply this to SIL, who is child-free. She (very kindly) gets each of our children and present and "the kids" give her something really lovely in return.

starzig · 13/12/2017 16:59

YABU totally U. And a big meanie

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 17:01

I don't see why people see buying for DNs as buying for their parents though - they're their own individual people!

Maybe my view on this is skewed by the fact that my friends and siblings all have young (under 5) children who I suspect barely notice the origin of their gift, but when I buy for them I absolutely think of it as a nice thing I'm doing for their parents. With the friends, in particular (maybe less so nieces and nephews) I'm definitely doing it as a gesture of my friendship with their parents - it's not like I go around giving out toys to random children as a celebration of the joy of giving to kids at Christmas!

fromthebreach · 13/12/2017 17:01

YANBU. I'd be very tempted to suggest a secret santa between the actual parents, based on the fact that gifts are not meant to be an obligation! If there are lots of children, perhaps send a whole-family gift like a game they can play, tickets for a day out (or take them yourself) etc.

MargaretCavendish · 13/12/2017 17:02

Oh and greenapple I think you win the thread - that is appalling!