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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dedicated a book to friends dcs and she's not mentioned it

339 replies

Trampire · 11/12/2017 12:24

I'm braving AIBU. To be honest I'm not sure where to put this...

I'm feeling a little confused. I'm a professional illustrator. I've had hundreds of books published. I often get asked to include a dedication in the book. Over the years I've included my own dcs, my dh, my mum and dad and friend's children.

I few years ago I reconnected with an old school friend who is shared a flat with in London when we were in our 20's. We're in our mid 40's now. My dcs are slightly older than hers but we met up a few times and had a great time, all got on well. We regularly sent birthday and Xmas cards. I sent through copies of my new books to her dcs etc. When my dad died earlier this year she was really supportive, lots of phone calls and we met up for a dog walk. She sent through a photo of her daughter on World book day dressed up as one of my book characters - I was really touched.
So when I was asked for a dedication for my latest book I put her dcs names forward. When the title came out I sent her a few copies along with a birthday card for her. I explained that I'd dedicated the book to her dcs as they were always supportive and interested in my books.

Thing is, since then I've heard nothing. I left it a whole as I know life is busy. We normally communicate by text. I sent her a text a month later asking if she was ok and did her dcs like the books? No reply.

Wtf? Could anyone possibly be offended by a book dedication? Maybe it's nothing to do with that and I'm over thinking it? She doesn't do SM but her husband does. I've taken to looking at his fb page to see if something tragic had happened but from what I can see it's business as usual.

I'm so confused. Shall I leave it? I'm not offended or angry about the book really (I dedicated a book to my dh's niece once and my BIL and his de could not have been less interested!) and just so confused as it's do out of character.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 12/12/2017 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 12/12/2017 23:34

I think you may be overthinking. I’m always forgetting to thank people, I’m just a bit hopeless like that.

Send a card, I’d mention it though, lightheartedly. Give her a call or text. In the middle of meeting up next time or whenever it seems right, just say

I hope it was ok putting that dedication in. I didn’t mean it to offend in any way.

You gain two things by bringing it up

  • a chance for her to totally put your mind at rest
  • a chance for her to realise that she should have acknowledged
  • a chance for you to mend any minor discomfort if she was uncomfortable- merely by saying that you aren’t the sort of person to want to offend.

If you’ve only just reconnected there may have been a slight backing off from her - a feeling of pressure to intensify your relationship - by such a generous gift - I get this sometimes I get overwhelmed by intense friendships - but all it needs then is a little breathing space and humour when you do meet up again.

Suggest a new year drink and have a laugh. Long term friendships are so worth saving.

itusedtobeverydifferent · 12/12/2017 23:36

I wonder if the Post It fell off in the package and she unknowingly threw that away.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 23:41

There has got to be w sensible logical explanation as it’s a lovely gesture op.

PippaSqueaks · 13/12/2017 00:00

The odd thing I find is that she not only didn't acknowledge receiving the book and seeing the dedication, but that she also ignored your follow up text message.

It's the two things put together that makes me think that she's either mad at you about something, or that there's something traumatic going on in her life right now that means that she's not able to deal with (relatively) unimportant stuff.

wheresmyphone · 13/12/2017 00:07

Oh for the love of God why not just pick up the phone and ask. You know her well enough that you have dedicated a book to her children. There, sorted, end of.

Abbylee · 13/12/2017 04:43

I hope that I'm fair, but i feel hurt when my dc love other's things bc i normally hear complaints. .I am sorry.

teal125 · 13/12/2017 07:18

You sound very kind and thoughtful. Whatever way you look at it I can only imagine that your friend is upset at you about something else (the book doesn’t make sense -unless she is the type who would be jealous it wasn’t dedicated to her). Have you missed any major thing in her life recently - special birthday, divorce bereavement??
I think you are right to not mention it until you get a sense of what’s going on. Why not send a text just to say. Hope you are ok? How’s Christmas shopping going etc? You’ve been quiet recently hopefully hope all well. If she ignores you again then send a card and wait to see if you get your card. You will know then. You could then be more specific. Having no response from texts is not like you, I am getting worries and missing the contact. Please let me know if you want to talk about anything Good luck

teal125 · 13/12/2017 07:22

Also perhaps her children responded with a thanks you note and it got lost in the post

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2017 07:28

I know you texted her when you sent the book but have you heard anything since from her? On SM?

PetalMettle · 13/12/2017 07:41

Has she ever not responded to texts before? I sometimes just get totally overwhelmed and can’t face talking to people.

Original poster
Trampire · 13/12/2017 08:21

She doesn't do any SM. Her husband does but she never very 'visable' on his iyswim?

We normally text about 3-4 times a year with Birthday and Christmas cards and phone calls when it's a serious matter (which I don't want to turn this into). I saw her physically last Easter with her dcs. So, it's not like a daily run of texts have stopped.

I'm sending her a normal Christmas card today. I need to stop speculating really as I just don't know. Thanks everyone for letting talk it out and not rushing for answers. I will let you know if I get an answer.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 13/12/2017 08:25

Well weird. But some people are.

I once sent 2 bouquets of flowers by Interflora to friends of DPs who we'd had to stay with (during the ash-cloud crisis!) - one sent thanks,the other didn't. I checked and checked to see that they'd both been delivered... Just - nothing. And you can't ask, can you?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2017 08:57

Have you had any contact since sending the book? Sorry if you’ve already said. I know you texted her and she didn’t respond initially as in your first post just wondering if there was a further update. Have read most of the thread but may have missed that bit.

Motoko · 13/12/2017 10:12

OP said she hasn't heard from her at all.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2017 10:22

Ok thanks. That’s weird. I wonder if everything is ok with the friend?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2017 12:19

but i feel hurt when my dc love other's things bc i normally hear complaints. .I am sorry you think the friends didn't reply because she was hurt her children liked the books? Abs you are only happy when you make your children happy not if anyone or anything else does?.

NewNameWhoDis · 13/12/2017 14:29

Hopefully you get a christmas card back and it opens up some better communication and you can just ask her 'have I caused offence with the book?' simple as that.

And then you can update the thread so we all have closure.

ByeByePrivacy · 13/12/2017 16:43

I'd really go with the package not having actually turne up in the post. Can't imagine anyone being offended by a dedication to their children.

buckeejit · 13/12/2017 19:17

I'd message her dh & ask him. Hope you get to the bottom of it & it's just a misunderstanding of some sort

Flower1333 · 14/12/2017 01:36

Any update OP?

ChevalierTialys · 17/12/2017 22:08

I'd assume she was having a particularly busy time and forgot to say thank you. It would be sad to think otherwise. I'd probably take your chosen course and just carry on communications as normal (christmas and birthdays cards) until its clear if there is an actual issue or not.

pinkyredrose · 17/12/2017 22:50

Maybe the post-its fell off or were torn off by her DC? If they've got common names she may not have then realised the dedications were for her DC?

LeonoraFlorence · 17/12/2017 22:54

You sound lovely, OP :) my DDs had a book dedicated to them by a family member on DHs side. I was so touched and it's one of their favourite books now :)

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich · 17/12/2017 23:24

I'd just ask her OP!

My thinking is either..

  1. It got lost in the post
  1. She's meant to thank you and meant to send a long card/text etc.. but then forgot and now feels rubbish (I always forget the man st important replies/thank you'd etc... because I want to send long/well thought out/proper ones, so don't do it straight away, then time just disappears and it's too late!)
  1. She got book but didn't see dedication? Or her hubby opened it and didn't show her? Or she didn't get the text?
  1. She didn't get the book, then was confused by your text? thought it was for someone else?
  1. ????

Just ask her!! Xmas Smile

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