To myself? Such guilt about giving up breast feeding.

[QueenAmongstMen]

I have a 16 week old baby boy who means the world to me.

On day 7 of life breast feeding was unbearable, I had cracked bleeding nipples and I was crying in pain during every feed. I had him assessed for tongue tie and he had a very severe one so I had it snipped at 9 days of age.

We continued to have feeding difficulties so I kept getting him reassessed and started going to cranial Osteopath sessions due to problems with his neck and positioning and it helped massively.

By this point he was also on ranitidine for silent reflux.

At a GP appointment to have him reviewed the doctor suggested my baby may have an allergy to dairy as he also suffered from eczema on his face and his weight gain was quite slow. He advised I remove all dairy from my diet and to see how things go.

I have been dairy free for 3 weeks now and things did improve but over the last week or so breast feeding him has become nothing but a source of worry, stress and tears. He screams all the time, he doesn't want to breast feed, he has diarrhoea every day, he doesn't enjoy it and he's still reacting to something in my milk but I don't know what. It kills me seeing him in so much pain. Last night he was screaming for over an hour and I just sat there in tears.

I know breast milk is best but this can't be best for him. It's not for me either, I worry every day, I cry every day, I practically starve myself because I'm too scared to eat anything in case he reacts to it and I'm just exhausted.

Last night, amongst the screaming and my tears I said to my husband that I just couldn't cope anymore and this situation isn't fair to anyone and I think we should put him on a specialised formula which a doctor had previously suggested.

I'm absolutely beside myself with it all. I cry when I see him in pain because I know it's my fault and I cry at the thought of putting him on formula because I feel like I'm letting him down.

I belong to an online support group for allergies and these women are dairy free, soy free, egg free, gluten free, wheat free, fish free, banana free, nut free and a whole host of other foods and I just couldn't cope with that but then I feel selfish because I'm putting my needs and feelings above giving my baby breast milk.

I'm just so worn down by it and I feel like such a failure.

I know I need to ring the GP today to sort out getting the formula but I know I'm just going to cry down the phone.

I'm part of another Facebook group who have been so, so supportive and are reassuring me I'm doing the right thing and I know they're right because I just can't take it anymore. The last 4 months of feeding him just haven't been enjoyable at all but I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm stopping trying.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's killing me

I haven't been using dummies because of the breast feeding and the fact we already have latch issues so didn't want to confuse him. I do have some upstairs but they've never been used.

Do you think he's more likely to take a bottle if he's experienced having a dummy?

The GP I'm seeing tomorrow is the one I first saw when CMPA was suggested. I cried on him then and I'm sure I will cry on him tomorrow too

For what it’s worth, I have several friends with babies who swear by dummies and also EBF and experiences no negative impact (realise this is purely anecdotal). I think past the first few weeks nipple confusion etc is supposed to be much less likely to happen as they have formed sucking habits - it’s possible it would help with the bottle? Dummies are often recommended for reflux babies, it seems to help soothe them when they think they want to feed but can’t because the acid is too bad

For different reasons I got myself into a similar state about bf my first baby 3.5 yrs ago. The ONLY thing I regret is not switching to formula sooner. Everyone said 'happy mum, happy baby' and I thought it was rubbish, I felt I needed to bf because that is what was best for my baby. Wrong. For MY baby, and lots of others, breastfeeding is not best. Because if it impacts on mums mental health it's doing nobody any good. Baby needs You and a food source, they love You, and this is such a short time and small part of parenthood. I love formula now, it helped to nourish my two beautiful children, kept me sane and happy and able to love and bond with them. Best of luck OP , you sound like a wonderful mummy.

I don't know if this will help, but your child will be your child for a very long time.

Soon he will be one and sitting up, walking, eating from a spoon. Then he'll be a toddler, with all those joys and challenges. Then he'll start school, and doing a hobby/interest more seriously.

The infant stage is a very small part of a much longer journey. The "EBF" (or not) stage is an even smaller part of that small part! Before you know it you'll be dealing with finger foods and puree and all that clobber and life will be all about which of those things they refuse to eat.

Remember when you did your GCSEs? They were the be all and end all. But now we're all adults, who even gives GCSEs a second thought? I can't even remember what grades I got for most of mine.

Another thought which might or might not help.

Only my experience but parenting has been such an enlarging experience for me because I have learned that many things are not in my control. My kids are who they are. They might not be who I imagined or do what I want them to do. Things might not turn out as I planned. This was all very difficult to accept! But I have accepted it now, mostly!

You're having a very intense and early lesson about this and of course it is really hard. But I think in a way through this tough time you've you are learning something very early on that otherwise you might have only learnt much more gradually. It might stand you in very good stead later on, when all the other mums who had a perfect EBF experience have the lesson still to learn.

Thank you bumpsadaisie - that's a good way of looking at it. I have no control over what my baby's gut doesn't want to tolerate and I simply have to do what's best for him.

I tried giving him another bottle of EBM tonight and he just got really distressed and refused to even try. Then my DH tried and got the same reaction. I'm scared he's never going to take the bottle/formula and I'm going to have to continue in this hell.

Feeding him before bed was so upsetting, he just cries and pushes away from me. I managed to get him to feed for about 4 minutes and that's the longest feed he's had all day.

My husband is downstairs cooking his dinner and it smells absolutely delicious and I'm gutted because all I'm having is a jacket potato

Sorry if this is no help, but have you tried doing a short breastfeed and then de-latching and swapping to the bottle? Also how warm is the ebm?

Your situation sounds just like mine... daughter with severe reflux and allergies. I went dairy, gluten and caffeine free, but nothing really helped with the pain my baby was experiencing, even with the help of ranitidine and omeprazole. I gave in just before 5 months as she would only feed for a few seconds at a time before the writhing and screaming started, and I just couldn't watch her suffer anymore. We moved her onto neocate and it made such a big difference, I feel a bit guilty I didn't do it sooner. Sometimes breast isn't best when you're dealing with reflux. Please don't feel bad about moving onto formula... it sounds like it's time and the right thing for you and your baby.

Also my daughter refused all bottles until I used a minbie followed by mam bottles. It only took a few days of being persistent with the bottle, and as soon as she accepted it, I never gave her my breast again. Don't give up... keep trying and I promise your baby will accept the bottle.

The two bottles I've attempted to give him tonight I've given straight after expressing so the milk is body temperature.

Surprisingly he was more upset when my husband tried than when I tried whereas I thought breast fed babies generally took bottles better from anyone but their mother.

I'm feeling more calm about everything tonight compared to how I felt this morning. I did have a little cry on my husband when he came home from work and he told me I must not ever, ever feel guilty and that I couldn't have tried any harder than I have.

From the very start of all the troubles about 3 months ago I have always said I would do my utmost to breast feed but only if it was to no detriment to my son and that if for any reason breast feeding didn't work for him then I would stop because he's what is important.

I've tried my hardest, I've emotionally drained myself and I've pushed myself for long enough I think. Sometimes you just have to know when to stop

Sorry just remembered that I used a syringe to give her the neocate formula to help her get used to the taste, and it was after this that she suddenly accepted the bottle.

Thank you beans - it helps to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Was Neocate the first milk you were given? I know others have used Nutramigen and I just wondered what makes a doctor decide which milk to give?

I put my needs and feelings above giving my DC breast milk too, I switched them to formula at 3 months despite having no problems feeding at all, simply because I was exhausted. Now that's selfish. And do you know what now 15 years later, I'm more annoyed at letting the guilt I felt in stopping bf spoil those early months.
Your needs and feelings are as important as your babies, no less. And in the lifelong scheme of child rearing this moment is a drop in the ocean and will seem like no big deal at all as the next hurdle approaches.
Give yourself a break. Try the formula and move forward.

Yes YABU to yourself!

I did 11 days of BF. My daughter is now a healthy nearly 11 year old, no allergies, one of the tallest in her class, not obese etc etc. BF was damaging my MH and my midwife 'advised' me to give up. She was a wonderful and pragmatic midwife and there should be more of them. Yes, I get the stats around BF, but seriously, when your child has started school, you will not be able to tell which of his/her peers were BF or FF.

Yes, there are lots of advantages to BF in an ideal world but there are also a hundred and one mitigating circumstances which outweigh the advantages and it sounds like you are in that situation. You are being the best mum you can be by responding to your child's individual needs. Don't think about it again, formula is not poison. As long as your baby is growing nice and steadily, it really doesn't matter and mums should not be made to feel guilty.

Good luck and enjoy your baby.

You have my sympathy, unless you've had bleeding nipples you don't understand how painful it is. You have already given your baby the best start you could. Look in a mirror and repeat I am not a failure until you start to feel it

I had a similar experience with DS1, who would push away from me in agony. I tried using colief, and there was such a marked difference - colief reduces the amount of lactose in the milk. I then tried the colief in a bottle of expressed milk and it was so much more effective. After that bottle DS refused to go back onto the breast, it just hurt him too much. He kept pushing away and turning his head away. He was 12 weeks old. I was upsert, but he was soooo much happier.

In the end I didn't need to get prescription formula as the colief did the trick. He eventually grew out of it, as the lactose intolerance was from an immature gut. The absolute relief I felt when he drank a bottle, HAPPILY, was indescribable.

You are bloody amazing mother. Now, in order to be one that still has her sanity, give yourself a break, experiment with the formula and get a bottle of something nice for yourself.

Imagine cuddling a happy baby, peacefully feeding in your arms and gazing into your eyes. You deserve that. Whether it's with a bottle or via the breast is irrelevant.

It's also worth remembering that in eight short weeks, your baby will be sitting up and ready to experiment with solid food. So this too will pass -one way or another.

I was advised to go straight to neocate and insisted that my gp gave me it on prescription. It tastes a bit funny but my daughter had not tasted any other formula, so once she finally accepted the bottle, we've had no problems with feeding. She wasn't sure about my husband giving her the bottle initially, but she soon got over that. I cried the first time he gave her a bottle though... it felt like he was taking my place and I hated it!

OP it sounds like you've given your ds a brilliant start but moving on to formula is the best possible thing you can do for him now. A happy mum = a happy baby! I remember feeling so guilty switching to ff but it was the best thing I did while DD was a baby. It really helped her reflux (a dummy worked wonders too) and I was SO much happier and felt so much more energetic that I could be a far better mummy than when I was miserable breastfeeder. I feel like she and I really bonded properly after moving to ff. Good luck with it all and be kind to yourself

Yanbu. Me and my son were exactly the same. The minute he started on the dairy free formula so he wasn't getting a trace of dairy he was like a different boy. He had reflux spasms and constantly screamed in pain. I don't feel one iota of guilt as it was best for him

YABU totally! Stop.

You've done brilliantly. You are not failing, or letting your baby down or any of those other mad things. The woman on the support group is a dick.

Before my DD was born I really looked forward to BF. Sounds weird but I thought it'd be this lovely blissful bonding thing (and I know it can be, for some). After a horror show of a labour where we were both poorly after it just didn't work for us at all. I desperately wanted to feed her myself, my milk was very delayed and just one 1ml syringe of colostrum a day did not satisfy my 9lb-er. She had donated BM (in a cup, for fucks sake!) then formula in hospital to tide us over until my milk arrived. It arrived, she still wouldn't feed and after a few weeks of struggling like you along came silent reflux to throw another huge spanner in the works.

It was a nightmare. I gave up BF directly, expressed for six months and mix fed until she went wholly onto formula at six months. I emphasise six months not to show off but to say that I can't believe I put myself through that in hindsight. I just felt so so guilty that I suppose I thought that at least if I couldn't BF then if she was having my milk I was doing something right for her. Utter silliness.

I ended up suffering terribly with anxiety, which I've only recently recovered from (DD is 21 months). The whole feeding thing was a huge part of that.

Next time, I'm going to try to BF and if it doesn't work then I will stop and not feel bad. There is nothing wrong with formula, and there is also nothing wrong with you not wanting to go dairy free. Your wellbeing is so important to your child. Much more so that breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, when it works for both mum and baby.

things don’t have to be black or white, formula or breast. Why don’t you combination feed for a while to give you some respite? I know many mothers who have stopped breastfeeding and never looked back, but I also know many who really wish it could have worked.

About allergies. The only allergens that pass from mother’s diet to milk are egg and milk. And your baby won’t remain highly sensitive to them forever.

Jesus Christ OP give yourself a break.

Yes technically, scientifically no one can argue breast is technically best. But it’s a very narrow angle and no baby will be happy with a struggling upset Mum. If your child is fed and thrives, the nitty gritty of how that’s achieved doesn’t really matter.

I tried it for 3 days with first. It wasn’t for me. Swapped to formula. Second child straight on formula. No guilt at all from me. I did what was right for both me and my child in the greater good.

Although I can’t argue with science, I am a little puzzled at how it’s supposed to prevent infections and build immune systems etc. Of all the Motjers I know the breast fed ones are the most ill and sickly!

Sorry you’re feeling so horrible OP. Have you tried feeding him in different positions? My lo went through a spell where he would arch his back when we were feeding and it seemed to be wind related. When I fed him more upright, it helped. (I also went through dairy intolerance and elimination diet with my older dad.) He also got teeth quite early and he was VERY cranky when that was going on. I’m not saying that either of those things are definitely the problem but sometimes there can be a few things going on and you can focus so much on one that you start blaming everything on it and then it turns out not to be the problem.

Well done for trying, and don't beat yourself up!

You sound like a fab mom!