To not know what to think about this (money related)?

[Covefe]

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

My husband earns more and so contributes more to joint account, but also has more disposable income than me (around £200 more than me per month)

I am much better at saving money and have quite a lot saved up where as he does not. However, he pays for meals out from his own account for us both, whereas I pay for everything from joint account.

Are my savings just mine or both of ours?

Cantuccit I'd say they are yours. We have the same set up although I am the higher earner.
OH and I contributed the same amount to the joint account before mat leave (once I return I'm the higher earner and will contribute more).
We then keep the rest of our money as ours to save and spend as we see fit. It means if we go out I may pay the entrance fee for everyone, including DC, and he buys lunch. Or if it is just us two then we take turns. We never tally it up to see who spends more and if one person is struggling the other helps them.
I am better at saving and have more savings thab OH. They are my savings but will be used to purchase joint/family things and holidays are split between both of us proportionately. However our savings are still ours and we'd never presume to spend the others or have any say on how each of us spend it.

Perhaps he hasn't spent it all? Could he have stashed thr remainder away for a rainy day? If he knew you'd squeeze every penny from £25K and he wanted to save some aside that could be the reason for the anomalies.

Responses on this thread really weird.

If I understand correctly on a day to day basis OP and her DH have enough money to live on quite comfortably provided that they stick to a budget. That is like a lot of people - quite normal. They also have a small debt because OP was unable to work some months ago due to illness. Op's DH may also have his own debts in his personal spending account - this isn't quite clear, but if both partners have a separate spending acc as well as a joint acc then individual debts are quite possible/normal if one partner isn't so good at money management.

OP's FIL has plenty of money and has provided money as a present for them to replace their car, have a holiday (which they haven't had for 5 years) and to pay off their debts. What are all these comments about OP 'demanding ' a £5,000 holiday. Her FIL has given them money for this purpose - the holiday is a present.

I can see differences of opinion from both sides as to whether a monetary gift /windfall / inheritance should be totally shared or whether they are entitled to treat themselves a bit as well. FIL's gift has made your life a bit easier in the fact that you are no longer having to pay off your debt each month so that is extra money you all have. Perhaps you could have z conversation with your DH along the lines of 'what shall we do with the rest of the money FIL gave us? Shall we save it all or put a bit more towards this Christmas, or are there any larger purchases which you'd like us to think about making? In other words simply acknowledge you are aware that there is extra money available and see what your DH's thoughts actually are?

If he does have additional debts which he is hiding from you I can understand he might be a bit embarrassed . In some respects I'm really good with money, I budget for shopping and generally try to go for thx cheaper of two options. However I also get into debt on my personal spending acc for really silly reasons e.g. I end up paying for clothing I don't want because I don't get round to sending returns back and I tend to hide this from my DH because I know he'd say this was stupid, which it is!!

There's no right or wrong way to share income, windfalls etc but being deceitful is not on.
Did fil think he gave to family or to his son?

Thanks sailorcherries good to get your perspective.

I do think of them as my savings, and therefore haven't put it into a joint savings account.

However, like you, it will likely be spent on the family.

I think it is really sad and I feel sorry for your FIL who has done something lovely for you and you feel miffed about it. His father gave him the money to pay for a holiday, a new car and pay off some debts. Your husband has done that.

If I was his father I would think paying off his overdraft and the other loan was exactly what he had been given the money for, you said it was to pay off debts and that is what he has done.

You should be happy you are having a lovely holiday, have a new car and your debts are paid. Your out goings are down so surely you can afford the pizzas?

If you paid for the pizzas from the joint account then really he was paying for them as much as you were.

Maybe you should talk to your husband about why he feels he can't talk to you about what he is spending the money on?

I wish I had as generous of FIL, mine is estranged (he estranged himself) and he's as tight as a badgers... hasn't given his son any money to help him out even when he's needed it and certainly doesn't buy anything for his grandson who he has estranged himself from. He has plenty money as well but likes to shower himself with gifts.
I think OP wasn't ungrateful of the cash; I think she was very appreciative and just wanted it to be spent wisely.

My husband recently inherited a large amount of money. It has gone into his account and there has been very little discussion about what he will do with it apart from him saying he will buy me a new car at some point ! I still seem to be feeling anxious about money like I have done for the past 20 years and it's annoying when he has loads of money in the bank. I 've just resugned myself now though as I've come to the conclusion he just doesnt see it as joint money.

why would you accept it baby? That doesn't make any sense. I would expect a discussion - presumably your DH is at least going to use a good chunk to pay off a mortgage? Why wouldn't you sit him down and ask him what his plans are?

I can't understand these one sided partnerships - it's obvious large sums are discussed, even if you ultimately give more sway to the person who got the money in the door.

To me if money is concealed and not spoken about as it's being deemed as something solitary than what else is being hidden? A large sum is certainly something that needs to be discussed as a couple. If there's people wishing to keep so much to themselves than maybe they shouldn't have got married and had families.

I sort of understand why he's kept a bit back for himself, if by your own admission you are controlling with money.

I understand you feeling lied to but I can only thinking it might be your attitude towards money that has led to it.

Woof - He received part of the inheritance a while ago and did pay off the mortgage which is great. If I try to mention what he might do with the money it becomes obvious he doesn't want to discuss it or has his own plans for it he is not interested in my input as to what would be a good use for it. It does niggle me because my own parents gave us a house deposit to help us buy our own home a number of years ago and have helped us out over the years. He is not a mean man, I think maybe he is struggling to adjust to the idea of having a lot of money when we have struggled for so many years. It would be nice if he mentioned spending some of it on a holiday of a lifetime or something but he hasn't ! I suggested putting some of it in my account - he hasn't , he would rather divide it between his own accounts. This wasn't an attempt to be greedy on my part it's just that I think it's a good idea to have some accessible money in case for example he died suddenly or became seriously ill. Anyway I've made the decision not to ask anymore.

that's sad baby - I'm glad you don't have a mortgage, but it is mean that he's being odd with the rest, I hope the amount paid off at least equaled the deposit you had from your p...i'm more likely to inherit more than DH, I wouldn't dream of squirreling away money for me to deliberate over at my leisure...

tbh, what if you did want a bit of it for fun? Most people would split some fun money with their partner if one or other of them had an unexpected windful.

I can only hope babyroobs that after a bit of reflection he does start to discuss it with you before he acts.

Woof - to be fair he has said that now he has the money I am free to give up one of my 2 jobs which I struggle to juggle around 4 kids as it means we don't have to worry about money. However it is me that is deliberating over this as I do want to keep my financial independence .It would be nice if he just asked what nice fun thing we could do for once after years of worrying about money and lying awake at night wondering if we can pay the mortgage. I wonder whether he is just overwhelmed by the amount. He received the second part of the money about 3 months ago and it is still sitting in current accounts earning no interest despite my suggestions of speaking to a financial advisor or putting it in premium bonds. I know that whatever he does with it, it will be for the kids benefit so I'm not too worried as that is all I want to really .

Babyroobs, was it money he got when a loved one died? If so maybe he has a guilt feeling about enjoying "their" money. If so it might take a while for him to adjust. My husband inherited money when his mother died, he gave it all to me and it was invested in my name. Now, a few years on, we discuss it as "our" money, for a long time he would not acknowledge it was anything to do with him. Grief can be strange.

granny - Yes it was , he has lost both his parents in the space of 5 years and yes I think you are right, there is something of a guilt feeling about enjoying the money. He had no idea until his dad died ( suddenly) 2 years ago that his dad quite a lot of savings and then a house to be sold of which he inherited a third. So I think it has come as a shock to him and this coupled with a long term worry about money ( because we have been broke for so many years) means he is struggling to deal with it. I think if he had won a large amount of money on the lottery his reaction to spending it would be very different but the circumstances under which he has acquired this money make it bittersweet and hard to enjoy it. This is why I won't really bring up a discussion about it anymore.

ah well, that makes sense then. I can imagine feeling like this - I know my dad felt like that when he inherited, he felt that he shouldn't need the money and that his p had worked so hard for it that he had to grow it in some way, for his children.

Maybe he had hidden debts to pay off

My dh just received a large inheritance. He showed me the amount. All our finances are joint because I'm a sahm. We have a joint account and then dh makes use of my isa allowance and his. Then he has an investment portfolio and stocks and shares. I can buy whatever I want but we generally discuss purchases over £100. We are both careful with money however. For instance neither of us would ever take on a loan or indebt ourselves. Even our car we paid cash for and spent 3 months researching the best deal.
I would be very unhappy if dh concealed important things like this from me.

Babyroobs, I think you are playing it right, if he is like my husband then it will get easier over time.

I think the different responses on here come down to differing attitudes to money. In my situation all money is joint money and we have an individual budget each of money to fritter away. That individual pot has gradually come down over the years as we’ve viewed more and more things jointly. We would absolutely see any lump sum as joint and would discuss how best to use it for our family - in fact we already know what we would do with different hypothetical amounts. We both like spreadsheets and budgets and try to find the best deals etc. I imagine if one of us was a bit more relaxed with money it wouldn’t work.