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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

288 replies

Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 12:29

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 13/12/2017 23:07

Doesn’t everyone have to justify what they do? I have had plenty of experiences of being judged for going back to work when DD was 10 weeks old and for working ft, along with many other “parenting fails” I could explain my reasons for my “controversial decisions” here but I don’t feel the need to. Maybe you just need more belief that what you’re doing is right for YOUR family

InDubiousBattle · 13/12/2017 23:13

Bless grobags, but an awful lot of people in this country are in the same boat. In my experience SAHMs are really not to be pitied. Lots of people have children without adequate insurance or savings or pensions. It is by no means a SAHM 'problem'. Do you actually, in any way, admire them (which I don't think any single one has ever asked for!)?

julessussex · 14/12/2017 00:45

Stepawayfromgoogle I didn’t mean to offend you, maybe I should have said that caring for young children is taxing at times, it can try anyone’s patience, sometimes I feel this role is best served by someone who loves the child, eg a grandparent, parent, close friend...

I worked full time when my eldest daughter was growing up. I had to use a nursery when she was very little and found the whole experience very stressful. I didnt feel that the staff had the same depth of love and engagement with my daughter as my mum or I had. She was treated like a number. I’m just being honest. I had to work full time because of my circumstances then, I bought her up on my own and didn’t have any financial support from her father.

I now have 2 more children and am married. My husband earns a reasonable wage but we are struggling the one income and I am resisting going back to work because I can’t bear to leave my kids with a stranger. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think it is the same.

Jubejube1 · 14/12/2017 01:34

SAHM only when your kids are not yet in school or nursery. Then you’re a SAH ? -person who doesn’t have a job.
I think some women do feel inadequate not working & being entirely dependent on their partner’s income. But justify to themselves & everyone else that it’s best for their children. I know someone who became a SAHM after a successful career furious that someone had had the audacity to ask her if she was planning to go back to work when her kids started school. Her retort was “I’ve done my time! I’ve worked for 18 years” 😮 She was 40. The privilege of those who can afford to. In her case she’d inherited a load of money from a previous partner who had died. Or the privilege of those who live off benefits & are quite content to do so. I personally do not value SAHM’s they turn into menopausal empty nesters with no function in life.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 05:10

Jube you are very boring.

If you think your job will keep the menopause away, you keep on going.

I'm not there yet, but when my DC have all gone, I intend on doing exactly as I'm doing now, only more of the travel and the things I love.

You're right it is the "privilege of those who can afford to" because, as in most of life, money buys choice. People SAH because they want to and they can - it's as simple as that. Who sets out to complicate their life further than they need to? I know men who are retiring in their 40s because they sell a company or something. "Empty nesters" or living the life of their choice? You decide.

Foxjar · 14/12/2017 07:09

Well this SAHP along with every other SAHP I know successfully returned to work after enjoying the time off I had which I saved and worked for. No privilege here. Maybe privilege is having children then wailing that others should fund their care whilst you work.Hmm

I have worked and pushed myself since school days,never received any benefits,no tax credits or help including help with childcare.

I'd have lost most of my salary to childcare, instead I lost it to me staying home. Benefitted us all hugely. Now I must get ready for work.

AnachronisticCorpse · 14/12/2017 07:11

I’m intelligent and capable, but have made sketchy life choices and have very few qualifications and not much experience (GCSEs and half an A level, and many short lived jobs). So really my job options are limited. There’s not really much fulfilment to be had working in Asda, and the one ‘proper job’ I had burned me out so much I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital.

I’d far rather be at home crafting, reading, watching films and running the home while the kids are at school, and doing a bit of volunteering, than slogging my guts out for minimum wage and spending it all on holiday childcare, ta.

I know how lucky I am to have that option, but it does make me laugh when people talk about it being a choice between a fulfilling career or being stuck at home.

AnachronisticCorpse · 14/12/2017 07:12

OTOH, my sister has a brilliant career and loves her job so she is the other side of the coin. She would go mad stuck at home, just as I would go mad working as much as she does.

Different strokes, innit. Let’s all try to be a bit more accepting of other people’s choices, eh?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/12/2017 07:23

AnachronisticCorpse:
"Different strokes, innit. Let’s all try to be a bit more accepting of other people’s choices, eh?"

^This. A million times over.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/12/2017 07:24

My husband earns a reasonable wage but we are struggling the one income and I am resisting going back to work because I can’t bear to leave my kids with a stranger.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, who lets the household struggle without stepping up? He will end up very resentful.

I pressure you are going to home educate then, we wouldn't want the chidren left with strangers would we...

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2017 07:25

Jube are you wanting some attention?

VileyRose · 14/12/2017 07:26

No benefits here either. I do have 4 DC and the youngest is 11mths but I was also a SAHM when the eldest were at school and I had no little DC at home. I don't care what people think. Some days I do nothing and other days I am really busy.

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 14/12/2017 07:39

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, who lets the household struggle without stepping up? He will end up very resentful.

Every marriage is different. You can't judge this posters marriage on a couple if lines she's written online. Perhaps your husband would end up resentful but maybe her husband appreciates the effort she puts in at home and agrees, despite the tight financial situation, that they're doing the best for their children? You cant make assumptions like this and then condemn a stranger's marriage.

julessussex · 14/12/2017 07:44

Yellowmakesmesmile no, I am not home educating but my kids do appreciate coming home at the end of a long day at school and not just being parked with childminder.

Does my husband resent me? He says not, but sometimes I doubt him. He doesn’t cook or do anything in the home, when we met I carried on working full time for a few years before we had children together and I didn’t get in from work until about 8pm, I had to walk straight into the kitchen to start cooking dinner, despite the fact that he works from home he wouldn’t have prepared anything. I was spending my whole weekend doing housework, laundry and gardening. I was exhausted and burnt out.

I think that this is such a personal thing, if you have family support them working is viable, I would be happy to leave my kids with grandparents who care but unfortunately we do not have any family, so it wouldn’t have to be childminders and I honestly believe my kids would be miserable in that situation so that is why I am prepared to make financial sacrifices now.

julessussex · 14/12/2017 07:46

Typo -it would have to be a childminder...

Mammylamb · 14/12/2017 07:50

Look, no matter what you do, someone will have a problem with your choices. Im a WOHM and would be a SAHM if i could. But I can't, as I'm the main breadwinner. Just ignore them. Fwiw I think with toddlers it is actually easier going to work than looking after a toddler all day (it doesn't stop me wishing I was at home with my son though)

Dancinggoat · 14/12/2017 07:51

Feeling like you have to justify something is about how you think and feel. People do a mixture from not working, working part time to working full time. People may have opinions on what they think is best to do but it's the individuals feelings that make them feel the need to justify what they do.
I get cross with myself occasionally as I will ramble on about a choice I made and in reality no one cares so why am I worried !! It's the way we are wired.

FlouncyDoves · 14/12/2017 07:53

You think people are judgy to women who stay at home, try doing it as a bloke!

julessussex · 14/12/2017 07:55

For many women who work they still have to do the lions share of the work in the home as well as micromanaging everything and that is exhausting.

What I resent is the continual propaganda pedalled in the media against mothers just wanting to be mothers. This is economic policy pure and simple. The government want revenue from us, they don’t care what is best for our kids, if they did they would recognise the contribution to society invisible carers (mostly women) make. Let me pass my tax allowance onto my husband and that would make a huge difference to our income. We are looking after the next generation, these kids are going to be paying our pensions, let mothers be mothers.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2017 08:02

my kids do appreciate coming home at the end of a long day at school and not just being parked with childminder.

See, I doubt this statement very much. Since they know no different and haven't experienced the alternative, what is there to 'appreciate'? I doubt they appreciate it any more or any less than the kids who are, ahem, 'parked' with a cm. As I said upthread, my 7yo has a very close, loving, trusting relationship with his cm. He also has one with us. Thankfully he is capable of forming relationships with many people in his life. He's never once said to me "No, please Mummy, please no!!! Not the child minder again, I want to come home with you!!" She's like Mary bloody Poppins. He 'appreciates' her, and the lovely friends he's made there.

Mayhemmumma · 14/12/2017 08:09

Own it. Say I stay at home, I'm very lucky because I love it.

PacificIslander · 14/12/2017 08:28

julessussex
This is a great link. The writer is correct - whether it's by choice or by necessity the government could do more to make tax more equitable for single income families and give more support to the SAHP so they are in less of a precarious position or they do get aid as and when they are ready to go back to work.

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/12/2017 08:54

Oh yes. I have had to justify myself a number of times. I actually avoid my dh works do's and anywhere I know people are absorbed in their career; and will judge me for being at home. I'm not saying it's wrong to have a career but when it takes over your entire life, that you don't respect other people's choices, that's arrogant.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 14/12/2017 08:54

Jules despite your claims to the contrary the level of implied judgement in your posts is dreadful. "I resist going back to work because I couldn't bear to leave my kids with a stranger" for example - implies women who choose to go back to their careers don't care who looks after their children! Do you really think anyone leaves them with a stranger?! No. People leave them with a childminder or at a nursery and they check whoever it is out first to make sure they are someone they would be comfortable leaving their kids with.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 14/12/2017 09:01

PS I think the poster on the first page of the thread who said you're damned if you do, damned if you don't hit the nail on the head. There's just as much judgement levelled at both working and stay at home parents imho. The poster on this page who said (in essence) different strokes for different folks and we should all try to be more respectful of one another's life choices also got it bang on in my opinion.

The poster on the first page who said something about "well isn't it nicer for the children to have one parent at home?" on the other hand is smug and judgy and needs to pipe down. As one poster replied, it's definitely not nicer for the children if the bills can't get paid without a second income and they have to live in poverty!

For me personally, I will be returning to work after having my baby. We could probably just about get by on my husband's salary alone, but it would mean living further from work, him having a longer commute and thus getting to spend less time with his child(ren), which I don't feel would be fair on him or our baby, and probably buying in an area with worse schools than where we will probably end up buying as it is. So for us, and specifically for me, my motivations are all about what's best overall for our family. So long as that's your motivation too, then whatever your life choices are, nobody should judge you for them IMO.