To myself? Such guilt about giving up breast feeding.

[QueenAmongstMen]

I have a 16 week old baby boy who means the world to me.

On day 7 of life breast feeding was unbearable, I had cracked bleeding nipples and I was crying in pain during every feed. I had him assessed for tongue tie and he had a very severe one so I had it snipped at 9 days of age.

We continued to have feeding difficulties so I kept getting him reassessed and started going to cranial Osteopath sessions due to problems with his neck and positioning and it helped massively.

By this point he was also on ranitidine for silent reflux.

At a GP appointment to have him reviewed the doctor suggested my baby may have an allergy to dairy as he also suffered from eczema on his face and his weight gain was quite slow. He advised I remove all dairy from my diet and to see how things go.

I have been dairy free for 3 weeks now and things did improve but over the last week or so breast feeding him has become nothing but a source of worry, stress and tears. He screams all the time, he doesn't want to breast feed, he has diarrhoea every day, he doesn't enjoy it and he's still reacting to something in my milk but I don't know what. It kills me seeing him in so much pain. Last night he was screaming for over an hour and I just sat there in tears.

I know breast milk is best but this can't be best for him. It's not for me either, I worry every day, I cry every day, I practically starve myself because I'm too scared to eat anything in case he reacts to it and I'm just exhausted.

Last night, amongst the screaming and my tears I said to my husband that I just couldn't cope anymore and this situation isn't fair to anyone and I think we should put him on a specialised formula which a doctor had previously suggested.

I'm absolutely beside myself with it all. I cry when I see him in pain because I know it's my fault and I cry at the thought of putting him on formula because I feel like I'm letting him down.

I belong to an online support group for allergies and these women are dairy free, soy free, egg free, gluten free, wheat free, fish free, banana free, nut free and a whole host of other foods and I just couldn't cope with that but then I feel selfish because I'm putting my needs and feelings above giving my baby breast milk.

I'm just so worn down by it and I feel like such a failure.

I know I need to ring the GP today to sort out getting the formula but I know I'm just going to cry down the phone.

I'm part of another Facebook group who have been so, so supportive and are reassuring me I'm doing the right thing and I know they're right because I just can't take it anymore. The last 4 months of feeding him just haven't been enjoyable at all but I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm stopping trying.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's killing me

You are being far too hard on yourself!!

You did amazingly well to continue through everything that happened.

As long as baby is fed and is thriving it doesn't matter how they're fed.

I think you need to give yourself a break and take a couple of days to assess the situation before you decide. If you get the formula and feed your LO that while pumping, you will keep your supply and keep DS fed. You can then eat a couple of proper meals, have a little less screaming to deal with and then when you feel more yourself, decide what YOU want to do.

I had 2 allergic babies who were on the formula that is just particles of proteins (so nothing they can react to) and they drank it happily. My other 2 just got on with combination feeding and they are all healthy and happy now. If you are going to try the specialised formula, I would suggest you get the really hypoallergenic one first, to calm everything down completely, then when he is happy you can try dairy free etc and see what happens.
Sending hugs

I think you need to give yourself a break and take a couple of days to assess the situation before you decide
I think that the OP should get hold of the formula ASAP so the choice is there should she get desperate.

I think she sounds as if she is at the end of her tether and I think waiting another few days for no reason could be a bad idea.

I think that's what @SeaToSki was suggesting @PersianCatLady, as she goes on to talk about giving the formula during those couple of days.

Don’t feel bad, you need to do what is best for you and baby and if that is moving to formula then thats ok.
Please don’t feel bad, you’ve done a great job.

OP I think the only mistake you may have made is not trying your baby on formula sooner. It may help or if may not but the answer almost certainly isn't to keep cutting random things suggested by lentil weavers out of your diet until you child grows out of what ever is actually causing the problem!

The ‘support group woman’ is a stupid cunt. Feel free to tell her I said so. Delete them immediately.

You are doing fabulous love and you need to be much kinder to yourself. Follow your GPS advice and allow yourself to change things.

You will only get support from mumsnet. We can be vipers but we know how to support wen it’s needed.

I think that's what @SeaToSki was suggesting @PersianCatLady, as she goes on to talk about giving the formula during those couple of days
Sorry, I didn't read that properly at all, did I??

Lady on the group is being an arse. I certainly couldn't survive on 10 foods, and I'm not even as busy as you are. Also gut thing is totally unproven bollocks. He could be on solids by now FFS! Formula is just a food - nothing sinister. It is a food. It will nourish him. Guts healing or not is a natural process by the body and does not need magic breast milk to work - that doesn't even make any sense.

It is a trade off, and sounds like it's worth it to stop now. The benefits of BM are very much concentrated at the beginning, from what we know, the older the baby gets, the less difference it makes. I'm not going to tell you it's identical, because you know it's not, but really, at four months - you've done 90+ percent of the good that you would have been able to do. That's a lot. And for him to be in pain as well - I'd say in your case it would be a net benefit to switch to the special formula! Remember that all families and babies are different, and although it seems like breastmilk is always the better choice, perhaps this is just one where it is not.

Lastly one thought which made me so much more laid back about formula was thinking about how relatively lucky we are that formula is even a possible and safe choice for us in the developed world. We have plentiful access to water for making up and cleaning bottles, electricity to make the work of cleaning, sterilising and storing milk easy and safe. We can read and have access to information - LOTS - in our own language. (Maybe too much sometimes! :)) We even have different types of formula for specialised situations, and we are able to make an informed choice between them all and can access whichever we think is right, knowing it's very unlikely that the supply will be cut off. We can afford to buy enough formula without the rest of our family having to go without food. If our babies do get sick, this is likely to be with something extremely minor like a cold - our children just aren't exposed to the kinds of terrible diseases which exist in countries where vaccination and hygiene are scarce. Even for illnesses like norovirus or bacterial infections which can kill babies we have very fast access to medical care, doctors, antibiotics, to the point that our worry over these things is fleeting.

Everything is going to be okay.

If it makes you feel better I have a good friend who is a Paediatrician at a very well regarded Children's Hospital, who firmly believes that there is no discernible difference in the health or wellbeing of well cared for formula fed babies who come from loving, stable homes and well cared for breastfeed babies from loving, stable homes. He feels that much of the research in this area is "highly questionable" in terms of it's reliability and validity. He also says that many of his colleagues agree with him but they rarely share their feelings on the matter publicly as they have to be mindful of NHS guidelines.

Now before everyone jumps in, I realise this is anecdotal and one person's opinion and others in his field will disagree with him etc etc. I just think it's important for OP to hear that there ar very educated, experienced, well informed people out there who don't necessarily feel that breast is always best and would absolutely tell her to prioritise her own wellbeing in this situation, to counterbalance the pressure she is getting from BF "support" groups.

The ‘support group woman’ is a stupid cunt
How ironic though that there is no support from the support group.

The majority of the posts were understanding and actually a few other women posted to say they were feeling exactly the same way so at least I wasn't alone.

There were also responses from women who'd already made the decision to switch to formula and they said that the difference in their babies was fantastic.

It's just so hard to be on a group where some women have practically sacrificed their entire diet in order to provide for their baby and fair play to them, but I just can't live like that.

All I want is a bloody pizza, a chocolate bar and a cup of tea!!!

All I want is a bloody pizza, a chocolate bar and a cup of tea!!!
Do it, just because you have had a baby it doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have things that you want.

I have up breastfeeding at 12 weeks because I’d had enough. No pain, just personal inconvenience to myself.

Breast is only best when mum is not worrying herself into the ground and becoming increasingly isolated because she’s pinned under baby. I’m a HUGE advocate of the belief that having a baby is supposed to enhance your family life, not make it harder and upset you.

Stopping breastfeeding has nil negativities to your baby but many positives for you. You are allowed to consider yourself as important. You are the most important thing to your baby boy and always will be regardless of whether you give him bottle or breast!

Take care of yourself.

All I want is a bloody pizza, a chocolate bar and a cup of tea!!!

Do it, just because you have had a baby it doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have things that you want.

I can't whilst dairy free

I haven't heard back from the doctors yet, think I will call them again.

OP, I have some similarities to you. My baby is 12 weeks and we have ended up stopping BF after struggling with tongue tie and terrible silent reflux. Despite trying gaviscon, ranitidine and omeprazole we haven’t been able to resolve it and every breast feed is agony for her. We gave her medication via a bottle and it became obvious how much less painful for her bottle feeding is (still bad sometimes though). I too have cried over this - every day, for weeks - guilt that I haven’t tried hard enough (because like you I feel I should’ve excluded foods etc) but it was too late to save BF - she simply refuses to do it now. I fought hard to save BF with my first (bad tongue and lip tie) and combination feeding really helped us. It’s one of the reasons I steer clear of some breastfeeding “support” groups as they wouldn’t agree that mixed feeding can be good.

I do feel guilt, and like you, also feel I need to accept this isn’t what I planned, but it’s what is best for my baby, and it doesn’t matter what is better for anyone else’s. I also owe it to me, my oldest child who is still unsettled from getting a sibling, and my DH to be happy and well. I need to spend time caring for my toddler too, not spending every day trying to soothe a screaming baby or hunched over the pimp failing to get enough for even one feed. I understand, I really do! And oddly seeing your sadness has helped me feel more at peace with what has happened because I want to be happy and enjoy my baby and her happiness is more important than breastfeeding. Please, try that prescription formula.

One thing that has helped me was the realisation my baby gets no comfort from BF. In my head, we’d have these snuggly sleepy feeds but they don’t exist for her - they’re painful, writhing and full of tears. Now she has sleepy feeds on the bottle and sucks a dummy for comfort. She’s not missing a magical BF experience because it never existed.

Good luck, I hope it gets easier for you.

Oops hunched over the PUMP that should be! Pimp puts a very different light on things

16 weeks! You deserve a medal!!!
I had no milk ever (3 dc). They all had 3 days colostrum and are indistinguishable from the rest of the population (immunity wise).
Time to stop and focus on resolving the issues your DC faces.
WELL DONE 💐💐💐

10 years on I still remember to traumas of trying to express as much breast milk as possible, feeling guilt one DC would breast feed and one wouldn't, worrying about the damage that the formula was I giving them was doing. Of all the things I would do differently if I could it would be to knock breast feeding on the head much sooner than the 12 weeks I struggled to. Looking back it just got in the way of bonding and relaxing with DC. Your mental health is more important and will I believe impact much more on your baby than whether they are breast fed or not.

myotherusername....

Pimp!

You're right in that breast feeding offers DS no comfort at all - he's never enjoyed it. I need to take off the rose tinted glasses about what a beautiful bonding comforting experience it is and accept that actually DS hates it and it makes me pretty miserable too.

I've rang the GP Surgery again and the doctor wants to see me before prescribing me any formula so I've got an appointment for tomorrow morning.

Competitive martyring over BF is really lame, seriously.

It is all well and good to make these decisions for yourself and decide being dairy free or whatever is worth it even if it's a difficult situation for XYZ reason - it's absolutely not okay to bash other women who have made a different choice over the head with it!

OK to offer encouragement along the lines of yes, it's totally possible to do dairy free [with a toddler/while working FT/while depressed] - WHEN the mum has asked for it, or expressed a wish to do so plus worry they cannot!

It is not okay for someone to say "I did it, therefore you must be able to, too". It's veiled criticism and it's unhelpful. Everybody's situation is different and you MUST prioritise things like your own mental health. Just because it has less of a toll on somebody else, doesn't mean there's anything wrong, we're just all different.

A very wise woman said to me that I couldn't look after my baby unless I looked after myself. You have nothing to beat yourself up about. Use the formula and give yourself a break. Not eating properly and becoming so anxious isn't going to help either you or your baby.
With my second child I had to abruptly stop breast feeding at 5 weeks. I had a potentially life threatening uterine infection and needed strong antibiotics which were incompatible with BFing. He was fine, I was a wreak but that's when the wise woman stepped in.
Be kind to yourself

No expert at all but it sounds like formula would be better for your DS because you can more definitely know what exactly is or is not in it to pinpoint what might be an allergen. Even if you were on one food type breast milk must have many more factors influencing it and can't be as easy to monitor. Not to mention how much less stressful it might be for both of you once settled in to the switch. Trust your head not your heart on this, I don't think either of you will look back.

Great, I’m glad you have an appointment for tomorrow. I hope you have a pragmatic and sensible GP!

You haven’t mentioned dummies in your OP, you may already have used one / prefer not to, but they have been indispensable for my DD. I shudder at the thought of not having one to hand...