Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To myself? Such guilt about giving up breast feeding.

172 replies

QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 10:24

I have a 16 week old baby boy who means the world to me.

On day 7 of life breast feeding was unbearable, I had cracked bleeding nipples and I was crying in pain during every feed. I had him assessed for tongue tie and he had a very severe one so I had it snipped at 9 days of age.

We continued to have feeding difficulties so I kept getting him reassessed and started going to cranial Osteopath sessions due to problems with his neck and positioning and it helped massively.

By this point he was also on ranitidine for silent reflux.

At a GP appointment to have him reviewed the doctor suggested my baby may have an allergy to dairy as he also suffered from eczema on his face and his weight gain was quite slow. He advised I remove all dairy from my diet and to see how things go.

I have been dairy free for 3 weeks now and things did improve but over the last week or so breast feeding him has become nothing but a source of worry, stress and tears. He screams all the time, he doesn't want to breast feed, he has diarrhoea every day, he doesn't enjoy it and he's still reacting to something in my milk but I don't know what. It kills me seeing him in so much pain. Last night he was screaming for over an hour and I just sat there in tears.

I know breast milk is best but this can't be best for him. It's not for me either, I worry every day, I cry every day, I practically starve myself because I'm too scared to eat anything in case he reacts to it and I'm just exhausted.

Last night, amongst the screaming and my tears I said to my husband that I just couldn't cope anymore and this situation isn't fair to anyone and I think we should put him on a specialised formula which a doctor had previously suggested.

I'm absolutely beside myself with it all. I cry when I see him in pain because I know it's my fault and I cry at the thought of putting him on formula because I feel like I'm letting him down.

I belong to an online support group for allergies and these women are dairy free, soy free, egg free, gluten free, wheat free, fish free, banana free, nut free and a whole host of other foods and I just couldn't cope with that but then I feel selfish because I'm putting my needs and feelings above giving my baby breast milk.

I'm just so worn down by it and I feel like such a failure.

I know I need to ring the GP today to sort out getting the formula but I know I'm just going to cry down the phone.

I'm part of another Facebook group who have been so, so supportive and are reassuring me I'm doing the right thing and I know they're right because I just can't take it anymore. The last 4 months of feeding him just haven't been enjoyable at all but I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm stopping trying.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's killing me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 11:18

Thank you so much everyone. The hard part is just the not knowing. Is it an allergy? Is it his reflux? Is it poor attachment following his tongue tie repair? Are the bad nappies and screaming because he's teething? A million things go through my head every day and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I've had support from my GP, Health visitor, a breast feeding support group I go to, I've seen two lactation consultants and spoken to an infant co-ordinator. Apart from the GP everyone is just telling me to continue breastfeeding and try x, y and z but they can't see how much this is affecting me.

I'm currently sterilising a breast pump and a bottle and then I'm going to see if he will take some expressed milk.

The fact he hasn't improved since I removed dairy makes me question whether he is intolerant/allergic and his symptoms are in fact something else. I just don't know bit I know I can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 11:20

I'm not under a paediatrician and I've been referred to a dietician but otherwise I've only seen the GP who said he'd prescribe me the formula.

I breast fed my first son for 2.5 years and it was wonderful which is why this has hit me so hard. I feel such guilt that DS1 will have had breast milk for so long but I'm stopping with DS2 already.

OP posts:
MotherCupboard · 12/12/2017 11:24

That's what I mean about the NHS being so pro breastfeeding. It sounds like nobody has really presented formula feeding as a realistic option to you and instead just keep pushing the breast-feeding, which when it was me made me feel like I was being backed into a corner and my only choice was to continue trying and trying because I felt like it would have needed courage to take a stand and say stop. It is worth trying expressing if that's what you want to do. Expressing can be very easy but it can also be as hard as breastfeeding itself. You won't know until you can try. When I was in that position I felt like I needed permission from a medical professional to stop. But it's your body and your baby and you don't need permission from anyone to stop trying.

mummmy2017 · 12/12/2017 11:29

Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Your child will be much happier with a happy mummy, and so long as they are feed, warm and dry nothing else matters.

Formula was invented for just this reason, to help mums, not to bring them a massive guilt trip, please enjoy your baby and have an amazing xmas and may your baby sleep 8 hours and have a happy mum the next morning...

JaneyEJones · 12/12/2017 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustwannadance · 12/12/2017 11:35

There is nothing to feel guilty about at all.

My advise is to stay off the internet "support" groups (yes I see the irony in that) but from what i've heard they don't like it if someone wants to stop BF and you don't need telling to keep going.

You're not happy. Baby isn't happy. At least by trying the special formula you will know if it is actually an allergy or not then go from there.

ijustwannadance · 12/12/2017 11:36

*advice

Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 11:36

The ironic thing is that for the past 6 years of my career I've worked in roles that include a lot of breast feeding support and being very pro-breast feeding and so I don't think that helps.

My manner of working though is that I'm very pro-BF if that is what the mother wants but if she wants to formula feed then I totally support that too. If I met a mother in my situation who was crying all the time because of breast feeding I would give her a hug and tell her to absolutely stop putting herself through such torment and change to formula and she shouldn't feel ANY guilt......so why I can't I think like that about myself?

I'm sitting here now looking at my baby who's clearly hungry as he's hardly fed but when I put him to the breast he's uncomfortable, feeds reluctantly for about a minute and then comes off and cries. I know it sounds like reflux symptoms and I could get his ranitidine dose increased but that won't change any of the other problems I'm having.

I just can't do it anymore Sad

OP posts:
LilyDisney · 12/12/2017 11:37

Yes, you are being unreasonable being so hard on yourself.

But.

I did the same, I couldn't bear the thought of putting my little girl on formula, I gave up all dairy and soya along with other things. (Paediatrician gave me tubs of special formula so I had it in the house and once got as far as making a bottle and had a huge meltdown)

Cried every feed for weeks and week.

Ranitidine did fuck all for her, once she went on omeprazole it made a big difference, and feeding (and life) got easier. By 7 months she was a "normal" baby and everything was fine.

She breastfed until she was 3 and a half and it's one of my proudest achievements. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done.

Whatever option you decide is best, then that's the thing to do, but us mums are hard on ourselves, unreasonably so. But it doesn't stay this hard forever is BF really is as important to you as it was to me. Xx

jellycat1 · 12/12/2017 11:39

Jeez I could have written your original
post - almost to the letter - 3 and a bit years ago. I went fully FF and never looked back.

Pengggwn · 12/12/2017 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 12:43

I've rang the GP surgery and am just waiting for them to get back in touch.

I just tried to give DS a bottle of EBM and it was a complete disaster so that doesn't bode well...

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 12/12/2017 12:47

Did a load of posts just disappear from this thread then?

PersianCatLady · 12/12/2017 12:47

Sorry got confused, wrong thread.

LoopyLou1981 · 12/12/2017 12:51

You’ve done amazingly well. Please don’t feel bad. He’s got all the breast bits from your breast milk and now you need to do what’s best for both of you.
I hope it gets easier for you. It sounds like you both had such a tough time for it xx

LoopyLou1981 · 12/12/2017 12:52

*best bits! 🙄

DeStijl · 12/12/2017 13:06

Give yourself permission to stop OP. Let it go.
I didn't have the struggles with allergies but breastfeeding my daughter was a real battle. Tongue tie, thrush, horrible latch, etc. I cried pretty much every feed until she was about 12 weeks old and I can honestly say feeding was rarely pain free even after that. I got obsessed over it all though and I just wouldn't give it up and I can honestly say it affected my bonding with her early on and my relationship with her dad.
I was looking through her clothes the other night and I cried because all her tiny baby clothes just remind me of the total nightmare of feeding and all that fear and guilt. Yes we managed to carry on but if I'm honest I would rather have formula fed and enjoyed my baby.
Please let yourself enjoy your baby.

Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 13:14

I just need to find a way to make peace with my decision and move on. I just don't know how to.

Ringing the doctors was a big step for me because it feels like the wheels are in motion now and I always think taking the first step towards change is the hardest.

My head just hurts from going over and over and over things 24/7. I literally am a nervous wreck - everytime he cries I blame myself and start obsessing over what I've eaten that's done it to him when in reality there could be lots of other reasons he's crying. I just can't take living like this anymore.

I've got my own health problems to think about and sleep deprivation, stress and not eating are all taking their toll and could potentially lead to me becoming quite unwell, and what good would I be then?

I feel like I'm just trying to justify it to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenAmongstMen · 12/12/2017 13:17

One woman on the supprt group just basically told me that giving formula will make the pain a lengthier process as it can't heal the gut like breast milk can. She then said that if she can survive on only 10 foods for 10 months than anyone can.

How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 12/12/2017 13:18

You don't need to justify it to yourself.

Even if breastmilk is far superior to formula milk, you are still important and you matter.

Do what you need to do.

SprogletsMum · 12/12/2017 13:20

I had exactly this with dc4. I knew his attachment and milk transfer was good, but he wasn't putting weight on.
My gp wasn't so supportive, they made us try loads of other stuff first and I just didn't have the head space to think about me going dairy free so I stopped breastfeeding. We had a couple of weeks on normal formula before I persuaded my gp to prescribe the right milk but once he'd switched it was like someone had given me a different baby.
I do sometimes feel guilty that I breastfed dcs 2 and 3 for much longer but I had to make life work for us all and formula did that for us.

SprogletsMum · 12/12/2017 13:21

The woman on the support group sounds like a twat. Formula isn't poison and apparently probiotics can help to heal the gut although I've not given him any as as soon as the milk was out of his system he was much better.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/12/2017 13:22

It's not said to make you feel better, she said it to make her feel better about her choices. That's why these groups can be anything but supportive sometimes.

You don't have to completely stop with breastfeeding, if you don't want to. If giving the formula means you get more sleep etc then you may find that it's easier to do the exclusion diet.

desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 12/12/2017 13:24

Ignore the support group. I think I know which group you mean and it comes down hard on anyone who suggests ff might be a good idea!! Yes bm can help heal the gut, but not if it contains allergens still! Well done for going dairy free. There may well be more allergies but it's so hard to figure them out while feeding! Look after yourself as well.

PersianCatLady · 12/12/2017 13:25

One woman on the supprt group just basically told me that giving formula will make the pain a lengthier process as it can't heal the gut like breast milk can. She then said that if she can survive on only 10 foods for 10 months than anyone can
Ignore her.

Is she medically qualified to give advice on your child's gut without even seeing them? Doubt it.

You said that you have cut out loads of foods and it still isn't helping, what are you supposed to do?

Seeing as the GP offered to prescribe you formula rather than suggest that you buy it, I am thinking that it is a special type of formula.

Get yourself an appointment and try it.

If you try it and hate it, then you will know that it didn't work.

However, it may just work and help you to live your lives without all of this stress.