Dedicated a book to friends dcs and she's not mentioned it

[Trampire]

I'm braving AIBU. To be honest I'm not sure where to put this...

I'm feeling a little confused. I'm a professional illustrator. I've had hundreds of books published. I often get asked to include a dedication in the book. Over the years I've included my own dcs, my dh, my mum and dad and friend's children.

I few years ago I reconnected with an old school friend who is shared a flat with in London when we were in our 20's. We're in our mid 40's now. My dcs are slightly older than hers but we met up a few times and had a great time, all got on well. We regularly sent birthday and Xmas cards. I sent through copies of my new books to her dcs etc. When my dad died earlier this year she was really supportive, lots of phone calls and we met up for a dog walk. She sent through a photo of her daughter on World book day dressed up as one of my book characters - I was really touched.
So when I was asked for a dedication for my latest book I put her dcs names forward. When the title came out I sent her a few copies along with a birthday card for her. I explained that I'd dedicated the book to her dcs as they were always supportive and interested in my books.

Thing is, since then I've heard nothing. I left it a whole as I know life is busy. We normally communicate by text. I sent her a text a month later asking if she was ok and did her dcs like the books? No reply.

Wtf? Could anyone possibly be offended by a book dedication? Maybe it's nothing to do with that and I'm over thinking it? She doesn't do SM but her husband does. I've taken to looking at his fb page to see if something tragic had happened but from what I can see it's business as usual.

I'm so confused. Shall I leave it? I'm not offended or angry about the book really (I dedicated a book to my dh's niece once and my BIL and his de could not have been less interested!) and just so confused as it's do out of character.

Oh ignore overnightangel. Fgs. There’s always one on a thread that comes out with something like that.

If you start a thread on MN it’s not self absorbed to answer the questions that arise

You sound a bit self absorbed OP

Are you one of the jealous authors? Pretty much everybody would wonder if a friend has received a gift they sent, even without a special dedication, that's just.. normal?

I agree that there is no fathoming some people. That's why I suggest the privacy thing. Not because I think it's reasonable that somebody should be this private but it was the only thing I could think of apart from her not receiving the books at all and in which case she should have replied to your messages. I wouldn't send a text or put something in a Christmas card. Because if you still don't get a reply you won't have an answer. I'd ring her up.

Can I just say that I would think that someone dedicating a book to my kids was the most wonderful and exciting thing ever to happen so if she has got the hump, I have no idea why! I would ring you up squealing with excitement and posting it all over SM like a loon

It was a lovely and kind thing to do OP

You absolutely do not sound self absorbed. What a horrible thing to say!

I would feel just as you do- and would probably be just as passive and anxious as you are being.

But the pretend assertive me says send a text or a old fashioned letter, asking if everything is OK as you haven't heard from her for so long.

Maybe she thinks you are being too clingy or maybe she thinks you are trying to ingratiate yourself with her children. that kind of 'favourite auntie' type thing. My DH gets really annoyed, for example, whenever my DSs mention their uncle in America as he is clearly put out that they see him as fun.

If I send her my normal Christmas card with a casual mention of the books and get no card back then I'll know something's up and ring her then. It's very 'normal' for us to send Xmas cards to each other.

Ringing her just seems a little demanding to me and I don't want to put her on the spot. I want nothing from her really just to know she got the package.

I think it all sounds really strange and I don’t think you sound at all self absorbed OP.

My guess would be either she didn’t receive the parcel or else something else came up in between which distracted her. Just because her husband’s social media looks as if everything is fine, doesn’t mean it is.

I guess if it appears she isn’t talking to you or replying then there is no harm in sending her a text to ask her. I think I would be inclined to send an apologetic one - perhaps say you are sorry if you offended her by dedicating the books to her children and see what reply you get.

For what it is worth, I think it is an odd thing to be offended by (if that is the case) when it is just their first names and they clearly like your work.

Oh goodness, please don't mention it in the Xmas card, it'll sound like you're obsessed and/or fishing for thanks! (sorry)
She clearly either a) didn't want to reply for whatever reason or b) had life going on so didn't reply and now feels too much time has gone by. It's really for the children themselves to thank you, anyway. Let her bring it up if she wants.

I wonder if she thought it was a one-off copy that you'd put her DCs names in, rather than the whole print run?

So nice enough, but not such a big deal?

Ok. I'll maybe just forget it then and do normal chatty Xmas cards.

The next one will be dedicated to the dog

Haha yes, bombard her with dedications to all members of the family, she'll have to get back to you then!

You definitely do not sound self absorbed! You sound like you're puzzled, and want to approach this weirdness with sensitivity and not put her on the spot!

Ignore the person having a dig.

Could it back that if u sent a few copies of the book in with her birthday presents without specifically pointing out the dedication she just put the books aside and didn't read them she may have just thought you were sending the kids some freebies and they are on the shelves

It’s possible that she hasn’t realised.

Maybe she was intending to give it to her dc as a Xmas present.

Maybe she hasn’t opened the book yet.

There are so many maybes.

But. She hasn’t replied to your last text. That in itself is odd, especially as you say you have a good relationship.

YANBU for feeling the way you do about it OP.

I wouldn't mention it in the Christmas card. You did something nice. I appreciate it's awkward that it didn't elicit the response you expected but it would be odd to mention it again. If she did receive the books, she would assume you were making a pointed comment on her lack of gratitude which tbh you are.

I would be absolutely delighted if someone did that for my DC, and would thank them immediately.

However taking out the issue of the dedication, this is a friend who usually maintains contact and is supportive, and now you haven't heard from her in a while?

Personally I would send a text, not mentioning the book at all, but simply saying "I've been thinking about you, and worried that I haven't heard from you in sometime. hope everything's ok?"

OP you can dedicate the next one to my dc if you want, my ds would never stop squawking about it! maybe she's a bit overwhelmed and doesn't know how to/feels awkward about returning the gesture?

Def mention it in the xmas card, but more in a - concerned you haven't heard from her way.

I wouldn't mention it in the Christmas card either. The friendship is presumably more important than the dedication, so I'd let it go and just try and get back to your chatty relationship - it's very unlikely you've offended her, it just sounds like a weird brain fart / hiccup and I'm sure the explanation is very mundane! She's bound to volunteer it at some point once you re-establish contact.

If she did receive the books, she would assume you were making a pointed comment on her lack of gratitude which tbh you are.

No she’s not. She’s worried that the book wasn’t received, or that her friend was somehow offended.

She’s not making a comment about gratitude (although I kinda think it would be justified if she was).

It's not like that, curryforbreakfast. A lot of people talk about writing a novel and when someone does it and gets it published, it's not always a cause for celebration!

You definitely do not sound self absorbed OP. Think overnightangel might be a teensy bit jealous!

Probably either she’s left it too long and is embarrassed or is suffering some kind of crisis. If the latter, remember how she supported you when your dad died. I think you should phone her and say you’re worried about her and is everything ok? You’ve got a reason other than the book - she didn’t reply to your message. Use that as a way in, don’t mention the book to start with.

Raver I put a post-it note pointing out the dedication inside. I think I'm just going to leave it now.

99p that's horrible. Yes, lots of people think you're rich if you get a book published! Mainly my peers are supportive on the surface but on SM and publisher events you have to be cautious. Everyone is always pushing themselves forward and there's a lot of 'Well done on that award!' said through gritted smiles. It's the nature of the beast. When I'm feeling delicate I avoid SM and bookshops

I think it was a lovely thing to do OP. But one thing I’ve learned over a long time is that people don’t always behave the way you expect them to, or in the way that you would behave. Treat this as if it was a gift you sent - it’s lovely to get thanks but it doesn’t always happen. We’ve probably all given a gift at some stage and been surprised not to be thanked. Just send your Christmas card as normal.