Page 16 | “Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

PinkJeggings · 2017-12-13T14:56:04+00:00

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings. The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return! AIBU to have a little moan?

vdbfamily · 14/12/2017 20:53

Solution is a secret santa between adults, ie just one present with set budget for one other adult in the family and then same for kids, so number of kids in total is divied up amongst the adult siblings and each child gets a secret santa 'family' gift. So....if you have 4 couples, each couple buy one secret santa gift for a child and you rotate each year that one couple has to buy a second gift, or like in our family, the wealthiest couple buy the extra gift!

gillybeanz · 14/12/2017 21:08

I've never met anyone before who expects a present in return.
If you don't want to buy for others then don't do it, it's not rocket science.
For us it's simple we don't give (apart from immediate family) and don't expect, anything in return.

OP, it's about the giving, not receiving
HTH

Juzza12 · 14/12/2017 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wellymelly · 14/12/2017 21:16

I am single parent one child now 17. For ever I’ve done the exchange with other people who always have 2 or more children (of course). Ex’s SIL has always kept me in loop and I’ve bought for her 2 but on occasions when my DS has visited them with his dad, he’s conveniently allowed them to think gift from my DS and his dad!!!! That really sucks. However, I like to buy for kids in life but have resorted to buying cheap things eg. Last yr a pic frame each for nieces on ex’s side of family, which was like a snow globe with glitter in and I suggested they might like to put photos of special friends in...they were delighted and they only cost about £5 ea. Made it but more fun. They were nice quality but I shop around.

MrsKCastle · 14/12/2017 21:54

For us it's simple we don't give (apart from immediate family) and don't expect, anything in return.

OP, it's about the giving, not receiving
HTH

But if you don't give beyond immediate family, how do you teach the children how wonderful it is to give? Don't they ever ask what you're getting for Auntie X or friend Y?

moomoo1965 · 14/12/2017 22:02

Husbands family - 3 couples. 2 with 2 kids, 1 with 4 kids - buy presents for all kids and all adults, love it. I buy presents for my godchildren in their 20s and always will, even if it’s just a bottle of nice wine or posh socks. 2 of my kids godparents are childfree and we always buy them something from the kids, smelly candle, pair of earrings, perfume. Maybe extravagant I don’t know or care, just seems right!

mirialis · 14/12/2017 22:07

I've never met anyone before who expects a present in return

You have met plenty of people who think one-way gift giving takes the piss, you just haven't realised.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2017 22:07

I can understand what you mean

For years I have brought close friends kids birthday and xmas pressies

Tho I stop at 18. One friends child is 21 so I stopped 3yrs ago

This is the first xmas I am a mummy. Taken almost 11yrs including pregnancy

It’s not tit for tat but will be interesting if my dd gets birthday and xmas pressies till she is 18 from the ones I have brought for

mirialis · 14/12/2017 22:13

we don't give... and we don't expect

exactly - but if you gave, you would expect (and stop giving after a while if there was no return or maybe trick yourself into thinking you were really altruistic by not acknowledging you actually do it for the personal reward of thinking you are a GOOD person).

danipea · 14/12/2017 22:33

YANBU As a family we decided to do this but we only stopped buying for the Adults when they had children of their own, so everyone with children just got Childrens pressies and those without Children still bought for the children but all the other adults bought for them as well. This is by far the most fair way of doing Christmas. We have only just stopped buying for my 30 year old Niece as she has just had her own Baby so we buy for my Great Niece Instead. We only do this at Christmas and come Birthdays we all buy for each other whether Adult or Child. Lets hope they all buy for you xxxx

Thermostatpolice · 14/12/2017 22:44

mirialis

but the "only buying for kids" is shitty for the child-free adults in the family, no matter which way you look at it, irrespective of whether the kids themselves are "entitled/spoilt" or not.

Going back a couple of pages, but I completely agree with you there. It's very thoughtless.

Dustbunny1900 · 14/12/2017 22:49

Wow lots of nasty self righteous hipster bullshit.

There are people whose "love language" is giving and receiving thoughtful gifts. It doesn't mean they are greedy or less mature and aware than you, , it's just different forms of how they communicate love.

I also understand after awhile it can feel one-sided.

op! This year I'd break the cycle. Gifts should be appreciated and reciprocated in some way.
You aren't feeling it his year, so don't!! The resentment will grow

mirialis · 14/12/2017 23:03

God I feel old... not getting the 'hipster' thing at all

Just think the simple message is this: whether through choice or misfortune, members of your family who don't have DC could maybe do with a bit of acknowledgement at Christmas too if you want them to acknowledge your DC. You might understandably feel that your DC having gifts is all the acknowledgment you need, or that you are certain you will have DC in the future so are A-OK with this set up, but perhaps just think about the fact it can be that the big focus on DC at Christmas can be a bit difficult on those who don't have them for various reasons and still want to feel that "family" is important at this time of year. If your non DC-bearing relatives have suggested this "rule", great, as they are clearly fine with it. If not, please don't impose this on them without checking in with them first. It's quite thoughtless otherwise and therefore not in the spirit of the season.

gillybeanz · 15/12/2017 00:02

MrsK

They have bought presents for lots of friends and family, not just at Christmas, but lots of celebrations. They have their own money and make their own choices, two are grown ups now.
We never got into the whole buying teachers presents neither.
If someone bought me a present I'd buy them one back, I'm not mean, just not into giving and receiving presents as much as some people.

Jellyheadbang · 15/12/2017 00:50

Fuck it. Five selection boxes. Job done.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/12/2017 01:03

But if you don't give beyond immediate family, how do you teach the children how wonderful it is to give? Don't they ever ask what you're getting for Auntie X or friend Y?

The annual consumer orgy of exchanging useless tat the donor often can't afford and which the donee most likely doesn't want, need or like has no bearing whatsoever in teaching children to be generous.

SugarRush123 · 15/12/2017 01:28

I can see that it’s a tough one but assuming that you may have kids one day it may all work itself out?

My DSis is 10 years younger. DH and I have supported her in many ways, including providing a sofabed for countless student reunions since she left London and even buying her first car when our parents refused.

On the other hand, she’s been amazing with our children. Lovely gifts for Christenings, birthdays, Christmas... More importantly, travelling to attend important occasions, or even to take the kids to important movies or theme park events.

Dsis is now married; no children yet. I can promise you that the day she has a baby this child will be spoiled by us (including cousins who will be teenagers by then) until she/he reaches 18 AT LEAST. And that baby would be the uncontested darling of the family.
Fingers crossed!

MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow · 15/12/2017 01:56

I'm going to spoil you! I'll even do it till you're 18!

Op yanbu. Your family unit is contributing towards other family units and receiving nothing in return. Saying "kids only" is like those low level exclusionary games that kids play - "presents for everyone except if you've got no kids".

Tallia · 15/12/2017 02:06

YABU. You seem to see the children as extensions of their parents, the parents aren't receiving gifts, the children are. The parents are buying just as many gifts (in fact I'm sure they're buying a lot more, since they'll probably be buying lots for their own children, plus presents for their children's friends etc) and won't be receiving many back.

I buy presents for and treat my nieces and nephews because I love them and want to treat them, and want to be a part of making some lovely memories for them.

If you don't want to buy presents for the children don't. If you want to buy presents for the adults as well, say that. Though you'd still be unreasonable to expect presents in return, especially since lots of parents have very little spare cash.

In my family it's the child-free siblings who push to not buy for the adults but since the sibling who has children agrees one thing then does whatever she feels like anyway, we're not doing that this year.

GingerbreadMa · 15/12/2017 02:12

Though you'd still be unreasonable to expect presents in return, especially since lots of parents have very little spare cash

The OP said that these parents are better off then her
But carry on with telling the childfree that they cant possibly understand how terribly busy and importand and on tight budgets people with children are....

FFS its not THAT hard to think of a little trinket your siblings might like is it?

Tallia · 15/12/2017 02:18

As a childfree person I'm pretty comfortable with what I just said.

And as a childfree person I really wish my sibling with children would appreciate how busy I am, and that just because I don't have children doesn't mean that I have lots of spare time.

DarkDarkNight · 15/12/2017 02:45

I can't afford and don't have the headspace to buy presents for my siblings and their partners. I just buy for the kids.

The exception is one brother who is childless. He is incredibly generous with all of his nieces and nephews and doesn't earn a lot. I always get him a few small presents to open (a mix of socks, mugs, jokey presents and a graphic novel or annual he likes) and an Amazon voucher so he can treat himself in January.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/12/2017 02:48

Solution is a secret santa between adults, ie just one present with set budget for one other adult in the family and then same for kids, so number of kids in total is divied up amongst the adult siblings and each child gets a secret santa 'family' gift. So....if you have 4 couples, each couple buy one secret santa gift for a child and you rotate each year that one couple has to buy a second gift, or like in our family, the wealthiest couple buy the extra gift!

Do people actually spend time and effort on this sort of thing?

TreeTreethatsmoi · 15/12/2017 07:08

My brother in law has no children but has 4 nieces and nephews to buy for (only 2 are mine). We have the agreement that we don’t buy for adults but I always buy for my brother in law as I don’t think it’s fair that he buys for all the children but gets very little to open himself. He would only get a present from his mum if we didn’t buy for him!

Wormysquirmy · 15/12/2017 07:15

You aren't being unreasonable! It's just the thought on Xmas that people buy for your family, even if that that family doesn't have kids.

One of my siblings doesn't have kids and I spend more on her than she does on me and my kids put together!

You remind me of what my tight arsed sister said the year I had my first baby (she has 4 kids and I had bought for them all every year, for a decade!). "We were thinking this year we might just stop presents for kids. What do you think?!"