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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I have to justify being a SAHM

288 replies

Emlou07 · 13/12/2017 12:29

I fully expect this to go down like a lead balloon...

Do any other SAHM/House wives feel like they have to justify themselves when someone asks what you do?

I always feel like I need to say 'I'm a SAHM, but I'm not claiming any benefits. I also don't just sit around all day'

Not that there is anything wrong with being on benefits!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 14/12/2017 09:02

He doesn’t cook or do anything in the home, when we met I carried on working full time for a few years before we had children together and I didn’t get in from work until about 8pm, I had to walk straight into the kitchen to start cooking dinner, despite the fact that he works from home he wouldn’t have prepared anything. I was spending my whole weekend doing housework, laundry and gardening. I was exhausted and burnt out.

Well, I'm missing the main point of the thread but more fool you for marrying such a selfish chauvinistic twat! I'm astonished by what some women put up with.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 09:09

That is the problem with this kind of thread though. If you say, "I don't want to leave my DC with someone else," it sounds like a criticism of those who do, even though that is the truth about how you feel. Similarly, if you say, "I would be so bored at home," it sounds like an implied judgement about those who are. And so it goes on.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2017 09:09

Well precisely honey.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2017 09:10

That's not what was said though gl1tterati. The word used was 'stranger'.

toomuchtooold · 14/12/2017 09:16

I personally do not value SAHM’s they turn into menopausal empty nesters with no function in life.

That's the kind of attitude that harms you more than it harms anyone else. I hope for your sake that you never find yourself in a life situation where SAHM suddenly is the best option for you - say if you had a DC with a chronic illness or your DH (assuming you have DC or a DH) got offered an amazing promotion abroad etc because you will find it a lot harder to make the decision with this judgemental and one dimensional view of SAHMs in your head.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 09:21

Well obviously nobody in their right mind would leave their child with a stranger, but many people simply don't want to leave their DC with "someone else" regularly, no matter how wonderful they are. That is what drives most women to SAH, I would say. It's disingenuous however, to go into the reasons why you don't want to use childcare / nannies because you are aware that some people have no choice.

honeylulu · 14/12/2017 09:22

I find the emotive language rather offensive. "Parked" with a childminder. On other threads I've seen "dumped", "palmed off" and "farmed out". So rude!!
WOHP go to a lot of trouble to find appropriate carers/ caring environments for their children.
I'm very much of the view each to their own. What suits one family won't suit another. Plus children can be very different - my two loved their nurseries. They get cabin fever if we spend to much time at home and are very busy children who like constant activity. I would have struggled to keep them occupied at home and run the house. I can't bear messy play for example which they both loved.
Timid children might do better with a parent at home but that does not mean it's "nicer" for ALL children. Mine would have been bored rigid and so would I for that matter!

user1474652148 · 14/12/2017 09:34

I love staying at home, I enjoy spending time with my children and would not dream of putting them in childcare for someone else to raise them. We can financially manage well, and would do what we had to make sure one of us was here.
I will never justify why I would have children and then not raise them? It is ridiculous. If someone asked me and no one ever has, what I do each day I would call them out for being rude and walk away. Why would you want to spend time with anyone like that??
I doubt I will ever work - I am not interested in liking myself trying to work and look after my dc, by the time my children are ready for university and adulthood we will be ready to retire. One of the few joys of being older parents (33 and 41) is that we worked extremely hard when we were young and child free, it's made a big difference to have done all of that aleady.

user1474652148 · 14/12/2017 09:35

Liking - flogging

moonmaker · 14/12/2017 09:37

Yes I agree , always feel I have to justify as I used to have a very busy career pre dc3 but it wasn't worth it as I couldn't cope , he had serious sleep issues , we could afford for me to stay off for a little while oops there i go I've justified it again !

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2017 09:38

User when your children are in school is someone else raising them?

Jubejube1 · 14/12/2017 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Barbie222 · 14/12/2017 09:39

Don’t you get that some most people don’t have that choice? How about a bit of gratitude for the position you find yourself in?

I’m in the work if you can camp, because it most cases it helps everybody in the family more in the long term pensions wise savings wise and more stability in the case of a relationship breakup.

LaurieMarlow · 14/12/2017 09:40

Every parent 'raises' their child, whether they work not. Hmm

Phrases like that don't help these discussions.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 09:42

Jube you are a peculiarly bitter person, but only you know why that is.

LaurieMarlow · 14/12/2017 09:42

Equally, calling SAHMs lives 'pointless' is both nasty and ridiculous.

NataliaOsipova · 14/12/2017 09:44

I personally do not value SAHM’s they turn into menopausal empty nesters with no function in life.

Reminds me of the son of a family friend, who recently started his first office job. "Are your colleagues nice?", I asked. "Oh God, they're a load of middle aged women who just sit around and talk about mayonnaise" was the memorable answer I received in reply....Grin

I think being interesting/having a function in life is more to do with personality than employment status....

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/12/2017 09:46

jube

*unt?

Really you are baulking at the C?

Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2017 09:48

I think Jube doesn't like women.

sydenhamhiller · 14/12/2017 09:50

I personally do not value SAHM’s they turn into menopausal empty nesters with no function in life.

Wow.

Am really intrigued by this. Why would someone say something so judgemental, so sweeping, so unkind? Is it the anonymity of the internet? Would you say it to my face as a SAHM in RL?

So, I'm a menopausal (actually, think I might be perimenopausal, but that's beside the point) empty nester with no function in life now I'm a SAHM.

How about last year when I worked part-time? Was I only partly menopausal, and partly without function?

I volunteer (trained teacher, Outstanding Ofted rated Childminder) at my youngest child's primary school, and at our local food bank. But that counts for nothing, as it's voluntary, I guess, and only paid work gives one status...

It seems like a narrow world view.

LaurieMarlow · 14/12/2017 09:52

We need to acknowledge that neither is a perfect choice, there are clear pros and cons of both working and staying at home.

What an individual family decides will come down to their own circumstances and personalities. No one needs their decisions validated by others. No one needs to be defensive.

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 09:52

I suspect Jube is neither employable or a mother or even female. Probably just woken up in a dark room somewhere - alone.

NataliaOsipova · 14/12/2017 09:55

when your children are in school is someone else raising them?

This question comes up a lot. I think the answer is yes, surely? At least to some extent. They spend a large chunk of time at school and the values of that institution shape them and the peer group with whom they spend their time. That's why people are so invested in choosing the right school for their child and see it as such an important decision.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 09:57

Parenting is a joint responsibility. So a DH is not raising his children because he has a job. Talk about skewed thinking. Confused

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 14/12/2017 10:02

I agree Natalia. Once my children are in school, their teachers will be doing a significant part of raising them.