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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
He11y · 15/12/2017 07:35

We used to do children only n our family but childless siblings received a gift - that’s the fair thing to do.

It went pear shaped however when the parents of the first child to reach 18 stopped buying for all the other children because their child was now an adult and others followed suit!

My youngest child has found this particularly upsetting because she’s 10 years younger than the youngest of the other ‘children’ in the family, who are all fairly close in age and now only one of her aunts/uncles acknowledges her at Christmas/her birthday. She feels she missed out on having close aged cousins at her birthday parties etc and this just rubs salt in the wound.

I used to be cross about it as it’s not her fault she’s so much younger, but now I think oh well, it is what it is, some people are just arseholes. I’m not prepared to cause a row over it so I’ve let it go and she does very much appreciate the aunt/uncle who do acknowledge her on her birthday and at Christmas.

You too can decide whether to put up with it. Like me, you either need to act or let it go, or it will eat you up.

Lizzie48 · 15/12/2017 07:53

Personally I'm very happy not to get presents from family members, so it's fine to only buy presents for the children in the family as far as I'm concerned. I can certainly do without boxes of chocolate (I struggle with my weight!), books I'm not interested in or face or hand cream. I like what Tallia has said, that children are not extensions of their parents, actually the parents are not opening presents either!

ohamIreally · 15/12/2017 07:55

Ive been thinking about this and I can't get my head around how it works. So for instance I buy for my sister, her DH and their two adult DD so four presents. My sister buys me a (lovely) gift. I'm not grabby at all but it does seem rather unfair that the person doing most of the thinking buying and wrapping gets the least back.

HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 15/12/2017 08:06

I find it odd that you are on mumsnet without kids? I assumed it was for people with kids already?

I came here while ttc. Got support through 3 rounds of ivf and one miscarriage.
Is it ok if I stay or should I shuffle off.
Perhaps I should start barren old hag net?

Anyway. We are childfree and buy for the under 18s. It has never occurred to me that I’m being done over here.
Frankly I don’t want to tat from people I hardly ever see.

waterlily200 · 15/12/2017 08:11

We always bought presents for the adults but once they had kids we all agreed the money we'd spend on the adults would go to the kids. It's worked out well so far but in your circumstances I think it's fairer that you get presents until u have kids.

SunshineClouds · 15/12/2017 08:18

YANBU. It’s pretty thoughtless of your family. Although ( another moan) try being single when your family decides to do this. I end up gettting myself a couple of presents because otherwise I’d have nothing to open on the day.

Kitsharrington · 15/12/2017 08:22

No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! That blows, I’d maybe make a donation to charity on behalf of the lot of them and spoil myself and DH.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 15/12/2017 08:23

When we had DS and before DB had kids we bought for adults and kids. When DB had kids we stpped buying for adults. Will continue to buy for kids prob until they each reach 18

bananafish81 · 15/12/2017 08:30

The fair way would be to still buy for you until you have your own kids.

'Until' someone has their own children is massively presumptuous

Maybe they want children but can't have them

Maybe they need IVF but can't afford it

Maybe one partner wants children and the other doesn't

Maybe they are happily child free rather than childless and will never have children by choice

Not everyone who doesn't have children is going to go on to have children of their own

ihavetogoshoppingnow · 15/12/2017 08:30

But you’d still be spending more than them? If you had to buy for adults and kids and they just had to buy for you Confused

whatithink · 15/12/2017 08:35

We did this in my family, except for the one couple who didn't have children and they were bought presents.

famousfour · 15/12/2017 08:53

I'm totally in the Christmas is for children Brigade. Just can't be arsed any more with all the adult present buying - seems childish somehow. But others think differently.

On you specific point - I bought my godchildren presents for years before I had my own children. Because I wanted to buy them a present. It didn't occur to me to expect them or their parents to buy me a gift in return. Is your situation any different?

I suppose it is because you are all collectively together in the same place so perhaps feels like it is all going in one direction.

PurplePenguins · 15/12/2017 09:12

We had the same argument albeit slightly different. I had 3 DC, xDH bros had one each. They moaned like crazy that they bought 4 and I bought 2.

Strongmummy · 15/12/2017 09:26

Oh for goodness sake grow up. You can afford to buy your own things I assume? Do that. It’s called being a adult.

Hopeful103 · 15/12/2017 09:50

You are being really petty op. And a tit for tAt. We have bought for all our nephews and nieces for 10years and got nothing in return. It didn't even cross my mind to expect anything. Now that we have a ds he gets gifts too. If I want something then I shoulf by it for myself shouldn't I?
Basically you are tallying it up and comparing yourselves to children, that's embarrassing.

Els1e · 15/12/2017 10:19

We do this and I (the one with no children) buy for 7 nephews and nieces plus 3 friends children. I don't mind and see this as part of Christmas. I love getting the handmade Christmas cards from them. However, if I felt the gifts were not appreciated, I would be less inclined.

TherealDeeBliss · 15/12/2017 11:28

We have that rule but buy for childless couple the raw deal they get isn't fair!

Pensionista · 15/12/2017 12:02

Become a Jehovas Witness.....problem solved.

BinkyBuntyFintyCunty · 15/12/2017 13:23

OP maybe you should say “obviously, we’re excluded from this arrangement then until we have kids...ok, if that’s what you prefer” Smile

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the couples with children to give you a present and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest. I know it’s not the spirit of Xmas and will likely be flamed but I have a real downer this year about buying thoughtful (and often requested) lovely presents for family who I know have bought tat back in return (money not an issue either). Why bother? Why ask me what DS would like (a book token please) and then send lots of Poundland tat instead? How is it okay to request expensive (clarins, molton brown) toiletries and then send my dh two little bottles of beer? It happens each year and each year I say I am going to be just as tight/thoughtless next year but can’t bring myself to do it.

It’s absolutely not about giving to receive but it’s also about not taking the piss either.

iwantsomesun · 15/12/2017 13:27

I can understand if you feel a little forgotten. A single, childless friend of mine's family decided to give xmas presents to children only, so he receives no presents from anyone in his family. Everyone else is married with children, so they receive from their partners & children. He would never say anything to them but I know he feels excluded so I always make sure to send him something to unwrap on xmas morning.

I've also noticed that in his family a budget per birthday gift seems to have been agreed. He spends that budget on each family member but receives the same budget from each collective family (i.e £50 each to sibling/partner & 2 kids so £200 - but receives back one gift of £50 - I feel the adults should each be buying him a gift or equivalent priced joint one). I wish I could step in & speak to his siblings about the unfairness as I'm sure they just haven't even thought about it.

iMogster · 15/12/2017 16:44

YANBU. I would just get them a small gift each to keep the peace.

In my family, we were first to have kids and I wouldn't dream of saying only present our way please!

okeydokeygirl · 15/12/2017 17:53

I think YABU. 5 presents is not that many. If you had kids you would not get any anyway. As long as they show appreciation and say thank you. If you are really unhappy about it just say you are not buying anything for anyone and don't expect anything. Personally I am glad we don't buy presents for adults. We knocked that on the head over 20 years ago when we were all adults and child free and were all spending time and money on things that people probably did not want anyway. Instead we spent money on food drink and games. When kids came along we bought for them only. For 10 years only one couple had kids. Oldest is now 25. Youngest is 9 months. I continue to buy for the 'children' until they stop spending Christmas with us ( they all still keep coming for the games!) or they start having kids themselves. Then their kids get gifts instead. It works for us.

Butterflyhulk · 15/12/2017 18:25

I have 2 siblings + my dp has 5 siblings 4 of my partners siblings have 2 kids each + my sister has 2 kids and we have 2 kids so we all only buy for the kids x but my younger brother and my dp youngest sister don't have kids so we get them a present too after buying our own 2 + 10 nieces and nephews we simply cannot afford to buy all siblings and there partners so agreed to only buy kids and siblings without kids. We still buy parents and grandparents too so there's 9 adults plus we get each other presents off the kids, if we got all adults gifts there would be an extra 9 adults to buy for x wouldn't not get the 2 siblings without kids a present though as 1 is only 12 so still only a kid himself and the other buys all her 10 nieces and nephews presents so why shouldn't she receive something off us all xx

Summerisdone · 15/12/2017 18:26

YANBU
I understand that many people choose to go down this route when gift giving as it becomes bloody expensive, however if there are any child free people involved then they should be bought a gift.

Babybrain123 · 15/12/2017 19:20

I am a mum of one who has made this agreement with my friends. My 3 closest friends have more than one child each (2, 2 expecting 1 more and 3). Add on my siblings children and I have 9 to buy for plus my own. I love each and every one of the children I am buying for, and don't expect anything for myself, but I do get a niggling thought that I am spending out £30-40 per family and my child is receiving a gift around the £10 mark in return.
I try not to dwell on it too much though, Christmas is the time of giving after all!