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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

288 replies

Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 12:29

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

OP posts:
zzzzz · 14/12/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 10:13

That is a very sensible approach zzzzz. And you've not needed to mention what your husband does for a job either.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/12/2017 10:15

I personally do not value SAHM’s they turn into menopausal empty nesters with no function in life.

I work 6 hours a week

I am very chuffed that i will not be a menopausal empty nester with no function

I assume that if i worked for one hour a week it would be the same?

In which case...

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 10:18

Don't justify yourself.
Just saying SAHM to me would have me wondering how the hell you do it!!
All power to you.
I couldn't do it!

zzzzz · 14/12/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2017 11:29

I enjoy spending time with my children and would not dream of putting them in childcare for someone else to raise them.

See, it's unnecessary shit like this that goads the nasty kind of 'menopausal empty nesters' comments. Both are as bad as each other. With comments like these I can only wonder how you will manage to raise kind, respectful children, whatever your choices and beliefs about what is 'right' for them.

Dh and I are raising our dc thanks very much. But I don't feel compelled to get drawn into justifying our choices to a stranger on an internet forum. I honestly never encounter this level of judginess in real life. Thank fuck.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 14/12/2017 12:48

Seconded re @LittleLionMansMummy 's comment above!

One (SAHP) friend on FB recently shared what I considered to be a fairly inflammatory, patronising, sanctimonious blog called "Things not to say to a stay at home parent". I'm not going to share it because frankly I don't want to give the author the traffic. He's a professional blogger and frankly if I increase his site traffic then I'm just helping line his pockets, which I have no desire to do when he comes out with sanctimonious verbal diarrhoea like "what do I do all day? I parent...", moaning about how much ironing SAHP do as if nobody with a job has ever even picked up an iron, and my personal favourite, "we both stay at home because spending time with our children is far more important to us than any amount of material possessions." Patronising, nasty, smug , sanctimonious twat. If by material possessions he includes being able to afford housing in a safer neighbourhood, a reasonable distance from my husband's work so he gets to spend more time with our kids rather than just one of us getting to, and being able to afford things like eating more organic food with fewer chemicals in rather than having to watch the food budget more carefully, then yes, by all means tar me with your shitty "care more about stuff than time with children" brush, but the reality in far more households these are not binary issues, it's more nuanced than that, and the list of factors that any given person considers when determining whether to have both parents working or one as a SAHM parent is far more complex than just a straightforward decision as to whether they'd rather be financially comfortable or spend more time with their kids....and that's assuming they have a choice in it at all.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 13:08

I agree with you Treason, it's never a binary choice. Ultimately though, it's not as if anybody is going to alter their life, just because of randoms on the internet. I was called the c word this morning. Imagine feeling that strongly about the lifestyle of someone you have never met.

NataliaOsipova · 14/12/2017 13:12

but the reality in far more households these are not binary issues, it's more nuanced than that

Absolutely. Well said. And I say this as a SAHM!

Everything in life has pros and cons. And everyone's situation is different. So people make the best decision for their individual family - and they are uniquely placed to do that.

It is very easy to sneer at someone else for "prioritising money" when you have a lot of it. It's also crass and rather lacking in understanding of the realities of modern life.

YoloSwaggins · 14/12/2017 13:58

I'm not there yet, but when my DC have all gone, I intend on doing exactly as I'm doing now, only more of the travel and the things I love.

So it's OK for your husband to work but for you to chill out living off his money once your kids are gone?

I get SAHMs are doing a really important job looking after their kids. It's the justification of why they're not working once their kids are grown up that gets me. "Oh there's no point now!". But the husband still works long hours. Fair?

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 14:02

Yolo - my husband may work long hours but he also has countless hobbies and has a lot more trips away / days out to this purpose than I do. So where I might do an hour here or there during school hours, he'll take himself off for a week to scale a mountain or something. It all balances out probably.

Cavender · 14/12/2017 14:05

People seem to assume that once you have chosen to be a SAHM that’s it, you’ll be a SAHM for ever.

That’s not my experience.

I was a SAHM for 5 years when my D.C. were little and went back to work full time for five years.

I’m now a SAHM again for a period because DH’s job brought us to the US. When we return to the U.K. I’ll go back to working full time.

CharleneMonaco · 14/12/2017 14:06

I've been a SAHM since DD was born 13 years ago. Well, I've had two a few forays back into the world of work but the dog decided we're all happier if I'm at home. I'm already menopausal and if i become an empter nester, I'll just get more dogs. So none of you need worry about this SAHM.

SleepFreeZone · 14/12/2017 14:10

That's why lots of SAHMs have small businesses that may or may not make pin money. Then they can write in their Facebook profile that they are a Director of that company and then no one has to be embarrassed anymore.

SleepFreeZone · 14/12/2017 14:12

Yolo perhaps the dynamic works for that family. I know my DP would be perfectly content with him working and me being a home maker. As it is I want to work once the kids are both at school but he'd never make me.

Lesley1980 · 14/12/2017 14:29

Looking after children is a menial task. Why do it yourself when you can pay someone minimal wages to do it for you. You get to keep your career, high wages, pension, perks & status.

zzzzz · 14/12/2017 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 14:41

Has someone released the lunatics round here? GrinGrinGrin

zzzzz · 14/12/2017 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 14:56

"Why do it yourself when you can pay someone MINIMAL WAGE to do it for you?"

I take it this is a joke?

DD's school broke up at 12 today. There are 2 in her class who are work and I admire one of them very much, actually. I have both of their daughters here this afternoon until about 5pm. One of the nannies has just called to say she can't come to pick the little girl up. She said that between 3 and 6pm she will be "cooking dinner" Hmm Also she can't drive and is not getting a taxi as she's on "minimum wage" GrinGrinGrin

It's a 20 minute drive so we'll see what happens.

CharleneMonaco · 14/12/2017 15:43

MN isn't big on the sisterhood. We don't need the patriarchy to keep us down. We'll just shit on each other. This thread is proof of that.

YoloSwaggins · 14/12/2017 15:52

Not going to work after kids are grown up because "my husband would be happy with me staying at home" is also enforcing patriarchal structures......

YoloSwaggins · 14/12/2017 15:53

Ultimately if women don't go out to work and don't fill jobs in which important decisions are made (leadership roles), men will still be making decisions for women.

KERALA1 · 14/12/2017 16:12

How does having a job prevent one being a menopausal empty-nester?!

KERALA1 · 14/12/2017 16:17

"That's why lots of SAHMs have small businesses that may or may not make pin money. Then they can write in their Facebook profile that they are a Director of that company and then no one has to be embarrassed anymore."

Whoever wrote that is extremely bitchy. I have done this - last month made as much as DH and he is a high earner who didn't take a career break Hmm