Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dedicated a book to friends dcs and she's not mentioned it

339 replies

Trampire · 11/12/2017 12:24

I'm braving AIBU. To be honest I'm not sure where to put this...

I'm feeling a little confused. I'm a professional illustrator. I've had hundreds of books published. I often get asked to include a dedication in the book. Over the years I've included my own dcs, my dh, my mum and dad and friend's children.

I few years ago I reconnected with an old school friend who is shared a flat with in London when we were in our 20's. We're in our mid 40's now. My dcs are slightly older than hers but we met up a few times and had a great time, all got on well. We regularly sent birthday and Xmas cards. I sent through copies of my new books to her dcs etc. When my dad died earlier this year she was really supportive, lots of phone calls and we met up for a dog walk. She sent through a photo of her daughter on World book day dressed up as one of my book characters - I was really touched.
So when I was asked for a dedication for my latest book I put her dcs names forward. When the title came out I sent her a few copies along with a birthday card for her. I explained that I'd dedicated the book to her dcs as they were always supportive and interested in my books.

Thing is, since then I've heard nothing. I left it a whole as I know life is busy. We normally communicate by text. I sent her a text a month later asking if she was ok and did her dcs like the books? No reply.

Wtf? Could anyone possibly be offended by a book dedication? Maybe it's nothing to do with that and I'm over thinking it? She doesn't do SM but her husband does. I've taken to looking at his fb page to see if something tragic had happened but from what I can see it's business as usual.

I'm so confused. Shall I leave it? I'm not offended or angry about the book really (I dedicated a book to my dh's niece once and my BIL and his de could not have been less interested!) and just so confused as it's do out of character.

OP posts:
Dreamingdreams · 30/12/2017 17:22

Maybe she's lost/broken her phone and now has a new one with a new number, so she hasn't received any of your texts, and didn't have your number written down separately so lost it along with her phone, which is why she hasn't contacted you or replied to your texts. My OH doesn't even know his own number so if something happened to his phone he'd be lost as he doesn't keep a copy of other people's numbers (or his own).

In this case, maybe a short message to her husband via sm would work. Just passing on your number and asking if things are ok and asking him to pass it to her. If you then still don't hear from her you know it's deliberate.

Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 17:23

I've messaged an old mutual friend to see if he's heard from her. It's a long shot but you never know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 17:24

Loosing a phone doesn't explain the lack of the usual Christmas card.

OP posts:
KhalliWali · 30/12/2017 17:27

How hurtful! Is she a very private person? Did you ask her if she minded her DC being named in the book? Some people are very funny about their DC’s privacy.

Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 17:29

No I didn't ask. In my 24 years of doing this, I've never asked. It's my dedication to give.

Her kids are not identifiable to anyone whatsoever as hers iyswim.

OP posts:
MuttsNutts · 30/12/2017 17:42

I can honestly say that I would call her before giving up

It does seem that she may have taken offence to something you have done or she is perceiving you to have done. No idea what from what you have said here but in my experience it will be something you won’t have even dreamt of.

I would want her to know that her friendship is important to me and that if I have done something to upset her it certainly wasn’t intentional. I would need to know I had done everything I could to uncross the wires before accepting that the friendship is no more.

KhalliWali · 30/12/2017 17:42

Sure. Most people would be delighted with a dedication for their DC. Do they have unusual names?

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2017 17:46

How very strange Trampire.
I was thinking that maybe the book had gone awol but the lack of Christmas card makes it very odd.
I have a ‘friend’ who is doing something similar with me right now. I’m not going to lose sleep over it

InionEile · 30/12/2017 17:49

Could it be that she was just busy and never got back to you to say thanks and now is embarrassed by it so feels awkward about getting in touch with you? That can happen with a friend who doesn't live close by because you won't be seeing them around casually so it gets more awkward than with someone you see regularly.

I don't think there's anything remotely inappropriate or weird in dedicating the book to her kids though. I'd imagine the majority of people would be thrilled by something like that.

purplecorkheart · 30/12/2017 17:49

I think what you did was lovely but I just wonder did she find it a bit overbearing (for want of a very much better word? You say that your relationship is mainly text based and that you rarely talk, indeed to the point where she asks can she ring.Maybe she sees the dedication as something as a much bigger deal than what it is and that falsely thinks that you are trying to change the boundary of your friendship by using her kids.

Unfortunately, some people see negative motives in all good deeds.

AdalindSchade · 30/12/2017 17:51

Nobody could possibly be offended by a dedication that includes just first names and nothing else. What a strange situation.

Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 17:52

We don't talk on the phone but to meet up in person, about once a year.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 30/12/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuttsNutts · 30/12/2017 18:08

Well you can guarantee that if she hasn’t even sent you a Christmas card there is no way she will be arranging to meet you in person.

So, aside of turning up on the doorstop (which would be unthinkably awkward), you have two options - pick up the phone and ring her or just write her off and never know.

missnevermind · 30/12/2017 18:25

I would perhaps send a short message via the DH SM account. Asking if friend had a new phone lately as your messages don't seem to be going through.

mumpoints · 30/12/2017 18:26

I think Rhiannon has it right. Ask her if she received them and preface it with "I'm not fishing for thanks, just wondered if you ever received the parcel I sent for Christmas and to ask if all is well as I haven't heard from you for while".

Either ring her or text her. If you still hear nothing, then you can either follow up with "Hope I've done nothing to offend you. If you ever want to get in touch please do..." or simply drop it.

Things happen in life and people withdraw from people through no fault of the person "ghosted". Her husband's SN pages aren't a good indicator of what it going on in their lives.

Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 18:36

I already sent a text asking casually about the parcel (it was sent in September!). I got no reply, which is why I said in this thread I'd wait for a Xmas card. I sent her a card, I've just sent a Happy New Year text....

I don't want to keep asking and asking. I'm going to have to leave and wait for her to get in touch. If she doesn't then, it's done isn't it.

OP posts:
mumpoints · 30/12/2017 18:50

Yep, it's done. Sorry you had such a response to your thoughtful gesture. I don't think it is anything to do with you (why would it be?) I think something is going on with her.

(Sorry hadn't got through the thread when I suggested asking again. You're right, you don't want to stalk her.)

snowflakestar · 30/12/2017 20:31

I don't think you've offended her, it was a lovely thing to do.

I also think there's something going on in her life right now, be it a marriage split or illness within the family.

Personally, I'd message her husband, asking if she's ok as you haven't heard from her for a while. He can ignore it if he wants.

JoJoBo · 30/12/2017 21:47

Once I told a friend how lucky I felt I was to have her as a friend. After that she went totally funny on me and our friendship has never been the same since. Thinking back now maybe she thought I wanted her to be my best friend or something, and that I was being too intense. I wasn't, I just wanted to acknowledge the support she'd given me during a really shitty time. Totally unexpected reaction! Maybe your friend's reaction is something along those lines, OP?

mumpoints · 30/12/2017 22:06

JoJoBo, I was dropped by a woman at playgroup who one day just didn't respond to an email containing a lot of information she had (rather cheekily) asked me for (that I had paid to find out but she was getting for free).

She hadn't pretended to be friendly just to get the info or anything, I'd known her for nearly a year before this happened. I wrote her again once and then dropped it. I was actually quite thankful because she was a bit of a liability (the sort who was always arguing with strangers over seats in cafes etc.!) and I actually hadn't realised how stressed I was when I was out with her until I stopped!

Unless the information I passed on (innocuous financial advice mostly) hit a nerve with her, even though it was just factual stuff, and she became annoyed with me as the messenger, I have no idea what happened.

Dragonbait · 30/12/2017 22:08

I did a counselling course a few years back and a big sign of insecurity is to always assume that things like this are about you! Its way way more likely that your friend is having her own problems and is meaning to call - because its not suitable for text - but just can't face it. I've had a lot of problems with my daughter recently and I've definitely withdrawn from people as I find it so hard. I wish sometimes that someone would just pick up the phone and say are you ok. I feel like no one cares I'm quiet beyond a quick text. Just worth considering that your friend may be crying out for someone to help her right now.

SnowFairyDust · 30/12/2017 22:09

I agree that I think you have to leave it now, I understand why you don't want to call, I wouldn't either.

What a strange thing to happen though, I really don't think it's about the dedication though, it's something else, possibly/probably even unconnected to you.

The not knowing must be really difficult but I'd say you can be quite safe in thinking that it really most probably was nothing that you did.

Original poster
Trampire · 30/12/2017 22:25

Dragonbait - that's interesting what you say about insecurity. I've had a terrible year that has left me with anxiety and a heightened insecurity.

In fact, at the moment I'm desperately trying to talk myself out of feeling that one of my best friends is pissed off with me as he's been a bit distant lately, but so have I (through grief, and exhausting work issues). I know deep down I've done nothing. At least we plan to go for lunch soon.

I think I may look into counselling for myself in 2018. I have a deep insecurity about lots of things and not sure where they come from.

OP posts:
Ansumpasty · 30/12/2017 22:36

How bizarre (and rude!?) That's a lovely thing to do, op, and nothing excuses not having the decency to say thank you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.